Harhunt's Thread Summaries

[Ashemir Draemis]

WARNING: Summaries may be soaked slightly heavily in Harhunt's opinion and perceptions, bastardized to be blatant and vulgar. Also, liberal use of the words 'rape' and 'whore'.

And remember, everything your character says and does will be used against them in a court of Harhunt.
Mine, too.

(This might also count as a timeline. We'll see after a while.)

Quiet Vendetta
So Aria (werecat ambassador) walks into the The Dragon’s Keep tavern, and some drunken NPC is all “I’MMA RAPE YOU IN THE BACKALLEY! ” And she’s like “Yeah no.” And so she’s looking for her contact or… something, while the NPC is trying to talk to her until he’s finally like “OMG, WHORE.” And she’s like “OH NO YOU DI’INT, BITCH!” and exercises her pimp hand. So the NPC falls into a table where guys are playing cards, and they’re like “omg our game is ruined. >8c”. Then Clarissa (a wind magician) saunters in, and she’s like “Hi everybody! ” and goes over to talk to Aria. And Malcom (the vampire owning the tavern) is all “lol, the smell of alcohol keeps wereanimals from smelling me. GOOD LUCK EVERYBODY ELSE!” to himself, while Aria’s is like “OMFG I SMELL A VAMPIRE WHERE IS IT, OMG I CAN’T FIND IT, GOD DAMMIT.” So Malcom assumes his position of bartender and is like, “So, you ladies want a drink? ;]” And Aria’s all like “The society of man is sexist!” to herself, but to Clarissa she’s friendly, and she tells Malcom to tell her if he sees a man with red hair for… something. And Clarissa’s like “Apple cider, because I’m too good to drink!” And then Ulquir (a werecat) is at the tavern, and he had been watching two drunks talk to each other (and these poor NPCs are all being treated like idiots, seriously, you guys! >=/ ), so he’s like “Geez, you seem tense,” to Aria. Meanwhile, Travis (a ranger) is in the back wearing a hood being like “I’m waiting for Frodo—I, I mean— I’m totally here for a reason.” And that reason happens to be finding a man named Ivan that raped and killed a woman (at least the first time I used the ‘r’ word wasn’t serious (I think (I hope))). And Ivan proves to be the most DISTINGUISHABLE man EVER, wearing a red cloak and an EYEPATCH, and so he comes into the tavern looking like a paranoid bunny. Meanwhile, Malcom’s like “OH SNAP, THERE’S A WEREANIMAL HERE, OH SNAP” and pours the Aria's and Clarissa's drinks before he saunters off to poke Ivan in the shoulder. And then Tadala (another werecat) is in the tavern, and she’s like “OMG I’M SOOO PRETTY. SEE? SEE HOW PRETTY I AM? I’M SO HOT! WERECATS ARE SO HOT! OH NO, EVEN THOUGH I GLARED AT GUYS TO SCARE THEM OFF, SOME GUY IS GRABBING MY ASS AND NOW I’M ALL SUBMISSIVE AND LIMP-WRISTED! SOMEBODY SAVE MEEEEE! I’M SOOOO SCARED!” Anyway, now Aria has to stop talking to Clarissa and stand up for Tadala, but then drunken NPC and four other drunk dudes stand up (because... they can, I guess), and they start the beginning of a brawl. But then Mason (the blacksmith, holy crap there’s a lot of people) comes in, and apparently the dude can take some damage because two drunken punches to his face don’t faze him AT ALL before he punches the drunk NPC. So drunks are getting scattered left and right, and Ulquir’s like “ULQUIIIIRRRR, TO THE RESCUEEEE!” and grabs onto Tadala, and he pulls out a throwing axe out of his ass as far as I know. And Scipio (an ex-solider, JESUS TOO MANY PEOPLE, THAT’S LIKE 8. ) comes in, and he’s like “UUUGGGHHHH, a bar fight of senseless violence! Instead of going to some of the other taverns around whose bartenders break up a fight before it gets this bad, I’m going to go in here and bitch about it while I drink! GIMME MEAD, BITCH.” And Malcom’s like “Kay. May I take your hat, sir? ” Back to Ivan! So Ivan’s like “wtf” and Travis is like “HOW WILL I TAKE HIM OUT… in the middle of a barfight. Which is loud. And commotion-y. And while everyone except two women are drunk (faaaail, if you’ve been paying attention, all the Player Characters are fine and dandy; every single damn NPC on the other hand for some reason is a irredeemable inhuman bastard as drunk as balls. HARHUNT ISN’T LETTING THIS GO.) So Travis rushes full force and is like “WHA-BAM, CLOTHESLINED, BITCH!” And Ivan’s like “@_@” and Travis carries Ivan to a room upstairs to rape bring him to justice. By forcing him up against a wall and raping questioning him. And Ivan’s like “LOL, THE END IS NEAR!” And Travis is like “wut.” And Ivan’s like “CROTCHSHOT!” which leaves poor Travis curled up on the floor feeling just a little less of a man. Meanwhile in the barfight, Clarissa is like “I’M GONNA’ DROWN YOU WHORES IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.” And Tadala is like “;_; I’m going to my room for the night” and flees upstairs. Ulquir is like “OH SNAP” and Valcyn (a werewolf chick) is like “SCREW MAKING ANOTHER THREAD, I’M RUNNING THROUGH THE COUNTRY FOR NO REASON AND INTO THE TAVERN! Awwww SHIT, werecats and a vampire!” So while she goes sniffing for them, Scipio (an ex-soldier—F*CK TOO MANY PEOPLE) is like “HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT, TADALA IS THE HOTTEST SHIT I’VE EVER SEEN EVER. I MUST TAP THAT AND SAVE HER EVERY TIME SHE GETS KIDNAPPED. BARTENDER, WHO IS SHE?” And Malcom’s like “Maybe a traveler. GO FORTH AND TAP THAT, MY FRIEND!” And Mason’s like “DAMMIT, what the hell is going on??” (Good question), while Travis is chasing after Ivan (after getting over his kick to the manhood) and he’s like “RUNNING RUNNING RUNNING, WHA-BAM, SHOT YOU IN THE LEG, BITCH!” And so Travis… bags Ivan and drags him back to the tavern. Meanwhile, Tadala, who apparently didn't flee upstairs and goes to sit at the bar instead, is like “Oh my god that was so traumatizing! I should be careful of other people that might try to take advantage of me—Oh HELLO there, sexy stranger! You can rape me anytime YOU’D like! Did you notice my extremely tight clothes?” Because remember kids, we can forgive people our stereotypes and let our guard down if they’re hot! Blah blah blah, awkward chatting… And Scipio’s like “LET’S GO UPSTAIRS AND TAP EACH OTHER. ” And apparently Tadala agrees, because they both scurry off upstairs. (*bangs head repeatedly on the wall*) And Travis comes back with Ivan over his shoulder, and he talks to Malcom only to say something along the lines of “Oh hi bartender character, if you excuse me, I’m going to go play with myself in a separate room where other characters can’t interact with me. Again.” AND SO HE LEAVES. But not before handing like, a bag of gold pieces to Malcom. So Malcom’s like “83” and goes over to Mason, who’s like “Dear God, yes please, pour me a drink!” And then Draven Hunter (a vampire. Get it? He’s a vampire and his name is Hunter! Hahahaha!...ha. Oh yeah, he’s also REALLY FRIGGIN’ OLD AND IS ARMED UP THE ASS, SRSLY.) comes and sits in a dark corner! And raises his hand for attention. And Malcom is like “Knowing what everyone is up to is fun~” and goes to Draven and is like “OMG, yell at me when you want something, don’t just raise your hand! What are you, in grade school!” And Draven’s like “I didn’t feel like yelling, god! Here’s a buttload of gold pieces.” So Malcom’s like “May I take your hat, sir? ” And Valcyn (remember her?) goes over to Malcom and is like “I need a rooooom.” And Malcom’s like “Yeah, sure, get out of my face!” So Draven’s like “Doo doo doo…” and goes over to Mason and is like “Oh hai thar.” But Mason’s like “Whothefckareyou?” And Draven’s like “Ooohhh, no one of importance…” And Mason’s like “>_> I’m the blacksmith.” So Draven’s like “Then you will be useful to me! And I will pay you a lot.” So Mason’s like “Mmm… I’m totally getting a ‘I’m gonna’ get raped’ vibe, but… tell me what you need.” So Draven’s like “Make me new swords and daggers! Black steel! Can you work with it?” (Anyone else getting an evil vibe, or is that just me?)
Aaaaand we can just assume that Draven and Mason are going to hook up later to make some black metal weapons. (*headbangs*)

A Night's Company
So Tadala and Scipio ran upstairs (you remember that, right), and Tadala's like "Hahaha, he's sweeeeet. Oh wait, I'm supposed to be attracted to werecats, huh? SCREW IT, GETTING LAID IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY PREFERENCES!" And Scipio's like "She's totally not like the giggly floozies I've banged before, but hopefully she's floozy enough to let me bang her tonight!" And Tadala says "I'm sorry I'm dressed plainly!" (Wut.) And Scipio's like "It's cool! I'll still tap you!"
(YOU BOTH MAKE ME FEEL DIRTIER THAN I FELT READING ENTRE CORIALDE; YOU SHOULD FEEL ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES. "I'M A WERECAT SO I'M IN HEAT"? SERIOUSLY?
TO SPARE YOU ALL THE PAIN OF READING, TRAVIS COCKBLOCKS THEM BY CRASHING INTO THE ROOM WHILE FIGHTING A HYBRID MUTANT IVAN, WHOM THEY KILL. MALCOM COMES IN AND THEN MAKES TRAVIS HIS PERSONAL SLAVE FOR BREAKING HIS SHIT.
THERE. I'LL TAKE DONATIONS. NOW FUCK THIS THREAD, I’M GOING TO GO RUB SANDPAPER ON MY EYES.)

Troubling Matters
So Aria comes into the castle after hanging out in the Dragon’s Keep tavern, and she’s like “I need to talk to the prince, bitches.” And Banez (the human guard captain) is like “S’up werecat Ambassador? ” And Aria’s like “ c: ” because Banez injects everyone around him with happy (EXCEPT BRENTHOR. GOD, BRENTHOR, GET WITH THE PROGRAM). And Lorin (the prince) is like “OMG, THE WERECAT AMBASSADOR IS HERE? HOLD ON, MY REFLECTION DISGUSTS ME” before revealing the ‘as we all know’ that his father is ill and probably going to DIE. And so he whines about being young and inexperienced, while Brenthor (Lorin’s ambassador) is like “OMG, THOSE WHORES, I’M THE AMBASSADOR, SHE SHOULD BE TALKING TO ME. THOSE WHORES.” And so Brenthor meets Lysand (Lorin’s advisor) in the hall and he’s like “EFF YOU.” And so Lysand’s like “You’re fat” which makes Banez be like “(LOL BRENTHOR IS FAT).” So they all get to the meeting hall one way or another, and then Lorin comes in and he’s like “S’up?” And Brenthor’s like “I hate you and that I have to bow to you. >c” But bows anyway because LORIN OWNS YOU, BITCH! HAHAHAHAHA. And Lysand stands next to Lorin in an action that I can only interpret as “Don’t worry Lorin, I’ll protect you from Brenthor’s barrel-like form.” So Aria’s like “ANYWAY, I’m here because Tiaelde is getting raped by vampires, so I want to LAUNCH AN ATTACK ON THE MOUNTAINS, and if you don’t join the werecats, then screw you, you can just suffer.” So Banez is like “UHHHH…” And Lorin is like “UHHHH…. LYSAND TELL ME WHAT TO DO.” And Brenthor is like “Pfft.” And Lysand is like “We haven’t heard about vampires throwing wild parties in the mountains. >| And we should wrangle up some werewolves, too.” And Aria’s like “You haven’t heard anything because you’re stupid! And werewolves are stupid!” And Lorin’s like “ 8C Why are the werewolves stupid?” And Brenthor’s like “We’re not stupid! Werecats are stupid!” And Lysand’s like “Ignoring the werewolves would be stupid.” And Aria’s like “OMG WEREWOLVES ARE STUPID. WERECATS RULE.” And Lorin’s like “@_@” And Brenthor’s like “Your bluntness is bothering me! Go away!” And Lysand’s like “YOU’RE MAKING ME BE BLUNT.” And Aria’s like “I’m gonna’ go wait out in the hall.” So they’re all “Kay” and agree that ignoring the werewolves would be baaad. So Lorin goes to get Aria and he’s like “Ummmm, werecats and werewolves fight with us, kay?” And Aria’s like “(YOU DISAPPOINT ME PRINCE) Kay, tell us when we’re gonna’ kill stuff.” And Lorin’s like “Yeah. (And I’m gonna’ bitchslap Brenthor)” Meanwhile, Lysand is thinking of sending Brenthor to the werewolves, but also sending Banez (you remember him? Yeah, he’s still in the room) along to keep an eye on him, because Brenthor is a slippery bastard like that. And Brenthor’s like “” but he’d be like “LOL” if he knew the prince was thinking about bitchslapping him, because I guess he doesn’t believe that the prince has a pimp hand. And Lysand’s like “OKAY, BYE AMBASSADOR.”

Wanna See My Pocket?
Meanwhile, Ashemir (a dude but fem-looking vampire) is in Tiaelde, and he's bopping around the marketplace and he's like "omg waiting is boring. My hair is pretty." And Gale (an asian dude vampire) is standing around and he's like "My hair is also pretty! Oh... a girl passed by me and now I'm sad. 8C " And Ashemir, I guess because his sad senses were tingling, stops by and he's like "S'up." Meanwhile, Caden (a wind mage) is like "Happy birthday to me~~~ I'm going to buy SAAAAAAAND!"

Castle Library
So back in the castle, Zade (the castle historian) is sorting books and bitching about how people don’t put books back, until Lorin comes in. And she’s like “Put anything you find back where you found it.” And Lorin’s like “Kay.” So he takes a book about the royal bloodline and is like “What else is interesting?” And Zade’s like “Everything (in other words, mages).” And so then Yeszlin (the werewolf historian) comes in and Lorin’s like “ASHGASDKAKLA How did you get in??” And Yeszlin is like “Lawl, Zade invited me. Yo, Zade.” And Zade’s like “Verily.” And Lorin’s like “Yeah… I’m gonna go now.” And so he takes a book about important mages and flees. Zade bitches more about how people leave books around, and Yeszlin is like “Heh yeah, it can get pretty bad.” Zade organizes. Yeszlin reads a book while Zade organizes and then is like “Let’s get food!” And Zade’s like “Kay, just a second” after slamming the history of the werecats, ouch man. And Yeszlin must have photographic memory, because she reads two books in HALF AN HOUR. So Zade’s like “Okay, let’s go.” And Yeszlin’s like “What’s new? Is everyone in the tavern still a groping bastard as drunk as balls in the tavern?” (GOD DAMMIT, GUYS.) And Zade’s like “Yeeep. TO THE KITCHEN.” (Maybe Brenthor’s eating a cake in there, lol) And Yeszlin’s like “No tavern for you?” And Zade’s like “No.” And Yeszlin’s like “lawl, the kitchen is far away.” And Zade’s like “Better than dealing with groping bastards as drunk as balls.” And Yeszlin’s like “But they’re fuuun.” So they go into the kitchen and Zade gets them a table, because the kitchen is a restaurant, I.. guess…. And Yeszlin’s like “I have a tattoo!” And Zade’s like “Cooks get mad when you tell them to do things on short notice! Even though it’s not like EVERYONE gets irritated when you tell them to do things on short notice. And eff them, I’m the castle historian!” And Yeszlin’s like “MY GOD, WOMAN, CONVERSE WITH ME.” So Zade’s like “The werecat ambassador was here, but I dunno. Eff politics.” So Yeszlin’s like “? Whyyyyy was she here?” And Zade’s like “I DUNNO. Politics sucks!” So Yeszlin’s like “Cados and the library is kewl.” And Zade’s like “Yes.” And Yeszlin’s like “Yes.” And Zade’s like “Yes.” And Yeszlin’s like “OHMIGOD LET’S DO SOMETHING. LET’S GO TO THE TAVERN.” And Zade’s like “Ugh, fine.” So Yeszlin’s like “83 Yaey.”

Les Affaires d’Etat: Parte Un
(This is pretty long, but bare with it.)
So Lysand’s waiting around in his chambers, and guess what, folks? It’s THAT TIME OF THE MONTH FOR BRENTHOR! So Brenthor comes down the hall, and he’s all moody and PMSing, because he’ll all butthurt that Lysand is the head advisor. And while he’s thinking about killing Lysand when the king dies, Lysand is wondering if Banez has ‘Lysand is in danger’ senses. So Brenthor comes into Lysand’s room and he’s like “I blew you off, bitch! What do you say to that? >” And Lysand’s like “Be more timely or I’ll cut you, whore,” and thinks to himself how Banez taught him how to use the rapier (and you better believe that this particular lesson in the 1st generation of this forum led to some drunken Banez and Lysand sexy time, ohhhh yahhhh ;]). So then Brenthor closes the door and—OH GOD LOOK OUT LYSAND, HE’S GOING TO RAPE YOU. So Brenthor is like “Bitch, you have no control over me.” And Lysand’s like “Whore, shut up. You were a Svengali.” (A what? *looks up* ‘A person who manipulates or exerts excessive control over another’. HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS WORD? YOU’RE LIKE… YOUNG!) And Brenthor’s like “Bitch, I’m gonna’ ruin you!” And Lysand’s like “Whore, I ruined you.” And Brenthor’s like “I’m gonna’ rape eat you!” and basically PUSHES LYSAND UP AGAINST THE WALL AND GRABS HIS SHIRT… and then steps back. (OH MY GOD, NARROWLY ESCAPED THAT ONE.) And Lysand doesn’t take that, so he draws his rapier, and he’s like “WHORE, just give me your report!” And Brenthor draws HIS rapier, and he’s like “Eh, nothing to report.” So Lysand’s like “Whore, don’t underestimate me! And okay to that report.” So Brenthor’s like “LOL, you’re lame for trusting others! Remember sixteen years ago?” And Lysand’s like “wut.” And so Brenthor’s like “Lol, Banez is going to leave you! NO ONE IS YOUR FRIEND.” And so Lysand is all “Um, no. Our daddies were friends. =/ ”
CUE SEPIA TONE! So basically 16 years ago, apparently Lysand’s father died of consumption, so Brenthor took him in, and I SWEAR TO GOD, I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP: Brenthor tells Lysand that he’s only giving him a BED, and that HIS COMPANY IS ENOUGH. GOD, IT’S LIKE YOU GUYS DON’T NEED ME ANYMORE. So they both go to the church (NO, LYSAND, THAT’S THE PERFECT PLACE FOR BRENTHOR TO SIN ALL OVER YOU!), and Brenthor has to pat Lysand on the back, because Lysand is sure that the other politicians are going to EAT him in court. And Brenthor is all petting and stroking Lysand (EW EW EW EW *takes shower*) and he’s all “Don’t worry my pet! I’ll make you my pawn, I mean, rape you, I MEAN, take care of you! Yes, that’s it.”
So, end sepia tone. And Brenthor’s like “Your father didn’t die of consumption! >” And Lysand’s like “…Wut. NO.” And Brenthor’s like “MMMYESSS, MY DADDY KILLED YOUR DADDY!” And Lysand’s like “OMG” and tries to stab Brenthor with his rapier. And Brenthor’s like “LOL, you attacked me first!” So it’s ON. Until Brenthor reaches down for his dagger when he has the upper hand, but hey, it turns out that Banez DOES have ‘Lysand is in danger’ senses, because he breaks through the door and breaks up the fight by twisting Brenthor’s hand up. Oh yeah, and he calls Brenthor fat. And Lysand’s like “@_@” And Brenthor’s like “D< Unhand me and arrest Lysand!” So Banez lets go and stands inbetween them and is like “Wut, no. Fat, tell me what happened.” And Brenthor’s like “It’s none of your business!” And Banez is like “>8C Fat, if you want me to do something about this, you’re going to have to tell me.” And so Lysand’s like “@_@ Brenthor told me that my daddy didn’t die of consumption.” And Banez is like “?” So Brenthor is like “I just told him and he attacked me! He shouldn’t be advisor if his emotions make him act like this!” And Banez is like “T_T Not my job, Brenthor.” And Lysand’s like “Hurm (Brenthor’s daddy) killed my daddy, that bastard. ;_; ” So Brenthor’s like “Don’t talk about my daddy like that! (Or I’ll get him to beat up your daddy! OH WAIT, YOUR DADDY’S DEAD!)” And so Banez is like “And the verdict is: Emotional distress; Lysand is not in the wrong. Fat, GO TO YOUR ROOM! Without supper!” So Lysand’s like “Yeah, gtfo. >C” So Brenthor leaves, and Banez closes the door after him. And Lysand’s like “Sooo, how guarded is the food coming out of the kitchen?” And Banez is like “As guarded as you need it, baby.” CUE HUUUUUG. But it’s a manly hug. Totally. And Lysand’s like “This plan has gone back for at least 16 years. What if I’m still in his plan? @_@” And Banez is like “It’s a stupid plan if you are still in it, ‘cuz Brenthor isn’t the head advisor; you are.” And Lysand’s like “Huh… good point. …Did you make friends with me because of my political position?” And Banez is like “DDD8 No! I just feel comfortable around you.” (And that’s why they’re good friends, yah? ;] ) So Lysand’s like “WELL YOU SHOULDN’T.” Oh wow, that’s nice. “My friends always end up using me. ;_;” And Banez is like “ 8C If it’s any consolation, people made fun of me.” So there’s a reference to a Happy Rainbow Bliss Land, and Lysand is like “You’ll watch Brenthor, right?” And Banez is like “Sure I will, cap’n,” and he leaves the room while Lysand falls into bed.
CUE SEPIA TONE AGAIN. Brenthor wakes Lysand up from sleeping, because he’s a douche like that (It’s called ‘being a teenager’, Brenthor! Get with the program!) But it turns out that it’s after lunch (HAHAHA, just kidding, Brenthor!) So Brenthor’s like “Bitch, get out of bed! Do you want me to look bad in front of my father while he talks to you about your new post?” And Lysand’s hair is awesome and defies gravity in the morning, by the way, and he’s like “HOLY CRAP, NEW POST, REALLY?” And Brenthor’s like “Yeah, as a scribe. Get a haircut and get a real job and all that.” So Lysand’s like “Can’t be THAT hard.” And Brenthor leaves the room and he’s like “(Lawl, my dad’s stupid for calling Lysand a dangerous political enemy. He has pinchable cheeks and is rape-ably cute!) OH SHI— HI DAD.” And so Hurm’s like “HELLO.” And Lysand comes out of his room and is like “OH SHI— HI BRENTHOR’S DAD.” And Brenthor’s dad is like “YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR FATHER. THIS WILL BE GOOD FOR WHEN I CONDUCT MY SELF-FULFILLING REVENGE AND RAPE YOU USE YOU LIKE I WANTED TO RAPE USE YOUR FATHER. I MEAN, I’M SORRY YOUR DAD’S DEAD. LOSER.” And Tobias is like “I feel creeped out…” (YOU SHOULD, OH MY GOD, GET OUT OF THERE! *tears out hair and screams*) And Brenthor’s dad is like “YEAH, YOUR DAD AND ME WERE TOTALLY BFFS. (LIE) NOW COME TO MY CHAMBERS EVERY MORNING, LITTLE BOY, SO THAT I CAN RAPE YOU YOU CAN BE MY SCRIBE.” And Brenthor’s like “lol, teenager’s not getting up before sunrise.” And Lysand’s like “Okay…” And Brenthor’s dad is like, “HMMM, YES, I EXPECT YOU TO PERFORM AT THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITIES (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN). I’M LEAVING NOW.” And Brenthor’s like “lol, maybe later you can be a minor advisor like me~~~” while Lysand’s like “@_@” And Brenthor’s like “….Yeah, my dad is kinda’ freaky.” And Lysand’s like “My dad taught me to never show emotions! Basically.” And Brenthor’s like “Lawl, you show emotions all the time.” And Lysand’s like “You’re not a politician. You’re a friend. c: ” And Brenthor’s like “OMG OMG OMG.”
CUE SEPIA TONE IN THE SEPIA TONE. Brenthor’s dad is like “ALERICK, POLITICIANS HAVE NO FRIENDS. GO FORTH AND BE LONELY AND TURN INTO A CREEPY RAPIST SECRETLY YEARNING FOR AFFECTION LIKE ME.”
Back to… regular sepia tone! Brenthor turns and walks away (which has to look really awkward to Lysand), and he’s like “Hmmm… ‘friend’….”

Les Affaires d’Etat: Parte Duex
SEPIA TONE IN THE SEPIA TONE AGAIN! So Brenthor’s like “omg Tobias <3” And his dad’s like “WTF YOU’RE ON A FIRST NAME BASIS WITH HIM?” And Brenthor’s like “Well we share a bed room, so…” And his dad’s like “NO, WRONG. HE’S NOT YOUR FRIEND.” And Brenthor’s like “…wut.” And his dad’s like “HE’S THE ADVISOR FOR A BARON NOW.” And Brenthor’s like “!!! He usually tells me stuff!” And his dad’s like “WHATEVER. YOU’RE THE ONE GETTING SCREWED ON THIS.”
End sepia tone in the sepia tone! Brenthor and Lysand are playing chess, and Brenthor’s like “Sooo… advising job.” And Lysand’s like “Oh, yeah, that. Yeah.” And Brenthor’s like “The baron is an evil evil man that will intimidate you into sex unsettling stuff!” And Lysand’s like “ D= But I’m just gonna’ be advising.” And Brenthor’s like “NOOOO, you’re gonna’ be all political and shit, and if you fail at shoving the Baron’s views down other people’s throats successfully, then he’s gonna’ whip you! Whip you good! But it’s okay, I’ll find you another job. Oh, check, btw. (AHH SH*T F*CK I LEFT MYSELF OPEN TO CHECKMATE.)” And Lysand’s like “Oh, okay. I trust you. Check, btw.” And Brenthor’s thinking to himself “HE TOTALLY SAW THAT CHECKMATE MOVE BUT HE DIDN’T MAKE IT…. HMMMM….” And so he’s like “Checkmate. Yeah, sure, I’ll find you that job.” And Lysand is like “<3 How long until you get it for me?” And Brenthor’s like “I dunno. Brb.” And Lysand’s like “Okay… I’ll just be in our chambers. Getting high reading.” So Brenthor goes to see his daddy, and he’s like “DADDY WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME YOU SET LYSAND UP WITH THE BARON?” And Brenthor’s dad’s like “BECAUSE NO ONE IS YOUR FRIEND.” And Brenthor’s like “But you’re my daddy! ;_;” And Brenthor’s dad’s like “Not since you became a minor advisor, I’m not!” So Brenthor goes back to his and Lysand’s chambers, and he’s like “>C” And Lysand’s like “” And Brenthor’s like “I’m just… stressed (lie).” And Lysand’s like “Oh, Lady Arisa stopped to see me. I think she likes me. <3” And Brenthor’s like “LOL, well I’m not getting sexiled for you if you bring her to this room.” And Lysand’s like “D8 BUT WE’RE NOT MARRIED!” And Brenthor’s like “Lol, Lysand, when you’re in a powerful position, you can sex up ANYONE.” (EW, EW, EW. *cleans thought of Brenthor sexing up people*) And Lysand’s like “~You’re a womanizer, yeah~” (DEAR GOD, DON’T DEVOLVE INTO A SEX CONVERSATION WITH BRENTHOR!)
(THREAD ACTIVE...?)

I Just Want Your Extra Time
So Ashemir goes to Issilt and is listening to musicians by the fountain and he’s like “Music is pretty.” And Seriah (the vampire leader basically) comes over and he’s like “lawl, you’re a vampire. Silence sucks.” And Ashemir’s like “Eff you, I’m not lonely at all or anything. >C ” So Seriah’s like “So, you come here often? ;]” And Ashemir’s like “ >C No.” And Seriah’s like “I live here.” And Ashemir’s like “I’m from Tiaelde. Possessions are lame.” And Seriah’s like “Bitch, no they’re not! I love my sire’s piano. If you had more stuff, what would they be?” And so Ashemir’s like “Clothes- I MEAN, MANLY STUFF” and lists things off until he hits ‘an actual bed’. So Seriah’s like “You can share MY bed. ;]” And Ashemir’s like “ >C No. Whore, I’m going to slap you.” Blah blah blah, Ashemir’s a poet and Seriah pretends to be an eccentric writer (that writes about ninjas) but is a ‘planner’ so Ashemir’s like “wut” and Seriah’s like “Let’s go to my house.” And Ashemir’s voice says ‘no’ but his eyes say ‘yes’, so they go over to Seriah’s house, which has rosebushes in front of it. Suddenly and without remorse, Valmar is inside, and he’s like “Seriah, I hope you don’t mind me breaking into your house.” And Seriah is like “Uhhhh” and Ashemir is like “EW, GROSS, HIS HAIR IS GRAYING.” And Seriah’s like “God dammit, Valmar, stop wearing your armor everywhere >>” And Valmar’s like “It’s cool, I’m wearing perfume and will DESTROY EVERYTHING IN MY WAY.” And Seriah’s like “Reel in the macho, buddy.” So Valmar looks at Ashemir and he thinks to himself ‘why would Seriah bring some prettyboy into his house? I totally don’t get it.’
((And Seriah’s like “BECAUSE I’M GONNA’ TAP HIM, YOU DOLT Uhh, it’s a spy! That I’m going to interrogate in my room!” And Valmar’s like “Don’t you have a basement?” And Seriah’s like “No I don’t—I mean, look, he brought his own chains! What do I need a dungeon for?”))
And Ashemir is like “ >c ” and Valmar’s like “Don’t worry about the plan, you’ll learn to enjoy the rape part you’ll play.” And Seriah’s like “LAWL!” And Ashemir’s like “EXCUSE ME?” And Seriah’s like “Let’s sit down and talk now, kay?” And Ashemir’s like “ >8C ….Fine.” While Valmar is like “OMG THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU BOTH SUCK.” (Suck what, Valmar? Lolololol) And Valmar’s like “The werecats are plotting with the humans to attack the mountains.” Because the vampires would TOTALLY have access to that information. Blah blah blah, they talk about overthrowing the system of humans and werefolk hunting down vampires while Valmar talks about the mountain being an awesome fortress that they would defend, until he talks about having a plan to provoke the werefolk into attacking one another without telling Seriah was it is, so Seriah is like “NO. Bitch, you talk to ME when you think of ideas.” And Valmar’s like “I was just going to say we have spies…” (even though they don’t) so Seriah’s like “Bitch, I will give the signs for string-pulling around here. I OWN you.” And Ashemir’s like “Hee~.” And so Seriah’s like “I’m holding a meeting in the mountains for all the vampires to be on the same page” and they both pressure Ashemir to go before Valmar disappears into his invisibility cloak (Oh yeah, he has an invisibility cloak. I don't know). And Valmar thinks to himself something along the lines of "Well, I'm just going to bide my time until I can backstab Seriah or something. I'll backstab him so hard." And Seriah’s like “Yeah, don’t worry about rape. (From him, anyway). But you’re totally down with this (among other things) right?” And Ashemir’s like “Non-definite answer.” So Seriah’s like “~~~ I’m a nice person, but I want to be on top of you around here, because everyone else sucks.” So Ashemir’s like “Irony is sweeeeet.” And so Seriah’s like “If you were deciding things, what would you do?” And Ashemir’s like “I dunnooooo…” And Seriah’s like “Why don’t you get more involved with me and see where it gets you? ;]” And Ashemir’s like “ >c I’ll go to the stupid meeting, god.” So Seriah’s like “Okie-dokie.” And Ashemir’s like “I’m going to leave now.” And Seriah’s like “You should totally come to visit later, baby.” And Ashemir’s like “NO MEANS NO,” and leaves.

Time for a Break
So later, Draven is chillin’ out in a tavern and Ashemir comes in, and he’s like “OMG a vampire’s here.” So he finds Draven and sits down at his table and he’s like “SOOO, what’s up.” And Draven’s like “Waiting between hunting and work.” So Ashemir’s like “Money isn’t pretty. What about rumors?” And so Draven’s like “Gossip is kind of lame. What about them?” And Ashemir’s like “What do you think I am, a woman? Vampires are getting together to go not be oppressed anymore.” And Draven’s like “Yeaaaah, no. I’m not going to harm humans.” And Ashemie’s like “ >C You know, whether you like it or not, this thing is going to barrel over you and your ability to work.” And Draven’s like “Whore, don’t intimidate me! This plan is to kill everything, isn’t it? D<” And Ashemir’s like “ >8C No, it’s not!” And Draven’s like “THAT CROSSES THE LINE! Your leader sounds power-hungry, and change only brings trouble, so I’m going to sit at this table. See you later, loser!” And Ashemir is like “GOD DAMMIT, BASTARD, F*CKING, SON A BITCH, WHORE, SLUT, AUUUUGGGGH!!!” and walks back over to Draven and is like “WHORE, I will run you out of this town, now go to the stupid meeting and talk to the vampires if you want a peaceful way to go about it!” And Draven’s like “LAWL, you’re cute when you’re angry. Let’s go for a walk!” And Ashemir’s like “WHAT-EVERRR!” And Draven’s like “lawl” so they go outside and introduce themselves and Ashemir tells him that the meeting is in the mountains and asks if he’s been, so Draven’s like “Tch, yeah I’ve been. Are you worried about me? ;]” And Ashemir’s like “ >8C Piss off or I’ll slap you!” And Draven has a ton of weapons under his cloak, so Ashemir’s like “Wut, are you compensating or something?” Meanwhile, Draven is getting this total kick out of pissing Ashemir off, and he’s like “I’m a mercenary! I’m always prepared and have everything I need at all times!” And Ashemir’s like “ X3 Like protection and stuff for penetrating? (lawl sex joke)” And Draven decides to take a shot at playing Gay Chicken with Ashemir, so he leans in close and is like “You wanna find out? ;]” CUE BACKFIRE. CUE BACKFIRE SO HARD. So Draven freaks out and jumps back and he’s like “” And Ashemir’s like “LAWL!!!” And Draven’s like “omg I feel uncomfortable now.” But after a critical look at Ashemir, he decides that he might bang Ashemir if he was a chick, before immediately thinking that that was a dirty, dirty thought. But you know, who can blame Draven, right? I mean, we have like, what, 7 females to like, double that in men? And half the chicks don’t even get played! And Ashemir’s like “lawl, you’re insulting me, jackass. >:]” And Draven’s like “omg, did not want to play Gay Chicken.” And Ashemir’s like “Eff you, you totally egged me on.” And Ashemir tells Draven that Seriah and Valmar are the two vampires running the show, and Draven’s like “Kay. Hey, come hunting with me.” So Ashemir’s like “Um... sure.” Except even trying to do anything that Ashemir doesn’t want to do fails pretty hard, so Ashemir’s like “Let’s go see a seer and laugh at them.” And Draven starts laughing about the thought of Ashemir smacking him, so Ashemir’s all “WTH is that? >8C Talk to me! You suck!” So Draven’s like “OMG, you’re such a NAG! Forget your stupid meeting!” And Ashemir’s like “I’LL SHOW YOU NAG. YOU PROBABLY CAN’T GET DATES.” And Draven’s like “FINE, GOD. I’M GOING TO THE CASTLE.” And Ashemir’s like “OH YEAH WELL—Wait, the castle?” And Draven’s like “I’m… looking for someone…” And Ashemir’s like “….See ya.” And Draven’s like “WAIT, I DON’T WANT TO BE ALONE.” And Ashemir’s like “Ugh, fine. Who are you looking for?” And Draven thinks to himself that knowing even vaguely about this person would put Ashemir in danger, but he makes the appropriate choice in not being a secretive douche and is like “It’s my brother. He’s lame and I want to DESTROY HIM.” And Ashemir’s like “Fair enough.” So we basically take Draven’s word for it that his brother is a total bastard, and Draven is super pissed about it. So Ashemir puts a move on Draven and is like “Idea: make friends at the meeting, and they’ll keep tabs on your brother.” And Draven’s like “OMG, I didn’t think of that! Hey, we’re in public, you mind giving me space there, buddy? ;] (Play Gay Chicken with me again).” And Ashemir’s like “(Haha, no.) I look like a chick anyway.” So Draven’s like “I’m going to go back to the tavern. Come with me or be lost. ;]” And Ashemir’s like “My pride will not allow me to accept. >C” And Draven’s like “Damn…”

To Haven, To Heaven
So Banez is leaving the library with books about maps and angels and heaven, and he’s like “I’m totally not taking books without telling anyone… and then going to hold onto the books indefinitely >_>”. BUT HE’S GOING TO PUT THEM BACK, HE SWEARS! So Lysand is walking and he’s like “Banez, wtf r u doin?” And Banez is like “OMG LYSAND. I’m just… getting high checking out books (lie). Uhhh, HOW’S STUFF WITH BRENTHOR? ” And Lysand’s like “T_T I’m not an idiot, Banez. But since you mention it, I’m going to make you escort Brenthor to the werewolves.” And Banez is like “*whines*” so Lysand’s like “Bitch, you promised me you would, other guards might be bribed to look the other way if he does something sneaky, and this is a motherf*cking ORDER.” And Banez is like “ Wow, I feel like the bottom of this relationship now.” And Lysand is like “Be careful Banez… because I love worry about you. Don’t let Brenthor rape you. And just remember how much it would trouble me if you got yourself killed.” And Banez is like “Oh wow, that’s romantic. >>” So Lysand is like “What are the books for?” And Banez shows his crazy, and it comes out that the Happy Rainbow Bliss Land is actually called Angel Haven, and apparently Banez thinks that this land he had a vision of when he was sick and dying exists, and his belief in it was the reason he was ridiculed when he was younger. Anyway, he’s trying to find it, and Lysand’s like “>> Yeah, you’ll totally find it. (lie)” And Banez is like “Your belief in me makes me happy! ” And Lysand’s like “So get ready to go with Brenthor in like the next few days, because we don’t want the sh*t to hit the fan.” And Banez is like “Yeah.” And Lysand’s like “>> I always keep asking you for stuff. I feel like I owe you sexual favors.” And Banez is like “Surprise me, baby. ;]” And Lysand’s like “I’ll buy you booze.” And so Banez is like “ =< You ruined the surprise…” And Lysand’s like “I’ll see you off when you leave with Brenthor.” And Banez is like “Hee~ I can't wait to see the look on Fat's face.” And Lysand’s like “Kay, see you later. (Oh God I hope Banez doesn’t die.)”

No Rest for the Weary
So Draven goes into the Stubborn Boar tavern and he’s like “I’m here!” THE END~

Lucid Wish
Back at the castle, Lorin has been having a reoccurring freaky dream about a hawt vampire eating him, so that makes him raid the wine cellar. So he’s stumbling around drunkenly and falls onto Brenthor’s door, so Brenthor’s like “HMMM… how to completely destroy Lysa—OH SHI—SOMEONE’S AT THE DOOR.” So he DRAWS HIS RAPIER and makes his way to the door and opens it, where Lorin almost falls on his face. And Lorin’s slurring… BADLY. He basically asks Brenthor why he’s in his room, and Brenthor’s like “(WTF is THIS, fate? >C I’m not a pedo.) This is my room, you little brat- WAIT… I can manipulate you while you’re drunk to fire Lysand later. Yes… Sit down. >3” And Lorin’s like ‘Kay.’ So Brenthor’s like “Tsk tsk, you shouldn’t be drinking. What’s wrong? I totally care about you! (lie)” And Lorin basically says that he’s worried about the vampires, but it’s almost worth it to read the actual line, because Brenthor is like “WTF r u saying?? Uhh, yeah, everything will run smoothly.” But Lorin misunderstands, so he’s basically like “If we had to run, you’d get caught by the vampires first. Because you’re fat. X3” And Brenthor’s like “HAHAHA, very funny. >C (little brat) But you need to look out for LYSAND. You totally can’t trust him.” So Brenthor totally plays Lorin into thinking that Lysand is out to get him until Lorin starts crying, so Brenthor hugs him and is like “I’ll protect you from Lysand! >3” And Lorin’s like “;_; @_@ *smothered*” And Brenthor’s like “I’ll find proof that Lysand is trying to hurt you. You truuuust me, riiiight? >3” And Lorin’s like “(Maybe once you move your hand less uncomfortably low from my lower back) Yeah…” So Brenthor’s like “Yeah! Now I’m totally going to forge find Lysand’s letters to the vampires. Because he TOTALLY sends letters to the vampires! (lie) I’d do ANYTHING to keep YOU safe! (lie)” (UGH BRENTHOR YOU SLIMEBAG) So Lorin starts crying more like an emo and says how he doesn’t feel like a prince, and he mentions his lookalike, whose name is Tier. So Brenthor’s like “UGH, I’m tired of comforting you but I will anyway because I’m manipulating you!” So Lorin gushes more about Tier and asks Brenthor is he misses anyone, and so Brenthor’s like “I pushed Lysand a, uhh, close friend away. >> ” And Lorin’s like “Whyyy? Without my friend, I’m nothing. ;_;” And Brenthor’s like “Cuz I have deeply ingrained daddy issues in which my daddy is living vicariously through me. Screw that guy, seriously. I hope you don’t think I’m nothing.” And so Lorin breaks Draven’s record and cycles through at least THREE emotions in one post, where he’s like “I think you’re fat! lol” but then he gets all emo again and is like “I do nothing. ;_; All I do is listen to Lysand. The least he can do is be happier, dammit! Lol!” (AND GIVE HIS BODY TO BANEZ—I, I MEAN…) And Brenthor’s like “…You don’t HAVE to have Lysand as your advisor, you know.” But that was apparently a diplomacy fail, because Lorin expresses feeling too upset to make decisions. And that he feels sick. So Brenthor’s like “OH GOD, DON’T THROW UP ON ME. I’LL GET YOU A BASIN. LIE DOWN.” So Brenthor gets the basin, which the prince immediately upchucks into. (Dammit, get his shoes next time!) And so he’s like “Sorry…” And Brenthor’s like “Ew, gross… Don’t worry about it (little brat). Go to sleep.” And he tucks Lorin into his bed (urf), and Lorin falls asleep. (NOOO, PRINCE LORIN, LOOK OUT!)

A Boy and His Captain
So Lorin is still worried about vampires and he’s looking through the library for books on them, and Banez comes in and he’s like “I’m TOTALLY not going to take more book—OH SHI—HI PRINCE LORIN.” And Lorin’s like “OH, HI BANEZ. …I’m not looking at books about hellspawn or anything! Are you looking for something?” And Banez is like “(OH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING ALRIGHT.) Ohhhh, nothing important. SOOO… what’s up?” And Lorin’s like “Nothin’ much. How cool are you with werewolves?” And Banez is like “Probably can’t be THAT hard to get along with them! They’re just furries!” And Lorin’s like “Yes.” And Banez is like “You can totally tell me stuff, btw.” (NO, BANEZ, HE’LL INFECT YOUR HAPPY!) So, right on cue, Lorin starts gushing about being depressed and feeling useless, so Banez is like “Uhh… let’s sit. I can teach you strategy and stuff? And Lysand can teach you politics. (But screw Brenthor, srsly)” So Lorin is like “Sure, I’ll learn strategy!” And Banez is like “So later, I guess.” And Lorin’s like “So now?” And Banez is like “SURE. To my chambers!” And Lorin’s like “Kay!” So Banez kidnaps takes Lorin to his chambers and sets a map over his Angel Haven map, which Lorin is like “?” about but doesn’t actually get a good look at. CUE LONG TEACHING SESSION ABOUT STRATEGY WHICH INVOLVES LORIN MOVING PIECES ON A MAP WHILE BANEZ TELLS HIM HOW MUCH HE SUCKS COMMENTS AFTER EVERY MOVE. We also learn that Lorin likes to do his killing after breakfast (if he DID kill at all). So afterward, Lorin is like “<3 I feel just a little less useless!” and Banez is like “Good job! Remember you can talk to me any time.” (‘Talk’? ;] ) Then they say good bye and Lorin leaves, afterwhich he decides to pick up a book on strategy.

Super Best Friends
BACK AT THE CASTLE. So Brenthor is going to the entry hall to meet Lysand before he leaves to talk to the werewolves, and he’s like “lol, I can be all sneaky and work on my evil plan while no one is watching!” And Lysand’s like “Oh hi, Brenthor. Here’s your escort.” And Banez comes in and he’s like “HIIII EVERYBODY! ” So Brenthor is like “ >8C I see what you’re doing!” And Lysand’s like “(I hope Banez doesn’t stab Brenthor) You two all set?” And Banez is like “Yeah. I’LL RETURN SOON, MY LOVE!” And Brenthor’s like “I’m sooo setting something up to kill Banez.” And Lysand’s like “Whore, Banez is capable.” And Banez is like “ >c You’re fat. Try not to fall off your horse, fattie.” So Banez and Brenthor saddle up and start their journey, yaaaay. And Brenthor’s like “Bitch, Lysand’s not here to protect you anymore.” And Banez is like “Whore, don’t threaten me.” And Brenthor’s like “Bitch, Lysand isn’t really friends with you. He doesn’t love you. Dog.” And Banez is like “You’d have more friends if you were nicer. OHHHH, BURRRNED.” And Brenthor’s like “Lysand’s just using you for your hot, sexy position as guard captain. At least when I whore out my alliances we work out everything up front and then completely forget about each other after our one night stand alliance when the fun is over.” And Banez is like “You’re just jealous that you don’t have the relationship that Lysand and I do. >c Stop trying to get me to cheat on him because it’s not going to work.” And Brenthor is like “LOLOLOL, srsly, you and Lysand are butt buddies? Do you know what happened to the last guard captain?” And Banez is like “Partially…. >_>” And Brenthor’s like “Lysand framed him and had him executed! And he did it because the captain knew that Lysand did something grisy. C<” And Banez is like “ >c If you talk about Lysand so much, why don’t you marry him?” And Brenthor’s like “LOL I’m just warning you! >3 Your guards suck!” And Banez is like “*scribble*” And Brenthor’s getting a huge kick out of picking on Banez, but Banez is like “lol, ur face.” So Brenthor’s like “LOL, UR FACE. Oh, rain, btw.” And Banez is like “I hate rain. >_<” So Brenthor’s like “Hahaha, what makes you miserable makes me happy. >3 And the werewolves won’t smell us so easily.” And Banez is like “Don’t make them rip out your throat even though I’m sick of you talking (and your face).” And Brenthor’s like “Dumbass, I’m a politician, and I’m sexy.” So Banez is like “LOL!!!!” And Brenthor’s like “ >8CCCC Well you’d suck as a politician! Dog!” And Banez is like “Not my job! =D” And the rain gets heavy, but Brenthor isn’t going to find shelter because he wants Banez to be wet and miserable, but Banez is like “Rain sucks, let’s go find shelter.” And Brenthor’s like “Ugh, fine…” So they cruise over to some trees and dismount to rest, and Brenthor’s like “What do you think about the prince?” And Banez is like “? That he has some growing up to do… My guards saw him stumble drunkenly in your room, should I be concerned about this?” And Brenthor’s like “>C He babbled, threw up, and fell asleep in my bed.” And Banez is like “XD What did he say?” And Brenthor’s like “That he doesn’t like Lysand. (lie) >D” And Banez is like “>C” And Brenthor’s like “How long until the troops are ready for war?” And Banez is like “?? A week? Are you thinking about the vampires? How long have you been working at the castle, anyway?” And Brenthor’s like “Well, since I was sixteen, but my father wanted to send me to my mother, and—HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!” And Banez is like “X3” But Brenthor’s like “I don’t want to owe the werewolves or werecats anything! I want to be neutral!” And Banez is like “Don’t worry about it….” And Brenthor’s like “Pfft, we will if the werewolves won’t fight alongside the werecats. Vampires are annoying.” And Banez is like “DKSAGNSIHSA VAMPIRES SUCK (in more ways than one, lol). And don’t worry about the wereanimals because they help us out of their own accord.” And Brenthor’s like “BANEZ SHUT UP ABOUT ME DOING MY JOB.” And so Banez is like “CALM DOWN, JEEZ.” And Brenthor’s like “Vampires suck. We should have DESTROYED all of them a long time ago.” And Banez is like “They reproduce with a BITE, MAN. A BITE. …What would you do if you were bitten?” And Brenthor’s like “…Kill myself after killing Lysand.” And Banez is like “Yeah…” So Brenthor’s like “…How guarded is the castle’s perimeter?” And Banez is like “It’s cool. The guards don’t know about the secret passageways.” And Brenthor’s like “OMG, YOU IDIOT, YOU FOOL. WE’RE NOT SECURE.” And Banez is like “OMG, YES WE ARE. I’M NOT STUPID. YOU’RE FAT AND I'M PISSED THAT I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT YOU BEING A BASTARD, FATTIE!” And Brenthor gets all effing creepy and he’s like “ >3 You can’t do anything about me because you’re powerless, and you won’t be able to protect yourself.” And Banez is like “WHORE, DON’T THREATEN ME.” And Brenthor’s like “LOLOL, you won’t kill me. >3 I can ruin your career!” And Banez is like “Don’t assume that much. >C” And Brenthor’s like “If you let me die, it’ll be your fault! >3” And Banez gets all depressed before Brenthor makes them saunter off again in the drizzle.

Shady Encounter
So in Riyer, Banez is standing outside The Loyal Stallion tavern, because Brenthor is making him miserable and is FAT, and he’s like “Fat’s stuffing his face. Pig. >c” And Avina (a chick with daggers) comes over and she’s like “omg Banez is here, Brenthor must be here, too. I’m going to lean on the wall and look sketch.” And Banez is remembering when Lysand called him a star, so he’s like “<3 --!! Oh, hai there, chick leaning on the wall. …So… how ‘bout this weather.” And Avi’s like “I think it’s calm and peaceful.” And Banez is like “So are people lying in coffins! Lol! (I wonder if that was kind of too morbid…)” And Avi’s like “D8 Dude, kind of too morbid…” And Banez is like “; Whoops. I’m Banez.” And Avi’s like “UHHHH, I’M GWEN. (lie) (HAVING A CONVERSATION IS HAAAAARD!)” So Banez is like “What brings you out here?” And Avi’s like “(HAVING A CONVERSATION IS HAAAAARD!) BECAUSE… UHHH… THE NIGHT IS NICE… AND UHHH… THERE WAS THIS PLACE… AND UHHH… I WANT A CONVERSATION. YEAH, ALL THAT. TOTALLY.” And Banez is like “(OMG, OMG, OMG, VAMPIRE, VAMPIRE, VAMPIRE!) So… if you want a conversation, what do you want to talk about?” And so Avi’s like “(HAVING A CONVERSATION IS HAAAAARD!) Uhhh… what do YOU do?” And Banez is like “(OMG, I’M ONTO YOU, VAMPIRE) I’m a sexy escort/soldier.” Blah blah blah, Avi covers as a huntress that doesn’t like blood, and then gets really defensive when Banez says that she doesn’t hope she doesn’t run into a bandit or anything (to the point of SHOWING HIM HER DAGGER), and another ‘Brenthor is fat’ joke is made. And Banez is like “Srsly, I would hope that everyone doesn’t run into bandits. That wasn’t a challenge against you.” And Avi’s like “Really? No one’s ever been that concerned about me before…. :< ” Blah blah blah, she says that her parents were nomads, so she picked up on their lifestyle, and so Banez is like “Uh-huh, yeah, sure, that’s interesting, but I should probably go now.” And then… things get a little weird. So the tavern door LOCKS (I don’t know), and then there’s some assassin or something (I don’t know), and he attacks Avi, even though there’s A BIG BEEFY GUY IN ARMOR NEXT TO HER. WHOM HE COMPLETELY IGNORES. And Avi’s like “I’m thinking! ….I’m thinking! ….I’m thinking! ….Oh no! I was stabbed while I was just standing here thinking!” But Harhunt was totally over it and so Banez had went into the tavern before it was locked (I still don’t know). Apparently the assassin runs off (I don’t know), and Avi’s like “This mission was HAAAAARD! Maybe I should have asked back questions and given him an in during the fight!” (MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE.) So she scurries off in failure and plans to talk to Brenthor later.

Enter the Labyrinth
SO, holy crap, we’re in the mountains and Seriah is about to start the meeting. Draven is there and looking for people to help him with his brother, and Ashemir is there, holding a lantern and basically tempting everyone with his presence. Suddenly and without remorse, Valmar is standing behind Seriah, and Stella comes in and she’s like “I like the monochromatic black and white caves and their green moss! Wait… Oh hell, OUTTA THE WAY OF MY HOOP SKIRT, BITCHES.” And Seriah’s like “ALRIGHTY, BITCHES! Basically, we’re here because Thrunalhin’s perspective on vampires SUCKS and we’re going to do something about it. Vampires are rotting in caves and hiding in towns and it SUCKS. And if you don’t do anything about it, you SUCK.” So Draven’s like “Okay, WHAT’S the plan? And humans totally are in the right to be scared of us! Vampires are scary! And things are fine the way they are; if some of us die, we can just make more of us!” Meanwhile, Malcom (after bullying Keith into joining in the chatbox) saunters in, and he’s like “LOL, yeah, fine! /sarcasm.” And Ashemir’s like “Things aren’t FINE; they suck. And fledglings suck, and you suck for not caring about the individuals behind the numbers!” And Valmar’s like “OUR ARMY IS AWESOME. We’ve been developing weapons.” And Stella is like “YEAH, this is AWESOME. Let’s give vampires jobs for this rebellion! Let’s f*cking DO THIS THING!” And Seriah’s like “stfu Draven. And Stella, I have plans for you. ;] But basically, we’re going to take over the castle, eat and turn the nobility, and DESTROY the royal bloodline. And we need the wereanimals to wage war with each other, because they’re lame.” And Draven’s like “STOP THIS SHIT, I object! We shouldn’t kill the royal blood line because it’s wroooonnnng! Taking over the castle is wrooonnng!” And he basically regurgitates Seriah’s plan about distracting the wereanimals. Malcom’s like “What-everrrr…”, Ashemir’s like “>C” and Valmar gets all hot and bothered over Seriah’s intended violence. Anyway, Valmar’s like “Killing the royal bloodline is necessary. Why don’t you join my sexy army, little man?” to Draven. And Stella’s like “Killing the royal bloodline is wrooonnng! Why don’t we kill just the officials insteeeaaad?” And Seriah’s like “>C God dammit, you guys. We need the castle so that we’re seen as having power. We need to kill the blood line so that there is no rally point after the takeover. Why do you even care about the royals? They’re part of the reason vampires are being hunted to extinction. >C” But Draven’s like “Nyeeehhh, killing the royal bloodline is wrooonnng! Killing a child is wrooonnng!” and regurgitates Seriah’s original plan about distracting the wereanimals again. And he thinks to himself that he won’t kill innocents because of that promise he made to his chick girlfriend, and to Valmar he’s like “Screw your army! I like the freedom I have!” And Ashemir’s like “DON’T ANY OF YOU READ THE STORIES WHERE A STRAY SON OR APPRENTICE COMES BACK TO KILL THEIR FALLEN ELDER’S NEMESIS? YOUR FREEDOM IS A LIE!” And Valmar’s like “Come be a part of the army so I can have you under my thumb among other things! If you care THAT much about humans, you can just kill wereanimals, or be a spy” (even though vampires don’t have blood amulets), even though humans treat us like crap. Because like my good blonde friend says here, you’re not free.” And Ashemir’s like 'We’re not good friends. >C' Draven’s like “Ugh, fine, I’ll talk to you after the meeting,” while Stella is like “(omg, I better not say anything else in this discussion or else they’ll disown me! (Even though this is supposed to be a discussion.))” And Seriah’s like “FINE, GOD. If the prince surrenders, then we’ll take him alive, but otherwise, we’ll have to kill him. Better? Anyway, onto the subject of the wereanimals…” And everyone else is like “Yeahhh, what about the wereanimals?” except Stella, who’s like “Bloodshed and perfume!” So Seriah’s like “Go on…? Anyway, I think we should pin some murders on either the werewolves and werecats, or kidnap one of them and hold it while they blame each other (so I can torture it in my basement, mmmohyesss….)” And Draven and Ashemir are like “Mmmyeah” except Valmar who’s like “DEFILE THEIR HOLY LAND! IT MUST BE TAINTED WITH BLOOD!” And Seriah’s like “That’s a little extreme… but you’re the general~~ You can skin some wereanimals and wear the fur.” And Ashemir’s like “(EW, THAT’S FUCKING GROSS.)” Stella’s like “We should like, sneak into Bastest and steal a royal werecat, because we’ll wear perfume and stuff.” And Ashemir’s like “Are you retarded? We should steal a werewolf, not a werecat. What the hell are we doing, anyway?” And Valmar’s like “Both!” And Seriah’s like “Yeah, both! ” And Draven’s like “Siiigh, I’ll go with Valmar’s side of the plan in Yina…” and Ashemir’s like “Siiigh, I’ll go help Seriah kidnap someone…” And Valmar’s like “I love it when a brutal plan comes together~~ And the army has non-scent deodorant claw weapons!” (If you didn’t lol there, I commend you.) And Seriah’s like “Of course Ashemir comes with me. ;] Everyone go mingle now, I’m tired of your faces.” And Draven’s like “Ugghh… I guess I’ll talk to Valmar now.” And Valmar’s like “I’m going to talk to everyone that wants to talk to me!” And Ashemir’s like “>C (I hate Seriah and his smug face.) So what’s the plan, Smugface?” And Seriah’s like “Mounting you, bring the chains. Mounting a cart to transport a werecat into Issilt, bring silver chains. Yeah, that.” And Ashemir’s like “But the werecats—Whatever. Sure.” And Draven’s like “I don’t really want to work with Valmar. He scares me. >_> And the mountain is making me claustrophobic.” And Valmar is like “Draven, come speak to me in private. On the mountain peek. *shifty eyes*” And Seriah’s like “Let’s discuss the details about the kidnapping at my house. ;]” And Ashemir’s like “>8C Fine, whatever. (I also hear what’s going on over there. I think I might sneak on Valmar…)” And Draven’s like “Okay, whatever, Valmar. I’m just going to leave the mountain now… And like… think my life over or something.” And Valmar’s like “(I’m going to talk smooth if I’m going to persuade Draven to take off his pants join the army.) Seriah, may I take your hat, sir?” And Seriah’s like “NOPE, I’m good~ =3 (And have a sexy bitch helping me.)”

Paranoia
So back in the castle, Lorin isn’t sleeping well and is freaking out about all the stuff that Brenthor told him about Lysand, while Lysand is in the hall and he’s like ‘wth is wrong with me, I’m caring about the prince, IT MUST BE BANEZ’ FAULT’, “…Oh hey, Prince Lorin.” So Lorin is like “LYSAND, I need to talk to you about the.. umm… werewolves. Yeah, that.” So Lysand is like “The werewolves could be politically sexy.” And Lorin’s like “But if vampires started attacking places, the werewolves would help us, right?” So Lysand’s like “Who knows, but who knows about the werecats, either, cuz’ they’re all independent and stuff.” And Lorin’s like “…So the werewolves are better (Because I read that werecats are just jealous bitches). Will the vampires organize themselves?” And Lysand’s like “Yes. It’s important that we destroy them.” And Lorin’s like “ Yeah, but won’t they freak out and start turning like crazy?” And Lysand’s like “It’s just a risk we have to take.” So Lorin’s like “I guess… Hey, can I look at your letters?” And Lysand’s like “Whhyyyy? O_ō” And Lorin’s like “Uhh… Brenthor told me that you’re evil I just want to know what you’re saying to other people. <=]” And Lysand gets all huffy and he’s all ‘omg, wtf is he looking for, why doesn’t he look at Brenthor’s fat, creepy letters, wth does he think I’m doin’?’, “This is unnecessary. ” But Lorin’s like “Show me now, bitch.” So they go to Lysand’s room, and Lysand’s like “I write a lot of letters.” And Lorin’s like “Yeah, yeah, whatever.” So Lorin is looking at a stack of letters with Lysand staring at him from the door, and Lysand’s like “…Have I done anything wrong?” And Lorin’s like “D= …I’m just… trying to learn political moves from your letters (lie).” And Lysand’s like ‘A LIKELY STORY.’ But Lorin’s like “Uhh… Lysand, take a break. =D” And Lysand’s like ‘WTF IS HE DOIN’ TELLING ME TO LEAVE MY OWN CHAMBERS’, “Fine, I’ll go for a walk.” And Lorin’s like “Kay. Have fun on your walk. I’m totally not going to scour your room or anything…”

[Ashemir Draemis]

Handful of Dust
AND THEN, in the Hangman Gallows or whatever, Lysand is looking at the gallows and he’s like “Ahhh… good times. Wait, but I kind of care about Banez…” And Avi comes over and she’s like “Oh, wait, I probably should have worn something that will actually let me reach my knives. My job is haaaard! This is all so haaaard! Thinking is haaaard!” And apparently Brenthor told Avi some stuff about Lysand doing bad, bad things, so she goes over to Lysand and she’s like “GALLOWS SUCK.” And Lysand’s like “Criminals deserve death. I’m Lawful… something.” And Avi’s like “I’m Kora! (lie) What’s the worst thing someone’s done?” And Lysand’s like “Treason. And I’m the advisor to the king” (/prince). And Avi’s like “(UGH, HE SOUNDS LIKE A TOTAL DOUCHE, BECAUSE… WELL, BECAUSE HE DOES!)” and she stalks around him, because that’s not suspicious or anything, and she’s like “I think lying is worse.” And Lysand’s like “wut.” And Avi’s like “I mean, big lies that manipulate groups of people. Yeah, that. Walk with me?” And Lysand’s like “I… guess?” while alarm bells are ringing in his head (why they didn’t ring out earlier, I don’t know). And Avi’s thinking to herself all like “I’m going to rip my dress to get at my daggers! Because that won’t look awkward or anything! I probably shouldn’t try to seduce him, cuz he doesn’t seem the type to be into strangers.” (And if he cheated on Banez, who knows WHAT would go down) And while she’s about to rip her dress off, she’s like “What do you think of the prince?” And Lysand’s like “He’s cool.” And then… things get a little REALLY stupid. Lysand’s like “OH SNAP. This street has no guards! I should have been paying attention to that!” And Avi… sucks in her stomach and her dress falls? (Is she flat-chested or something? Is her stomach seriously the only thing keeping this dress up? I DON’T GET IT.) And she’s like “I’M GOING TO THROW A DAGGER AT YOUR LEG! Even though trying to stab your chest or your stomach would be more effective in accordance to my job!” So it’s ON, and Lysand draws his rapier after getting cut in the leg. (Laaaaame). And Avi’s like “I know about your plans for the prince! You’re evil and abuse your position and stuff! I’m going to throw two more daggers and NOT PAY ATTENTION TO WHERE THEY’RE AIMED.” And Lysand’s like “WUT” and cuts her side, so Avi’s thinking to herself “OMG, Brenthor is TOTALLY right! His cluelessness COMPLETELY denotes evilness!” And she… runs up and jumps, and then when she lands, she swings her dagger around. ….WHAT THE HELL WAS THE JUMP FOR? YOU’RE A HUMAN, NOT AN ANIME CHARACTER! Anyway, Lysand gets a cut on his chest, so he’s like “Oh noooo! Guards, help me! I’m in great distress!” And Avi’s like “LOL, what are the guards gonna’ do?” Uhhh… kick your ass and arrest you? But Lysand cuts her side, so she’s like “Oh nooo! I’m going to STAND UP and then SLASH HIS ANKLES!” And Lysand’s like “LOL, I’m wearing boots!” (and he curb-stomps her! … No… I wish, though.) and he kicks her in the ribs (CURB-STOMP HER!). So Avi gets kicked like a bitch and then gets up and starts throwing her daggers like a pansy, and then IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BATTLE, bandages her side with her ripped dress. So Lysand gets hit in the chest (uhhh… wut?) and falls down (wut?) and drops his rapier (WUT?) and says like… shit that video game characters say when they die (SERIOUSLY, WTF. WHERE THE HELL ARE MY GUARDS, ANYWAY?) And Avi’s like “Oh wait… I feel bad… Oh wait, he’s supposed to be evil, right. Oh wait… I’ll just be totally ineffective and leave him here. Brenthor will totally be proud of me! You know, after I totally admitted that he hired me to assassinate Lysand!” And then she… ties Lysand up and gags him (dude, WHY? WHY NOT JUST KILL HIM IF YOU’RE GOING TO GO THROUGH ALL THAT TROUBLE? THIS ACTION MAKES NO SENSE.) Anyway, Avi leaves, and then the guards come (FUCKING FINALLY. WHAT WERE YOU GUYS DOING, WATCHING EACH OTHER PLAY WITH YOURSELVES IN THE CORNER? WHAT DO I PAY YOU ALL FOR?) and hurry to get Lysand back to the castle.

A Healing Touch
So Nolitus (the castle's healer) is replacing his ingredients and thinking about how great it would be to melt his assistant, when said assistant Nurse Wrachid comes over and she’s like “OMG, LYSAND WAS STABBED.” And Nolitus is like “!!! Bitch, get me my supplies while I go down there!” So he goes down to the infirmary, and he’s like “Tell me what happened!” And Lysand’s brought in while the guards explain the wounds to Nolitus, and Lysand’s hallucinating his father and is generally just a mess. Meanwhile, Lorin comes out of Lysand’s room and is like “? My ‘something is happening’ senses are tingling!” So he goes to the infirmary, and he’s like “OMG LYSAND.” And Nolitus is like “Get out of the way of the door,” before Nurse Wrachid slams it into the guard standing next to Lorin. And they start getting to work, while Lysand is speaking to his hallucinations and Lorin is generally freaking out. Oh yeah, and Nolitus had been the one treating Tier the lookalike in the infirmary the night he died, so yeah, there’s your trivia. Anyway, Lysand’s like “Did you find what you wanted in my room? < ( >c )” And Lorin’s like “Eff that!” (He apparently found a mysterious locked box under Lysand’s bed, btw) “Who did this to you??”
(And we're assuming that Lysand mentioned something about Brenthor, but was still hallucinating. Oh yeah, and that Lysand didn't die.)

One Day Out There
IN THE DRAGON'S KEEP TAVERN, Prince Lorin thinks it’s a good idea to sneak outside the castle, because, yeah, THAT ALWAYS ENDS WELL. Anyway, he sits down, and then Stella comes in and sits down at his table to like, STARE at him. And then Draven comes in, and he’s like “wtf Stella, you’re just going to stare at him? Well, I’M going to talk to him! Hello there, little boy!” Somewhere else in the room, Shadi (a stone mage) is sitting down and is like “My rings are pretty~” And Malcom saunters in all fabulous-like and is like “ X3 ~~ ….Oh. Those goody-two-shoes douche vampires are here. >C ” So he goes over to Shadi and is like “83 May I take your hat, sir?” Back to Lorin, who is totally freaking out but is too much of a bunny to deny Draven or Stella from sitting with him. Anyway, Stella is like “(OMG, there’s something so familiar about him!) What’s your name?” And Draven pats Lorin on the shoulder before he sits down, and Lorin’s like “I’m Tier. OMG I FEEL SO AWESOME USING THAT NAME!” Meanwhile, Shadi’s like “I’m different and order raspberry cider! Hey, who are those sexy bitches over there?” And so Malcom’s like “The two older douches are douches. What do you care?” And Shadi’s like “Ohhh, no reason… They stand out. Yeah, that.” And then Travis is working at the tavern, paying off his expenses after literally crashing into Tadala’s and Scipio’s sex scene (You remember that? I certainly don’t want to), and apparently Ivan said some apocalypse prophecy about the wereanimals warring and the vampires rising into power (*COUGHLAMEWRITINGTOGIVEYOURCHARACTERMORE INFORMATIONTHANEVERYONEELSECOUGH*), and Travis is like "Huuuhhh..." but ANYWAY, he comes over to 2-vampires+prince group and he’s like “May I take your hat, sir? ” And Stella’s like “Rum, even though it’s a cheap commoner’s drink that I’m totally too good for! (AND THIS KID IS LYING, I KNOW HE IS).” And Draven’s like “Yeah, me too (YEAH, ME TOO!)” And Lorin orders mead and he’s like “(Oh god, they keep watching me…) Sooo… you locals?” Back to Malcom, he gives Shadi his raspberry cider and then goes over to Travis and he’s like “Bitch, you better pretend to be happy while taking orders or I’ll make you practice by raping you tonight make you clean the upstairs rooms and you probably already know about all the bodily fluids that float around in there.” So Travis is like “>| I wanna punch you in the face SO bad,” but gets the drinks and is like “May I take your hat, sir? :A” BLAH BLAH BLAH, Stella and Draven aren’t really locals and neither is ‘Tier’, and they ignore poor Travis, who wanders over back to the bar. Meanwhile, Malcom asks for payment and is like “You going to join them?” While Shadi is like “LOL, you avoiding that table is funny.” Also, apparently Stella knows EVERYONE IN THE WORLD, because she thinks that her not knowing a traveler named ‘Tier Findlyn’ is suspicious…. HOW? Anyway, Lorin/Tier asks for their businesses, but Draven gets up to talk to Malcom and Stella keeps pelting Lorin with questions, I guess in the hopes of tripping him up, but Lorin freaks out and accuses Stella and Draven of being robbers before he flees to the other side of the tavern. Apparently to Travis, Lorin’s assumption of Stella and Draven is also suspicious…. HOW? So Stella’s like “Nooo, don’t leave! You’re so familiar to me!” But Shadi goes over to him first and he’s like “HAI. 83” And Lorin’s like “ Hi. Btw, those two people were being lame.” And Shadi’s like “Who knows, man?” Blah blah blah, ‘Tier’ is not from Cados and Shadi is from Riyer, and apparently the cathedral might have something shady under it that ‘Tier’ might look into. So Shadi’s like “lawl, morbid much?” And ‘Tier’s like “There’s weirdo disappearances there, and a sexy sword, but it’s sealed off now. >_> Whatever, I don’t really care.” And Shadi’s like “Who knows, there could be stuff down there. B3” And Lorin’s like “Maybe, but it’s sealed off so whatever. Any news between Riyer and here?” And Shadi’s like “Two adventurers were getting a quest from an old lady for armor that sets itself ON FIRE! HARDCORE.” And Lorin’s like “NOT HARDCORE, SCARY. D8 …What if all the monsters disappeared.” And Shadi’s like “Men would fill the ‘monster’ slot, but that’s not fun.” And Lorin’s like “No, it isn’t… I’d rather slay monsters.” And Shadi’s like “Yeah. But the important part is the adventure~”
But anyway, Draven went to talk to Malcom, so Draven’s like “Who’s the new guy?” And Malcom’s like “ -_- Some loser that broke some stuff.” And Draven’s like “Finding work is sucking right now. …lol!” And Malcom’s like “…What the hell do you do, anyway?” And Draven’s like “Whatever people pay me to do, bby. ;]” So Malcom and Draven exchange cell phone numbers brotherly information, in hopes that Draven will see Markus Selder, shorter than Malcom, and that Malcom will see Marrus Hunter, with the green eyes and long hair. But then Travis swaggers over and he’s like “What about Marrus Hunter?” And Malcom’s like “(Speak and begone, slave!) lolol, I just noticed that Draven’s last name is funny.” While Draven is like “WHAT DO YOU KNOW?” And Travis is like “HE KILLED SOMEONE I LOVED. And he shows up in places but then is mysteriously gone.” And Draven’s like “DON’T STEAL MY KILL. …I’ll pay Malcom off to let you go if you promise me sexual favors, because LOL YOU BROKE THE UPSTAIRS.” But Travis is like “ >c I don’t have anything else for you. I’m just going to go clean a table now…” And Draven’s like “Wait, jk! I’ll pay your debt if you help me.” And Travis is like “…. I want you to, but I feel obligated to stay with Malcom.” (<3 ) And Malcom’s listening in, and he’s like “WHAT?” and pours ale over Travis’ head and is like “BITCH, LET HIM PAY THE DAMN DEBT.” And Draven’s like “I’M PAYING THE DAMN DEBT.” So Travis is like “Okay.” So Malcom’s like “LOL, okay, gimme money.” And Draven’s like “FINE.”
(So we can assume that Lorin and Shadi broke off, and Draven paid off Travis’ debt to Malcom.)

Blue Moon
So, in the Ancient Ruins in Naullus, Harrier (the werewolf alpha) gets the werewolves to gather, and he jumps up on a pillar and is like “BEHOLD MY LAWFUL GOOD GLORY!” And Vieko (a human spy) is like “83” while he pretends to be a werewolf (also getting some ‘crazy’ vibes from him). And Valcyn comes over and she’s like “HMMM, I don’t know this werewolf! I’M AUTOMATICALLY SUSPICIOUS!” And Yeszlin comes over too, and she’s like “Huh, a new werewolf… I’ll investigate after this.” And Vieko’s like “(HAHAHAHA, I HAVE A BACKSTORY. YOU CAN’T CATCH ME! >)” Yeeeaaaah… probably meticulous enough to border ‘crazy’. And Harrier’s like “Werewolves saw the werecat ambassador going over to Cados, so, uhhh, yeah, that’s not cool. We need to do something or prepare for war.” And Vieko’s like “Remind the humans that we’re awesome! 83” And Valcyn’s like “(I’m too cool to hate werecats! Vampires suck!)” while Yeszlin’s like “Yeah, what Vieko said! Cuz I just came from the castle and everything seemed cool.” And Harrier’s like “Well duh. Send the ambassador up there while we get ready for war just in case, yeah?” And Vieko’s like “(I dunno. MAYBE IF THESE PEOPLE STOP BEING SUSPICIOUS OF ME FOR NO REASON.)” And Valcyn’s like “The werecats aren’t our true enemy! Vampires are! (OMG THIS WEREWOLF GUY)” and Yeszlin’s like “Yeah, the vampires give me a bad feeling! I should go to the capital and read books about them and stuff (OMG I’M PULLING THIS WEREWOLF GUY OVER AFTER THE MEETING.)” So Harrier’s like “Yes, go forth and gather information! And it’s possible to have more than one enemy. >=/ But if it looks like it’s beneficial, we’ll get up in the vampires’ grill more than the werecats.” And Vieko’s like “;__; (NO ONE LIKES ME, I’M GONNA GO CRY IN THE CORNER.)” And Valcyn’s like “I’m just sayin’.” And Yeszlin’s like “I’m sad that I made that dude werewolf sad. ;_; I’ll stop bothering him now. As for the meeting, I’mma go get information from the castle now.” And Harrier’s like “Alrighty, so we’ll prepare for attacking both races if we have to.” And Vieko’s like “And I can be your spy, yeah?” And Valcyn’s like “?” And Yeszlin’s like “?” And Harrier’s like “>c I dislike sneaky methods, but alright. Just know that if you’re caught, you’re gonna’ get ruined.” And Vieko’s like “ =3 Kay. (Necklaces nao?)”
(And we’re assuming that Harrier made Vieko the werewolf spy. Oh snap.)

Don't Push My Buttons, Dearie.
So Chey is cruisin’ around Cado’s marketplace, and people keep bothering her to buy things, but she’s like “NO MEANS NO, AUUUGH. I’m going to the fancy section!” And Malcom’s like “I smell like alcohol because perfume is gay. I’m here because I am in /desperate/ need of new clothes. That’s totally manly.” So he sees Chey and he’s like “Oh hey, chick, where can I buy fabulous new clothes?” And Chey’s like “(HMMMM… he’s pretty pale…) Down the street.” And then SURPRISE, SURPRISE, Travis is poking around the stalls, and he asks a vendor how much for a set of hunting clothes that blend into the forest while thinking about how weird Malcom is. Anyway, Malcom sees Travis and is like “THAT BLENDING IN BETTER NOT BE TO ESCAPE FROM ME, BITCH. What, so you can’t pay me but you can buy a new outfit??” OHHHH, BUSTED! (Also, HARHUNT IS WON AND TOTALLY SHIPS MALCOM X TRAVIS NOW.) And Travis is like “Maybe if you let me do some bounty hunting, I could pay you off faster. >|” And Chey’s like “ō_O You two know each other?” while she puts her hand on her sword. And Travis is like “Yeah… I owe a debt to him and now he takes advantage of me as much as he can. I’m totally going to be charming to you now.” And Malcom’s like ‘WTF side of Travis is THIS?? Why doesn’t he act like THIS when he's around me?! AUGH, WHORE’, “Uhh, yeah, I’m not going to get close to that bitch while she’s gripping the hilt of her sword.” Blah blah blah, Chey is trying to find herbs for her tribe, which she’ll obviously find more readily in the marketplace, than, you know, IN THE FOREST WHERE THEY’RE NATIVE TO, while Travis keeps being nice enough to her that it makes Harhunt want to puke in a bucket, and Chey keeps bitching in her thoughts that there’s something off with Malcom BECAUSE NO ONE EVER LIKES TO PLAY DUMB ON THIS FORUM, DO THEY? STOP USING OOC INFORMATION AGAINST THE PERSON YOU’RE ROLEPLAYING WITH, YOU WHORES. ANYWAY, Malcom’s starting to panic and tries to bail, but Chey tells him not to, and she’s like “I’m having an off day! Yeah, that’s it!” And Travis puts a move on Chey and makes a sketch comment about Malcom (which fails to get a reply from Chey, btw), who’s like “(THAT WHORE, WTF IS HE SAYING ABOUT ME?)” but before Malcom can flounder and lose his business (REMEMBER TO THINK DECISIONS THROUGH, PEOPLE. THE MOST INTERESTING/FUNNY CHOICE IS NOT ALWAYS THE CORRECT ONE.), Ashemir saunters over and distracts everyone with his presence. And Malcom’s like “Oh hi. (EW, GROSS, HE SMELLS LIKE CINNAMON.)” And Chey’s like “Oh hi... (EW, GROSS, HE SMELLS LIKE CINNAMON.)” And Travis is like “Oh hi, chic—dude. (He smells like a cookie.)” And Ashemir’s like “Yeah, sure, whatever. (Werecat should go away.)” And Malcom’s like “SEE YOU LOSERS LATER!” And Chey’s like “Yeah, I’m leaving now.” So Travis and Ashemir are standing there, and Travis is like “That was weird…” and Ashemir’s like “TCH, EVERYTHING’S WEIRD. GOD. GET WITH THE PROGRAM.” And Travis is like “Yeah, I’m going to get mint. SEE YA.” And Ashemir’s like “YOUR DEPARTURE INSULTS ME.”

Caught Red Handed
(After much yelling and griping and crazy pills, this thread is not canon, so yeah, bear that in mind.)
Oh God, here we go. Hang tight, folks, we’re in for a contrived and equally painful ride. So Chey is in the Stubborn Boar tavern, and she’s bleeding on the new cloak that she bought because wereanimals can make their clothes disappear, remember that? Anyway, she’s like “Oh nooo, I cut too deep! Haha, I’m so ditzy!” And then Travis walks in (You can pretty much guess where this is going by now) and he’s like “Uggghhhh, I shouldn’t have shot up all the mint, man.” (Dude, I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to inject it! D= ) But he’s going to drink some tea, because that’s manly, and then he sits next to Chey and he’s like “Hey. What’s up with your hand?” Oh right, why is he not back at Malcom’s tavern working and drinking? Well… because. MOVING ON. Chey’s like “NOTHIN’. I SHOULDN’T BE TALKING TO YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE A HUMAN. THAT’S WRONG.” (Wut?) So Travis is like “Mint sucks.” And Chey’s like “It’s okay. HAVING ANY SORT OF RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU IS WRONG. OR IS IT? I THINK IT IS. I THINK I’M INTOXICATED AFTER ONE DRINK.” (Fucking lightweight!) And Travis orders some tea before he’s like “OMG, CHEY IS THE HOTTEST SHIT I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.” (Spotting a trend, here?) Blah blah blah, obviously Chey is just traveling to Cados, prefers nomadic life and hates the city, and she orders another drink because hey, THAT’S SMART! And Travis is like “OMG, I FEEL YOU! I FEEL YOU SO HARD. I’M SO COMFORTABLE WITH YOU. DID I MENTION THAT I FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH YOU? I FEEL SOOOO COMFROTABLE WITH YOU.” And Chey decides (to use her feminine wiles) to dig information about Malcom from Travis and she’s like “…Why are you in debt to Malcom again?” So Travis tells her the epic tale of Travis vs. Ivan, where he cockblocked Scipio and slayed Ivan (I’m going to have to double check some things, I could have sworn to God that Travis mentioned Ivan still being alive…), so Malcom is working him like a slave (You know you like it, Travis. ;] ) And Chey’s like “Uh, yeah, whatever, sure. How much is the damage?” And Travis is like “I… don’t knooow…. >_> But Malcom’s weird, so don’t feel bad about being scared of him.” And Chey’s like “I’M NOT SCARED OF VAMPIRES. (lie)” (*ironic slow clap*) And Travis is like “ADGKAHFASJ UHH, I MEAN, HE CREEPS ME OUT, TOO. DON’T HATE ME.” And Chey has the BRILLIANT idea of ordering Travis a stronger drink, but Travis is like “It’s ooc for me to be talking to you. And it’s ooc of me to order alcohol.” And Chey’s like “I’m being ooc too for drinking and not going back to Bastest, but I’m going to just have my ic voice yell at me and hope no one notices!” (Fuck you both with a cattle rod!) And get this, Chey’s like “Maybe getting drunk with a total stranger won’t be so bad!” DO THE WOMEN ON THIS FORUM WANT TO GET RAPED? FUCK YOU, SERIOUSLY. NO WONDER NO ONE ELSE WANTS TO BE A WERECAT; THEY'RE ALL JEALOUS SLUTS THAT BEND OVER THE FIRST CHANCE THEY GET AND THEN CRY WHEN SOMEONE STICKS THEIR DICK INTO THEM. BEHOLD, ARROW, YOUR BELOVED RACE HAS BEEN MADE A JOKE OF BY MORONS. That has to be the most retarded thing I’ve ever read! (I’m done for now. *throws crazy pills*)
So cue more of these two fucktards drinking more alcohol when it’s clearly pointed out to be out of their character, and Chey’s like “BIRTHDAY PARTY!” And Travis is like “You believing in more than one deity bothers and confuses me!” And Chey’s like “Derp derp!” And Travis is like “Did I mention that I feel comfortable with you?” And Chey’s like “Wheee!” And Travis is like “I’D TRAVEL THE WORLD WITH YOU!” And Chey’s like “Hurrrr.” And Travis is like “You’re the hottest shit I’ve ever seen, ever.” (*bangs head repeatedly on wall* I NEED MORE CRAZY PILLS.)
*throws crazy pills at Liv and Patrick* FFFF DO YOU WANT ME TO HATE YOU FOREVER?

Dark Ores
So open up to Mason’s problems, since his wife is sick with a fever, Mason is actually working in the smithy and he’s like “Where the hell is that one guy?”, and Draven comes in and he’s like “Haha, I’m heeeere! ^_^;” And Mason’s like “Yo… (it’s a good thing I have a ton of swords and stuff around me now)” And Draven’s like “Yeah, sorry. Hot blondes I mean, stuff came up. You know how that is.” And Mason’s like “Yeah, whatever. Tell me what you want.” And Draven’s like “lol, I like you. Anyway, I need my sword replaced, three or four daggers replaced, and two knives made from black steel. Did you get all that? Let me just pose with my knife here…”
(WE CAN JUST ASSUME DRAVEN GETS HIS BLACK STEEL WEAPONS.)

One man's weapon...
Another day in the smithy, and Mason is working while his small child daughter is watching (AWWWWW). And (sorry, Arrow, it can’t be a day later or else the space-time-continuum would explode.) Scipio is acting like it’s his time of the month, and he buys some garlic and bread while yelling at people that stare at him, because he has this GLORIOUS swollen bruise down across half of his face! HAHA, LOOOOSER! Apparently Ivan the Monster totally KICKED HIS SCRAWNY ASS when he and Travis went flying through the wall, HAHAHA! Anyway, he goes into the smithy and smiles at Mason’s daughter, but Mason’s daughter is all “<=S” and Mason’s like “S’up?” And Scipio’s like “My sword broke. Fix plz? Btw, your daughter is cute.” And Mason’s like “Yeah, she’s adorable. Money plz.” And Scipio’s like “Here you go. (I need to get a haircut and get a real job.)”
(WE CAN JUST ASSUME THAT SCIPIO'S WEAPONS ARE REPAIRED. THE LOSER.)

The Sound of the Ocean
So by the Sentry Tower in Naulus, Yeszlin is reading a novel, and she’s like “Ugh, this novel sickens me!” And Valcyn is there and she’s like “Yo.” And Yeszlin’s like “Oh hai. What are you doing here?” And Valcyn’s like “The ocean is pretty. And I see you come here to read.” And Yeszlin’s like “Yeeep… (I’ve never seen you here before…)”

You Lead An Entire Race, Too?
So Cheveyo (The werecat CHIEF, BABY!) is in Yina and flashbacks about her student who got nommed by a vampire way back when before going into the water, and Harrier comes over but he’s all “God dammit. >C” And Banez rides in, because he was chasing an angel. Consequentially, he ditched Brenthor. So he sees Chey and he’s like “D//8 Have you seen angels?” And both head honchos are like “LAWL, no.” And both leaders have this back and forth the whole way through where it’s basically “‘Eff you. >c’ ‘LAWL I’m annoying you!’ ‘Eff you. >c’ ‘LAWL I’m annoying you!’” until they both turn into wereanimals, which makes Banez’ horse freak out, and then it goes on again as relentlessly as Brenthor’s obsession with Lysand. Anyway, Banez says he’s basically here to talk to the alpha, so Harrier’s like “Yo. Where’s the fat guy?” So Banez is like “LOL! He… got lost.” And Chey’s like “(lol, Brenthor’s fat.)” And Harrier’s like “SOME ESCORT YOU ARE. Back to business.” But Banez is like “EFF YOU, IF BRENTHOR DOESN’T SUCK AND YOUR WEREWOLVES DON’T SUCK, THEN HE’LL BE FINE. ANYWAY, VAMPIRES ARE IN TIAELDE.” And Chey’s like “Oh yeaaahhh.” And Harrier’s like “BITCH, don’t talk about my werewolves that way! >C You have no sense of duty for abandoning Brenthor!” And Banez is like “AKSLDGHASLGK; BRENTHOR CAN SUCK A DICK AND DIE. WE NEED YOUR HELP.” So Chey goes over and sizes up Banez and she’s like “Just curious… what can you offer me to help? ;]” And Banez is like “UHHHH.” While Harrier is like “WERECATS SUCK FOR EXPECTING THINGS. THE WEREWOLVES WILL HELP YOU BECAUSE WE’RE SELF-RIGHTEOUS AND BECAUSE IT’S THE RIGHT THING TO DO. Srry, btw.” And Banez is like “Yah, srry, too. Thnx.” And Chey’s like “Yeah, the werecats will help, too. Cuz vampires are evil and stuff.” And Harrier’s like “WHAT DO YOU MEAN WERECATS ARE HELPING TOO? WERECATS SUCK AT BANDING TOGETHER.” And Banez is like “Break off the human soldiers with werecats or werewolves? <=);;” And they’re both like “Sounds good,” but Chey’s like “Werewolves suck at loyalty!” And Harrier’s like “WHORE, TAKE THAT BACK.” And Banez is like “If you don’t stop insulting each other, I’ll send you to your rooms without supper!” Blah blah blah, they’re going to search the entire mountain and they’re going to meet in Tiaelde in two weeks while everyone gathers up their troops. So Harrier’s like “See you losers later,” and leaves. And Chey shakes Banez’ hands when they say goodbye, and Banez is like “HAHA… you could probably crush my hand right now. ;” And Chey’s like “X3 I sense a lot of trust from you.” And then they gooooo.

Looking for Trouble
So in Naulus while Brenthor is being ditched, Avi finds Brenthor and decides that it’ll be a good idea to poke him with a dagger to get this attention. And Brenthor’s like “EFFIN’ BANEZ, WTH WAS HE DOIN’, CHASIN’ ANGELS… LOSER. !! WHO THE EFF IS—oh, it’s just you.” So Brenthor giggles like a schoolgirl and he’s like “Lysand is dead? >3” And Avi’s like “HAHA… about that…” And Brenthor’s like “…wut.” And Avi’s like “You don’t mind if he’s badly wounded and not dead, right? =D” And Brenthor SMACKS AVI ACROSS THE FACE LIKE A BITCH and he’s like “YES, I EFFING MIND. OMG, YOU SUCK SO HARD. OMG. OMG.” And Avi demonstrates the potential for awesome when she thinks about slapping Brenthor back, but she unfortunately doesn’t. And she’s like “Killing people is HAAAARD!” And Brenthor’s like “Well, we can always break him if no trail was left behind after your screw up.” And Avi’s like “HAHA… about that…” So Brenthor’s like “!! OKESLGISAGLDHSALDG! YOU IDIOT, YOU FOOL! I’M GOING TO GET F’ED UP THE A WHEN I GO BACK TO THE CAPITAL, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!” and smacks her HARDER.
(We can assume that Avi got smacked and slunk off in shame.)

Doubt
So Aria is crusin’ around Bastest and she’s wearing jewelry and stuff, because that’s what werecats do, apparently. And she goes into Chey’s tent, and Chey is freaking out over having to gather an army of werecats in two weeks. But eventually Chey leaves her tent and sees Aria and she’s like “S’up?” And Aria’s like “UGH, things suck. The humans are all annoying and want the werewolves in on it, too, and the vampires will probably know something is up with everyone running around… stupid.” And Chey’s like “Even though I’m the werecat chief, I’m going to act like Aria has the authority to yell at me for talking to Harrier and Banez!” And Aria presses the generic ‘Advance Dialog’ option, so Chey keeps being a pansy and breaking eye contact and being all “I did a baaaad baaaad thing in making plans without you!” And Aria’s presses the generic ‘Advance Dialog’ option again, so Chey spits out the plan to search the mountains from before, but Aria is all moody and she’s like “Yeah, okay, sure. >c” And Chey’s like “No, don’t be sad, I looove you! Now let’s make a plan on gathering the werecats…” (What werecats?) So Aria’s like “Kay. We’ll leave a messenger here to persuade the werecats hanging out and go find others around the place, but they’re going to bitch pretty hard.” So Chey’s like “Eff them, they’ll just have to deal with being good people. >C I’ll go look for the werecats.” So Aria’s like “Eff being messenger, he’ll be an NPC or something I’ll go, too. Maybe we should offer a reward.” So Chey’s like “OMG our people are such whores! But fiiine, what do we offer?” (Lawl, political relations… with their own race! ) So Aria’s like “Gold, because it’s shiny~” And Chey’s like “UGH, our people are such whoresfor not caring!” And Aria’s like “I’ll go to Issilt.” And Chey’s like “I’ll go to Cados and around Naulus. OMG, MY OTHER OFFICIALS AREN’T AROUND.” (NO, NO THEY ARE NOT! *assumes Chey’s anger*) So Aria’s like “I’ll go tomorrow and wrangle up some werecats!” And Chey’s like “Okie dokie!”

Crimson Tides
So Brenthor and Banez FINALLY come back to the castle, and Brenthor’s like “Omg, I can’t believe Lysand is alive. >C” And Banez is like “HAHAHA, I can do your job!” And Brenthor’s like “YEAH WELL, I know stuff you don’t!” And a guard comes over and is like “D8 Don’t hurt me! Shit hit the fan!” And Banez is like “? Wut.” And the guard’s like “Someone tried to assassinate Lysand. D8>” And Banez is like “AGHALKSFHLAKSJA” and runs into the castle with Brenthor following behind him being all self-satisfied and lame. So Banez goes into the infirmary and he’s like “OMG, LYSAND, WHERE?!” And Lysand’s still bed-ridden and he’s like “Banez, my love!, you’re back!” And Lorin is sitting next to Lysand, so he’s like “OMG, you’re back!” And Banez is like “WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN?” So Lysand explains what happened to Banez until he sees Brenthor lurking like a creeper in the door frame and he’s like “;_;” So Brenthor comes in and he’s like “HAHA, Lysand, you’ve been stabbed! Lorin, do you want my report now?” And Lorin’s like “Uhhh…” While Banez is like “(FAT, GTFO, I’MMA CUT YOU.)” And Lysand’s like “I want them to leave so I can tell you stuuuuff!!!” So Brenthor’s like “We should give them time alone, if you know what I mean. ;]” And Lorin’s like “Okay…” But Banez is like “I don’t want them to leave, I want to make sure I know what sort of things he says to the prince because he’s a terrible, terrible person!” But Brenthor and Lorin leave the infirmary, because Brenthor has some srs bsns to discuss with Lorin apparently, so Banez is like “TELL MEEEE, IT’S FAT, ISN’T IT! DOES LORIN NOT SEE HOW EVIL HE IS?”And Lysand’s like “Well… yeah, but there’s no proof. (I’m touched that you care about me, but I’m not going to admit it to myself!)” And he tells Banez about the chick that attacked him, but Banez changes the topic like no other and is like “Brenthor told me that that you had the old guard captain executed over something. D8” And Lysand’s like “>_> Brenthor says a lot of things.” And Banez is like “Yeah, but I’m worried. 3= ” So Lysand gives this big run-down about politics being complicated and he’s like “Don’t do anything against me after I tell you this.” And Banez is like “Now I’m REALLY worried, but shoot.” So Lysand explains that he and Brenthor had found out that another advisor had hired an assassin to kill the head advisor, so they plotted to bring him down, but the next likely candidate for head advisor was a total slimeball, so Lysand forged evidence that the next candidate was an accomplice in the assassin ring. AND FOR BEING A GOOD FERRET, THAT’S HOW LYSAND BECAME THE HEAD ADVISOR~! And Banez is like “… So the old captain found out?” And Lysand’s like “Yeah, and shit hit the fan. And like, the old captain was bffs with Brenthor, so instead of just discrediting him, I planted enough evidence to have him executed. And he’s all religious, so before he went to the block he said I was damned—I’M A TERRIBLE PERSON. I’M A MURDERER.” And Banez is like “Wait, I’m religious, I’m a guard captain, and I’m bffs with Lysand… DEAR LORD, WHAT IF BRENTHOR TRIES TO DO THE SAME TO ME?” But then Banez gets all sappy and he’s like “God and I will forgive you if you’re sorry!” And he hugs Lysand. It’s that manly hug from before. Yeah. And Lysand is like “;_; I’m too scared to confess.” And Banez is like “Nuuu, you have to confess when you’re better!” But Lysand’s like “What if I get arrested? Have you ever done something horrible you wanted to take back?” And Banez is like “Bitches won’t arrest you! I’m the mothereffin’ guard captain!” before getting all depressed that sometimes war isn’t as righteous as it seems, what with the killing people and the mental trauma. But Lysand’s like “Stop being emo; you’re protecting people.” And Banez is like “I guess…” And Lysand finally stops crying and he’s like “You need to teach me how to cut bitches more.” And Banez is like “Yeah! After confessing.” And Lysand is like “Oh yeah, I still owe you liquor.” And Banez is like “We’ll get all that done before I go to kill vampires.” And Lysand’s like “Wut—Oh right. Crap, I’m going to be with an unsupervised Brenthor.” (OH GOD!) And Banez is like “I’ll leave you with a trusted guard.” So Lysand is like “Have you thought about your guards whoring themselves to Brenthor?” And Banez is like “Dear God! As though we can weed out the ranks…” And Lysand is like “I guess you’re right.” And Banez is like “…Unless we remove their payroll/kill Brenthor.” And Lysand is like “Wut.” And Banez is like “…Nothing. I feel gross for suggesting that. ;_;” And Lysand is like “No, I can’t kill anymore. ;_;” And Banez is rubbing his hand (Mmm, yeah, you rub his hand. ;] ) and he’s like “I know. We’ll just wait until Brenthor has an inevitable heart attack.” And Lysand does his best to hold back a LOL, and he’s like “How long until I get better?” And Banez is like “I dunno, a week? I’ll bring your work to you.” And Lysand is like “…Prince Lorin scoured my room. I think Brenthor’s tricking him or something.” And Banez is like “Oh God, I should have be concerned about Lorin stumbling drunkenly into Brenthor’s room! I’ll go bribe Lorin with cake and candy to make him like me more!” And Lysand’s like “UGH, I CAN’T BELIEVE HE TRUSTS BRENTHOR!” (ME EITHER. SOMEONE PROTECT LORIN WITH A SHIELD OF CAKE BEFORE SOMEONE RAPES HIM IN THE BACKALLEY.) And Banez is like “We’ll find a solid trail going back to Brenthor eventually… I’m going to go actually unload my horse now.” So Banez leaves.
MEANWHILE, Brenthor is like “I’m going to take credit for all of Banez’ work with the wereanimals!” And Lorin’s like “I believe you!” And Brenthor’s like “Did Lysand say anything about who did it? >_>” And Lorin’s like “…He mentioned you. <_< …IT’S ALL MY FAULT. WAHHHHH!” But Brenthor’s like “But he was hallucinating, so whatever!” And so Lorin’s like “I… believe you, I guess.” And Brenthor’s like “It’s so convenient, huh? >3” And Lorin’s like “…Wut.” And Brenthor’s like “You know… how an assassin was waiting for him just outside the castle right when he goes to take a walk.” And Lorin’s like “…Wut.” And Brenthor’s like “I see that you’re not completely stupid, so uhh… one of the minor advisors must have done it!” So Lorin’s like “Oh, I see! You’re always looking out for everyone, Brenthor! Who is it?” (*tears hair out* SERIOUSLY?! AUGGGGHHH!!) And Brenthor’s like “Uhhh… Leingard. Sure, that guy. But I’ll find the traitor. >>” And Lorin’s like “Oh, okay! And I looked through Lysand’s room and didn’t find anything…” And Brenthor’s like “Uhh… you won’t find anything in his room. He’d hide it somewhere! Don’t worry, I’ll find it!” And so Lorin’s like “(That box is still sketch >> Better ask Lysand, instead.) Okie. I’m going to bed now. AND MAYBE SLEEP SOME SENSE INTO ME. (I hate being called ‘your highness’ ><) ” So Brenthor’s like “Should I creep and watch Lysand and Banez? Nah, I guess I’ll leave.” But not before dropping some major ominous foreshadowing.

Night Shadows
So Brenthor bribes a guard at an ungodly hour of night to get into the infirmary, and he sneaks up on Lysand’s bed (OH GOD) and he’s like “BITCH, BANEZ HIRED THE ASSASSIN TO KILL YOU AND IS FRAMING ME! HE HAS ALL THE GUARDS UNDER HIS THUMB; IT ALL MAKES SENSE!” (EXCUSE ME? WHAT? …WHATTT? EXCUSE ME?) And Lysand’s like “WUT? NO! WHORE!” And Brenthor’s like “LOLOLOL, YOU’RE DUMB FOR TRUSTING PEOPLE. NO ONE’S YOUR FRIEND,” and leaves. (WTF JUST HAPPENED?)

Two Days Out There
So Prince Lorin is outside AGAIN (granted, nothing bad seemed to happen last time… let’s remember our STATUS QUO PROBLEM.) and he’s like “I’m tired, I’m just going to sit down and rest my head on the wall.” And Fabala (a minstrel acrobat chick) is singing a song in the town square, and then Travis comes over and he’s like “Attempt to Score #2.” Meanwhile, Lorin almost falls asleep, but he listens to the song, and then he gets even MORE mopey than usual, and he goes over and drops a gold coin into Fabala’s satchel and leaves. So Fabala is like “Okay yeah sure whatever Travis” (Her dad taught her how to play the mandolin, btw) “OMG A GOLD COIN, COME BACK, MYSTERIOUS RICH STRANGER!” And she runs off after Lorin and she’s like “I’M AN ACROBAT!” And Travis is like “WAIT, I HAVE MONEY, TOO!” and so he chases after them. And Fabala puts her arm on Lorin’s shoulder and he’s like “JESUS TAP-DANCING CHRIST—Oh, it’s you.” And she’s like “I wanted to thank you!” And Lorin’s like “It’s nothing…” And Travis is like “Hey, haven’t I seen you before?” And Lorin’s like “Oh riiiight! (I forgot to tip you…)” And Fabala’s like “NO! A gold coin is too much! I can’t accept it!” And Lorin’s like “Srsly, take the coin. Who wrote the song?” And Travis is like “OH, YOU’RE SO AMAZING, YOU’RE SUCH AN EXCELLENT ARTIST AND A CARING PERSON, YOU’RE SO FABULOUS AND GREAT” (“sleep w/ me, plz” *sputters* What, no, Travis?) And Travis is like “So how are you doing, redheaded stranger?” and he hands Fabala more coins, and Lorin’s like “I’m goooood. What do you know about the two people talking to me last time?” And Fabala’s like “Eeee, I have a shiny coin, plus more coins! And my father who died wrote the song. ;_;” And Travis is like “You should totally be careful of Draven Hunter, and he carries blades under his cloak and stuff. I’d avoid him. Totally.” And Lorin’s like “O: Who is he? Is Malcom in on whatever he does (‘cause he’s a robber, right)?” And Travis is like “Nahhh, Malcom’s too much of a pansy. But Draven’s related to this guy named Marrus, and he’s a totally heinous guy." And Fabala decides it’s a good time to sing another song about smiling even though you feel like crap, and then Lorin gets all emo and depressed and is like “;_;” so Fabala’s like “D8 I didn’t mean to make you sad!” And Travis is like “Btw, have either of you heard of dangerous men?” And Lorin’s still emo but he’s like “..Maybe. Oh, right, introducing ourselves…” and says his name is Tier again, and they’re all like “Oh right, introducing ourselves.” And Fabala’s like “I totally feel your emo pain!” And Travis is like “(I totally feel these two right now) What’s that ‘maybe’?” And Lorin wallows in his self-pity some more and he’s like “…High advisor trying to murder the royal family?” And Fabala’s like “Say WHAAAAAT?” And Travis is like “ZOMG I NEED TO GET INTO THE CASTLE. …So how do you know this?” And Lorin’s like “UHHH… Castle servants! Yeah, that.” And Fabala was thinking about leaving for Issilt, but because Lorin is so pathetic she decides to stay in Cados longer. And Travis is like “Oh I see what’s going on here. ;]” And Lorin’s like “…We could meet in the Dragon’s Keep?” And Fabala’s like “I’ll protect you if they try to grope you. ;]” And Travis is like “Well, I’m going to go beat up someone so I can get into the castle I mean, I have places to go! Byyyeee!” So Lorin’s like “=( I should go.” And Fabala’s like “Wut, hell no, I have you to myself now! I don’t mind if you stay. =)” And Lorin’s like “Sooo….” And Fabala’s like “Yeahhh.” And Lorin’s like “(OHGODWHATDOISAY, ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS EMO THINGS AND VAMPIRES. UHH UHHHH) I LIKE STRAWBERRY PIE.” And Fabala’s like “Ooookayyyy then… Blueberry? TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DYING FATHER.” And Lorin’s like “(OH GOD SHE MUST THINK I’M A DORK!) HE’S TOTALLY AWESOME AND THIS IS DEPRESSING. D’=>” And Fabala’s like “MY DAD WAS SO AWESOME. HE PLAYED AND GAVE ME MY MANDOLIN.” And Lorin’s like “I NEED TO GO BEFORE I CRY AND SMEAR MY MASCARA.”
So we can assume he left.

Care for My Assistance?
So Travis shows up at the castle gates with some wanted thief named Terri (just roll with it), and Banez comes over and he’s like “LALALALA OHMIGOSH SOMEONE CAUGHT TERRI.” And Travis is like “Yeah, I rock and deserve a reward.” And Banez is like “TO THE BARRACKS TO GET YOUR REWARD!” So they introduce themselves and Banez is like “How’d you catch him?” And Travis is like “Pure luck basically. Hey, there are a lot of guards here for guarding a castle.” And then Brenthor sneaks up behind them and is all “How do you know how many guards guard a castle?” (if a guard could guard a castle?) “And Banez, wtf is this stranger doing here? It’s AWFULLY suspicious of you.” And Banez is like “ T_T Wth, I’m rewarding someone that caught a thief.” And Travis is like “…Brenthor’s fat. And hiding something.” (I’M SO PROUD OF YOU!) And Brenthor’s like “Yeah, citizens have to catch thieves because YOU AND YOUR GUARDS SUCK. And you can suck it too, Travis.” And Banez is like “*SCRIBBLE* YEAH, WELL I CAN DO YOUR JOB, FAT, SO NUHHH,” before he tells Travis that it was the near-assassination on Hangman’s Street that caused the higher security. And Brenthor’s like “THAT WAS JUST LUCKY, BITCH.” So Travis is like “Who was the target?” And Brenthor’s like “You don’t get to know that. >C” And Banez is like “Advisor Lysand. UNDERMINE’D!” And Travis is like “Does he have enemies?” And Brenthor’s like “BANEZ, YOU SUCK. And Lysand has enemies bugged up the ass.” And Banez is like “ T_T Here’s a hint: START WITH BRENTHOR.” And Travis is like “Okay, you two need to stop acting like children. >| Can I meet with Lysand?” And Brenthor’s like “What-everrrr, you suck.” And Banez is like “>8C BRENTHOR CAN EAT A DICK. Whyyy do you want to meet with Lysand?” And Travis is like “WANT TO TALK TO LYSAND SO I CAN GET ANSWERS, WHAT ABOUT THIS IS SO HARD? YOU PEOPLE DICKING AROUND AND ARGUING IS AFFECTING THE KINGDOM, YOU KNOW.” And Brenthor’s like “WHATEVER, see you later, losers!” and leaves. And Banez is like “FAT, STOP BEING FAT. And kay, you can see Lysand.” So they get Travis’ reward, and he’s like “Wtf is up with Brenthor, anyway?” And Banez is like “He and Lysand were bffs but shit hit the fan and now they aren’t.” And Brenthor’s totally jealous of Banez. And Travis is like “Bffs becoming enemies makes me =( . Let’s go to Lysand now.” So they go to the infirmary, where Lysand is writing something, and Lysand’s like “WHO THE—Oh, it’s Banez. Plus strange stranger…” And Banez is like “This is Travis, and he’ll be taking your story this evening. =D I’m going to melt into the background now…” And Travis is like “RESPONSIBILITY AND JUSTICE AND PEACE AND SHIT!” And Lysand’s like “I see” and says that it won’t do any good since Avi (/Porter) is long gone by now and he doesn’t know who sent the assassin. So Travis is like “Doesn’t matter, I am a chasing BEAST.” To answer the question of who would benefit most if Lysand kicked the bucket, Lysand says the next advisor Leingard would, or Brenthor because Lorin is weird. And Travis is like “What did she look like? How tall was she? What was she wearing? What was her fighting style? What weapons did she use? What was her cup size?” And Lysand answers to the best of his abilities and is like “She slashed my ankles and jumped around for no reason.” So Travis is like “IT SEEMS SHE IS QUITE AGILE AND SKILLED… I will capture this assassin!” And Lysand’s like “I’m going to go to bed now.” And Banez (you remember him, right?) comes out from the background and he’s like “Should probably wrap things up now…” And Travis is like “Okie dokie.” So they walk out and Banez is like “Did you get enough information?” And… well, we can only assume ‘yes’.

Peak of Glory
Back to vampire mountain after the meeting (you remember that, right?): Valmar is on the peak of the mountain waiting for Draven and he’s looking out over the world and he’s like “This is where I’ll put my throne. Riiiight here.” So Draven comes over and he’s like “Uhh… couldn’t we have just talked in the cavern?” And Ashemir goes and sneaks up to eavesdrop on them. And to answer Draven’s question, Valmar is like “Look at the view, everything we see will be our kingdom.” (“But what about that shadowy area?”) “But I’m making you the leader of a special task force that’s stealthy and lethal and sexy.” And Draven’s like “>C I don’t care about the world. Wait, lead position? Big monies?” And Ashemir’s like “(Blah blah blah… talk about something scandalous.)” And Valmar is like “Yes, big monies. (Why do I have the feeling we’re being watched?)” And Draven’s like “(Why do I have the feeling we’re being watched?) Yes, I like the big monies, I accept. Do you feel like we’re being watched?” And Ashemir’s like “(NO YOU DON’T, JUST US RABBITS AND BIRDS.)” And Valmar’s like “…ASHEMIR, I CAN SMELL YOU.” And Draven’s like “(WTH, ASHEMIR?)” And Ashemir’s like “…. (FLEE!!!!)” And Valmar’s like “ >| Draven, I’ll give you monies if you bring Ashemir to me.” And Draven’s like “ YES SIR.” So Draven chases Ashemir, who jukies him and hits him in the face with a pulled back branch, and Draven’s like “AUGH, MY FACE.” And Ashemir’s like “Heheh, jackass.” But Draven grabs Ashemir by the hair, and Ashemir tries to gouge out his eyes, and then Draven straddles Ashemir against the ground, and that’s pretty much the end of it. And Draven’s like “D< DON’T THINK ABOUT ESCAPING.” And Ashemir’s like “D< FINE. *thinks about escaping*” Then after a while Draven realizes he’s straddling Ashemir and is like “Uhh… >>; ” And Ashemir’s like “>C Never pull my hair again.” So Draven is like “lol, maybe if I cut it, it won’t hinder you. >=D” And Ashemir’s like “FFFFFFUCK YOU, DON’T TOUCH MY HAIR.” And Draven’s like “Yeah, I like your hair too much anyway. BUT DON’T FUCK WITH ME, BITCH. And Valmar wants you and he’s paying, soo…” And Ashemir’s like “(Really don’t want to face Valmar after seeming really sketch by running… >>) Will you take sex for payment?” And Draven’s like “Wait, wut. Take WHAT to let you go?” And Ashemir’s like “A kiss on the face. (NOT THE DICK.)” And Draven’s like “OH. LOL, you’re gonna’ have to up the ante, baby. ; D Tick tock, Valmar’s coming~” And Ashemir’s like “>8C DON’T DOUBT MY KISSES. Wtf do you want?” And Draven’s like “The ‘f’. w/ u. >D” And Ashemir’s like “FUCK YOU, I’LL JUST DEAL WITH VALMAR.” So Draven’s like “lol chuu~” and kisses Ashemir on the forehead and gets off him and he’s like “You don’t owe me anything, you can go.” And Ashemir’s like “(THIS IS A TRICK ISN’T IT?)” but seeing that it isn’t, Ashemir high-tails it the fuck outta’ there. So Valmar shows up and he’s like “WHERE’S ASHEMIR? >C” And Draven’s like “>> Got away.” And Valmar’s like, “DDDD< Well I’m going to catch him and rape him. And I’m docking your pay, and if you fail me again, I’m going to rape kill everything you love, and then rape kill you.” And Draven’s like “…I’m just going to… walk away now.”

Gold and Black
So Ashemir’s getting the hell away from the mountain, and GUESS WHO HE RUNS INTO? Well, it’s Draven, and he’s like “lol, hai.” And Ashemir’s like “>8C YOU. I have something for you…” And Draven’s like “DON’T HURT ME, WHAT DID I DO WRONG TO YOU?” And then Ashemir grabs him and makes out with him, and Draven’s like “(Oh, awesome.)” and then Ashemir lets go and smacks him and he’s like “DON’T THREATEN MY HAIR, YOU ASS. Btw, I’m going to Seriah’s, shouldn’t you be with Valmar going to Yina?” And Draven’s like “@_@ (what just happened?) I’m going to Cados. Eff Valmar, he docked my pay, and he’s looking for you.” And Ashemir’s like “Okay, yeah, let’s go.” So Draven follows and he’s like “lol, stop hitting me in the face with stuff. (It hurts.)” And Ashemir’s like “>8C Learn to dodge.” And Draven thinks it’s funny to ruffle Ashemir’s hair, and he’s like “lol, I wouldn’t cut your hair anyway, cuz you’re hot.” But Ashemir’s like “AKGHASHASLDF DON’T TOUCH MY HAIR. >8CCC ” And Draven’s like “DUDE, it’s only HAIR. What’s the big deal?” And Ashemir spews a little story about his sire loving his hair and how he keeps it long because she’d always want him to, before thinking about a vat of other reasons, but not saying them. And Draven’s like “Yeah, I get that.” So Ashemir’s like “Yep.” And Draven’s like “Yep” and he takes out a gold necklace with emeralds that has two rings on either side of a pendant of a tree, but Ashemir doesn’t notice because he’s moping. Plus he’s thinking about the dress he salvaged off the dead body of his sire (um, gross.) and how he was only able to save the black ribbons from it. And Ashemir’s like “…How old are you again?” And Draven’s like “759. …(lol, straddling)” And Ashemir’s like “!! >8C WTF ARE YOU SMIRKING ABOUT.” And Draven’s like “lol, you get so pissed. I’m just thinking. You’re such a girl.” And Ashemir’s like “(WTF WAS THAT?) YOU’RE STUPID. FINE, I’M A GIRL. WHATEVER.” And Draven’s like “lol, you’re adorable when you’re angry~ And I’m right about you.” And Ashemir’s like “Wait, wut. >8C” And Draven’s like “That you like me under that angry exterior!” And Ashemir’s like “WTF IS THAT? ARE YOU RETARDED?” So Draven’s like “Well why haven’t you told me to go away yet?” And Ashemir’s like “Why do you need ME to tell you to go away? You must think sex with me would be THAT great.” And Draven finally starts to get frustrated and he’s like “Do you want me to go? Because yeah, I do.” And Ashemir’s like “… (I feel bad now…) Well, you think I’m cute when I’m angry, and I can’t just yell at trees.” So Draven’s like “Fair enough” and keeps walking in silence. So Ashemir’s like “…Find anything on your brother?” And Draven’s like “Nothing. And you told me to go to the stupid meeting… lol” And Ashemir immediately gets pissed off again and he’s like “If no one’s willing to talk to you, then you’re not really the loved brother.” And Draven’s like “wtf was that? When I kill Marrus, I’m disappearing. No more me.” And Ashemir’s like “Yeah, I tried to do the same thing and here I am…” And Draven’s like “No, I’m going to totally hide away, until I kill myself or something. Sticking around is pointless.” And Ashemir’s like “…I’m not going to be able to stick around for just poetry for very much longer…” And Draven’s like “(lol, I’m going to piss Ashemir off some more.) What if I said I’d stick around to see someone often? ;]” And Ashemir’s like “(I SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOIN THAR. >8C) I’d be like ‘What could that be?’” And Draven’s like “omg, you’re dumb, lol.” And Ashemir’s like “(omg… -_- ) Draven, if I have sex with you, will you stop being so annoying?” And then Draven gets REALLY pissed off and he’s like “WHY THE HELL AM I STILL HERE? YOU’RE ALWAYS PISSED OFF FOR NO FUCKING REASON. GOD, YOU PISS ME OFF.” And Ashemir’s like “OMG, YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT. YOU’RE SO JUVENILE. YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH I WANNA-” and pins him to a tree and starts making out with him again. And then we all learn that the secret to making Ashemir horny is to make him really really annoyed and pissed off. Cue some major AshemirxDraven fanservice, until Ashemir gets annoyed with Draven not doing anything and is like “COME ON, BE ANGRY WITH ME.” And then Draven gets genuinely upset and he’s like “FUCKING… GIRL. I’M OUTTA HERE. >8C” And Ashemir’s like “(…I feel bad again…) You could be rougher…”
Cue ROUGH AshemirxDraven fanservice. Draven gives Ashemir a major hickey in the process, and Ashemir finds out that the way to dominate Draven is to pull his hair.
And then Scipio shows up drunk and he’s like “D8” And Ashemir’s like “…. o//o ” And Draven’s like “WHO DARES DISTURB ME WHILE I’M TRYING TO SEX ASHEMIR UP?” and jumps Scipio and beats the ever living shit out of the poor bastard. And Scipio’s like “OMG, GET OFF! GET HIM FUCKING OFF ME!” And Ashemir’s like “(I HOPE DRAVEN KILLS HIM.) FUCK YOU.” And then… Draven gets a little scary. At Scipio he’s like “GTFO” and then he goes to Ashemir and makes out with him hard and then he punches a tree, and he’s like “>8CCCCC” And Scipio’s like “You two should be ashamed of yourselves!” (OH YOU’RE ONE TO TALK, BUDDY.) “I hope whatever’s in the mountain gets you!” (Valmar: Mmmyes?) So Scipio runs like hell, and Ashemir is a little scared of Draven now, so he’s like “I’m just… going to go…” And Draven’s like “Yeah, sure, whatever, see you. >8CCCCC” And he leaves, and Ashemir leaves, and Ashemir convinces himself that he has no deep connection to Draven and just ends up feeling bad about the whole thing. (WAY TO BE A DOWNER, ASHEMIR.)


Fangs and Claws
So in Naulus’ forests, Harrier is all wolfy and he’s like “GWAA, THERE ARE BEARS.” And Kahjit (the werewolf captain) is like “I’m here to kill some bears.” And Indigo and Tuari (werewolf twins) are like “OMG WE SMELL BEARS, LET’S GO.” And Harrier’s like “YOU GUYS. We’re gonna’ kill some bitch ass bears!” And Kahjit turns into a wolf and he’s like “How many?” And Indigo’s like “YEAH, how many?” And Tuari’s like “Maybe they’ll leave peacefully.” (Yeah, fat chance.) So Harrier’s like “Three bears. I don’t want any cubs wandering like idiots into bears. That would suck.” So Kahjit’s like “Let’s go!” And then Baba (werewolf advisor Morgan Freeman) comes and he’s like “You’re sure you can take THREE bears with like… four wolves. =/” And then… Indigo and Tuari act like they’re 12. I’m confused. Anyway, they take off without everyone else like idiots, and Harrier’s like “D8< God dammit” and runs after them. And Kahjit’s like “>=/ Damn kids, maybe getting beaten up by a bear will teach them not to be stupid.” And Baba’s like “(I could advise Harrier to do a few things, but I’m not going to.)” AND I SWEAR TO GOD, INDIGO AND TUARI ARE 12. SHOULD I BE CONCERNED THAT THEY HAD BEEN DROPPED AS KIDS? Anyway, Tuari gets TAKEN like a bear like an idiot, and Harrier’s like “GOD DAMMIT. Baba check on Tuari, everyone else EAT THIS BEAR. RAWRG.” And he jumps for the bear’s neck, Kahjit goes to tear apart its paw, and Indigo goes to bite its butt. So Baba goes and finds Tuari and bandages a little herb on him to keep from bleeding to death for being an idiot. The bear flails Harrier into a tree, and Tuari’s like “;_;” And Indigo’s like “Hey alpha that’s stronger than me is almost every aspect, are you okay?” And Harrier’s like “T_T Yes. Kahjit, tactics plz.” And Kahjit’s like “HERD IT LIKE A SHEEP.” And Baba is like “Tuari, don’t charge at the bear like an idiot. But you’re an idiot, so you’re going to do it anyway…” And Tuari’s like “*DRAMATIC POINT* ANOTHER BEAR!” And then Harrier decides he’s not going to take the bear’s shit anymore and turns into a human to CLAYMORE that thing’s ass to death. And Kahjit dodges the second bear’s swipe and is like “SEXY MOMENTUM MOVE!” and flips it onto its back, and then Indigo jumps for its throat.
We can just assume that they killed those mothingfuckin’ bears.

[Ashemir Draemis]

Blood and Water
So Vieko is shirtless in Feryn at the waterfall, looking for the werecats and demonstrating his capacity for crazy again by freaking out about the blood necklaces and thinking about throwing them into the water. And then Aria comes as a tiger and she’s like “LALALALALA~ OH HAI. Where you from?” And Vieko’s like “OMG A TIGER—Oh, it’s a werecat. I’m from Cados. You come here often?” And Chey comes and she’s like “OH HAI ARIA~ (Who the crap is this guy?)” And Aria’s like “HAIIII CHEY. And what’s YOUR name, mysterious stranger?” And Vieko’s like “ I’m Remir!” And Chey’s like “How unprofessional of me to not know the name of every single werecat in the country!” So Chey and Aria plan to be gone wrangling werecats for only a week, and Aria’s like “You planning to stay here, Remir?” And Vieko’s like “ZOMG, YOU’RE THE CHIEFTESS. D8 And yes, yes I am. …Whyyy are you traveling out?” So Chey explains the whole search plan in Tiaelde with the humans and the werewolves, so they’re getting other werecats to help them, because there’s like a grand total of like 3-4 PC werecats. So Aria asks the most effed up trip-up question to Vieko, which is “What’s your feline form?” So Vieko’s like “>_> A lion. BUT IT’S UGLYYYYY. ;_; I’m not much of a fighter anyway.” So he also glances away while doing this, so Aria FREAKS THE FUCK OUT. And Chey’s like “It can’t be THAT bad. Show us!” And Vieko’s like “(FFFFFFFF—IT’S FAT, TOO, LEAVE ME ALONE.) NO. PEOPLE MADE FUN OF ME AS A CHILD. ;_;” And Chey’s like “I’M SUSPICIOUS AND ALSO STILL INSENSITIVE TO YOUR PLIGHT.” And Aria’s like “OMG I DON’T TRUST HIM. OH RIGHT, THERE’S A REASON I ASKED THAT. So like, the wereanimals and humans are going to beat up the vampires.” So Vieko’s like “I’M SAD AND OVERWHELMED. LOL IDEA: What information do you have on the vampires? ;]” And Chey’s like “Not much.” And Aria’s like “Can you join us?” And Vieko’s like “Ttly! Even though you don’t seem to like me. ;_;” And Aria’s like “Because we don’t know you-- OMG, HE DOESN’T KNOW ABOUT WERECATS.” And Vieko’s like “DUMBASS BITCH, IT’S A COMMON SENSE THING NOT A CULTURAL THING.” So Chey’s like “So that’s a yes?” And Vieko’s like “YES!” And Aria’s like “TTYL guys” and leaves. So Chey’s like “Hey, Remir(/Vieko), wanna be our spy?” And Vieko’s like “DO I? ” So Chey just gives Vieko the vampire necklace and she’s like “Here you go! Unless you don’t want to be our spy…” (You tease!) And Vieko’s like “ASFHLK;, YES I WANT TO BE YOUR SPY! D8” And Chey’s like “ Here’s the werewolf necklace!” And Vieko’s like “(STOP YANKING ME BY THE CHAIN, WOMAN, AND GIVE ME ALL OF THEM ALREADY!) Diplomacy skill check!”
We can basically assume that Vieko is now the spy for humans, werewolves, and werecats now. Da-yum.

Painful Art
So in Feryn Glade, Seleane makes a thread because she knows that ninja wouldn’t have Seriah kidnap and victimize Tadala unless she becomes more damn active on this forum. ANYWAY, Tadala’s wounds are still in the middle of healing from when they fought Ivan in the Dragon’s Keep, but she’s practicing fighting the air with her daggers. Then suddenly and without remorse, her wounds reopen BECAUSE NO ONE SAW THAT ONE COMING. WOUNDS REOPEN WHEN YOU’RE ROUGH ON YOUR BODY AS YOU’RE HEALING? I NEVER KNEW! So Lumi (werecat w/ a vampire in her coffin) comes with her coffin, and she’s like “? You okay?” Except then Seleane won’t post for a day until I tell her it’s her turn, and then Tadala’s just like “Yeah. What’s the coffin for?” (ARE YOU EVEN TRYING? AUUUGH.) And Lumi’s like “Are you retarded? Shouldn’t you know as the healer that you’re supposed to rest when, you know… YOU’RE INJURED? LOLOLOL, BTW, the coffin’s for you. ”

Penance
So fast-forward the castle’s timeline, because it’s been a week and Lysand is out of the infirmary, waiting for Banez to go to the church with him in order to confess. Banez comes out armorless and swordless, thinking that a church isn’t the place for those things, and he’s like “You okay? D8 You don’t feel pain moving?” And Lysand’s buying into Brenthor’s accusation and he’s like “(Oh thank God Banez doesn’t have a sword!) YEAH, I’M FINE. Let’s go.” And Banez is like “Tell me if you want to sit. =( Because I care about you.” So they’re walking, and Lysand’s like “So you and Brenthor survived your trip to Naulus” while Banez is thinking about nectarines and how nectarines in Angel Haven are pink and heart-shaped, and Banez is like “OMG, BRENTHOR IS FAT.” And Lysand’s like “(YOU’RE PLOTTING AGAINST ME, I KNOW IT.)” (Can you even IMAGINE Banez hunched in a dark corner tapping his fingers together? I can’t.) And Lysand’s like “Was there a time you or he was alone?” And Banez is like “Well, there was outside the Loyal Stallion where I ran into a chick that looked an AWFUL LOT like the chick that tried to assassinate you… and then, OMG, IN THE FOREST LYSAND, I SAW AN ANGEL, AND I CHASED IT AND FOUND THE WEREANIMAL LEADERS. And then I did Brenthor’s job for him. Then I found him later, all pissed off, but WHAT ELSE IS NEW?” And Lysand’s like “(WUT R U MOCKING ME? OMG, DON’T STEP CLOSER TO ME, YOU FIEND.) Wait, wut, you negotiated with the were- leaders?” And Banez is like “(Why were you repelled by me? ;_;) Yes~ I did, and Brenthor can suck it!” And Lysand’s like “… Maybe you should have Brenthor’s job instead.” And Banez is like “^_^ THAT’S WHAT I SAID!” So Lysand starts freaking out more about Banez being evil (WUT, SERIOUSLY? GOOD LORD.) and they get to the church and he’s like “I hope penance is relieving. I need relief.” And Banez is like “I can relieve you (with my body).” So they go inside, and Lysand talks to the priest to open the confessional. So Banez is like “You first (before you try to run away.)” So Lysand goes in and confesses all the lies and murders he set up over the years, and confesses that in the future, he’s going to betray a friend. (WAIT, WUT.) So while Lysand’s doing that, Banez goes on a praying tirade for his family, the knight he squired (Osmond), Lysand, Lorin, and even Brenthor. So then Lysand comes out and goes on his own praying tirade about his problems, the kingdom, and Banez, and if Banez dies he should get to go to Angel Haven. He also seems to be fully convinced that Banez tried to have him assassinated. (ARE YOU THAT THICK?) So Banez is in the confession box and he unloads everything, and then he drops the bomb and confesses that he had thought about committing suicide when he was younger (Tap-dancing Christ, Banez, you’re supposed to be the happy one here!). So Banez comes out to meet up with Lysand now that they’re both pure and shiny, and he’s like “Want to go now?” And Lysand’s like “Sure, I have booze.” And Banez is like “Hey there, best friend! Plus you still owe me for traveling with Brenthor.” And Lysand’s like “It’s in my chambers. TO MY CHAMBERS. TO GET WASTED. RIGHT AFTER WE CONFESSED.” And Banez is like “THAT’S THE WAY TO DO IT! ”

After Confession
So Lysand and Banez are back in the castle and Lysand is like “Okay, I’m going to pump Banez full of alcohol and then he’ll admit that he tried to have me assassinated….” ( =_= ) And Banez is like “Whee, we’re in Lysand’s room!” And Lysand pours out their shots of bourbon, and so while they’re slurping down God knows how many of those things, Banez is like “You’re acting flinch-y from me. 3=” And Lysand is like “Well I don’t even know WHO is trying to kill me. >> (YOU.)” And Banez is like “BRENTHOR.” And Lysand is like “But no assassin is THAT incompetent.” (THIS ONE IS.) And Banez is like “BRENTHOR. Who else do you think it might be?” And Lysand is like “(YOU.) I dunnoooo. What do YOU think?” And Banez is like “BRENTHOR.” And Lysand’s like “Your guards are loyal to you, riiiight?” And Banez is like “Yeah. Whyyyy?” And Lysand is like “>_> One of them let Brenthor into the infirmary.” And Banez is like “OMG IF BRENTHOR HURT YOU…” And Lysand’s like “No, he just told me who hired the assassin… (YOU.)” And Banez is like “What’d he say?” And Lysand’s like “THAT IT WAS YOU.” And Banez is like “!! ;_; Why would I try to kill you??” And Lysand’s like “Strange reasons! And I have deep friend issues!” And Banez is like “I’m not trying to kill you. Without you I’d be alone. ;_;” And Lysand’s like “Banez, I love trust you, but what if you ARE evil and scheming in the dark corner?” And Banez is like “How can I prove to you that I’m not? ;_;” Then Lysand is like “I’M FREAKING OUT, MAN. JUST MAKE IT ALL STOP.” And Banez grabs Lysand and he’s like “SPEAK SOME SENSE, MAN.” And Lysand’s like “;_; I’M SORRY.” And he hugs Banez, and Banez is like “Feeling better?” And Lysand’s like “BRENTHOR’S GOING TO FRAME YOU. WITHOUT YOU, WHO DO I LOVE HAVE?” And Banez is like “I’ll have my guards watch him!” And Lysand’s like “OMG BRENTHOR’S PLANS, AND NOW YOU’RE IN DANGER.” And Banez is like “What’d you do for the last captain?” And basically Lysand forged evidence to make it look like the captain was stealing from the treasury and he’s like “DON’T GO ANYWHERE BRENTHOR TELLS YOU TO GO.” And Banez is like “(I wanna blackmail the sonofabitch) I’ll be careful then.” And Lysand’s like “I’ll fix this and then we’ll be free to love each other.” And Banez is like “Just tell me before you do anything. We need more booze.” And Lysand’s like “I’m gonna’ talk to him, one on one.” And Banez is like “Don’t be stupid and believe him if he accuses me again.” (SERIOUSLY.) Cue Lysand and Banez drunken time, and Lysand’s like “lol, Brenthor is fat.” And Banez is like “lol, Brenthor is a turtle!” And Lysand is like “lol, Brenthor is fat!” And Banez is like “LYSAND, NEVER GET FAT. AND NEVER LET ME GET FAT.” And Lysand’s like “lol, I’d like you fat!” And Banez is like “LOL—I DON’T HAVE TO BE FAT, I’D SQUISH YOU.” And Lysand’s like “NO, DON’T SQUISH ME.” And he hugs Banez, so Banez is like “Wait, wut. You never hug me.” And Lysand’s like “I can’t hug you in court, because other officials would get jealous of our love.” And Banez is like “I wanna take you with me to Angel Haven!” And Lysand’s like “(lol Brenthor is a turtle.) Yah, then we’d be happy.” And Banez is like “I’D BE A BETTER TURTLE THAN BRENTHOR, IF I WAS FAT. And we’ll find Angel Haven and not have to deal with him!” And Lysand’s like “And we can’t have sex with hug other people. Just us. You’re my star~” And Banez is like “Yeah. <3 Can we lay down now?” ( ;] ) And Lysand’s like “Yeah” so he goes and sits on Banez’ lap on the bed ( ;]]]-- CLOTHED). And Banez is like “If you were fat, I could hug you better.” And Lysand’s like “NO, then I wouldn’t fit in your glorious starlit arms.” And Banez is like “Nono, just fat enough to make sex hugging awesome.” And Lysand’s like “But I like us the way we are. ;_; And maybe tomorrow Brenthor will die of a heart attack. Night!” And Banez is like “Hmmm, yeah, we’re sexy. Night!” And then they go to sleep.

The Power Games: Part One
SO THE MORNING AFTER, LYSAND GOES TO TALK TO BRENTHOR WITHOUT TELLING BANEZ, THANKS A LOT LYSAND. And he makes it look like he’s all worn and tired, and Brenthor answers the door and he’s such a creep and he lets Lysand in. And Lysand’s like “I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST BANEZ, BUT I CAN’T. I’M GOING CRAZY. (lie)” And Brenthor’s all touching him and stroking his dagger and it’s like OMG LYSAND GTFO OF THERE. But Brenthor’s like “(BUT CAN I TRUST YOOUU?) Why come to meee?” And Lysand’s like “We can have a one-night stand alliance that will be pleasurable beneficial to us both.” And then Brenthor PINS LYSAND UP AGAINST HIS DOOR (FFFFFF--) and he’s like “I’M NOT FALLING FOR YOUR SEDUCTION LIES, LYSAND.” (“PROBABLY BECAUSE I KNOW ABOUT THEM OOC!”) And Lysand’s like “I WOULDN’T GET NEAR YOUR FAT FACE UNLESS I HAD TO, SO NEH.” And so Brenthor THROWS LYSAND ONTO THE FLOOR and puts a boot on him (*SQUIRMS* EHHHH!!!) and he’s like “LYSAND, I’M NOT AN IDIOT.” But Lysand is like “(FFF--) YES YOU ARE, BECAUSE WITH BANEZ OUT OF THE WAY, WE COULD TOTALLY CONTROL THE PRINCE.” And Brenthor’s like “Oh, that’s right, huh?” And Lysand starts acting all effing creepy and he’s like “Yeah! So we/I strike Banez. I wanna do it.” And Brenthor’s all creepy now too and he’s like “Mmmmyes!” And Lysand is like “Yes, I want Banez broken!” (Okay, you’ve made your point.) “I want his mind cracked like an egg on the floor!” (Kind of hammering it in now…) “His tears shall be our nectar!” (YEAH, YOU CAN STOP NOW.) And Brenthor’s like “Let’s destroy his career! I have two guards ready to commit perjury! >D” And Lysand’s like “PFFT, NO, PSYCHOLOGICAL PRISONS ARE COOLER.” And Brenthor gets excited so he’s like “Plan?” And Lysand’s like “LATER, IN A FEW DAYS IN THE DRAGON’S KEEP.” And Brenthor’s like “YES, YES.” So Lysand gets the hell out of there and he’s like “OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE I LIED LIKE THAT AND THAT HE BOUGHT IT, OMG.”

Unlikely Confidant
So later, Brenthor goes over to Lorin’s room, and Lorin’s reading about the cathedral when he hears Brenthor knocking, so he answers the door and Brenthor’s like “I WISH TO SPEAK OF IMPORTANT MATTERS. Lysand was in my chambers, you know. ;] ” And Lorin’s like “D8 What did he say?” And Brenthor’s like “HE’S TRYING TO GET YOU OUT OF THE WAY BY WORKING WITH ME.” And Lorin’s like “OMG WTF IS GOING ON?” And Brenthor’s like “BANEZ TRIED TO ASSASSINATE LYSAND TO PROTECT YOU!” And Lorin is like “ WHAT DO I DO?” And Brenthor’s like “TELL BANEZ TO ARREST LYSAND.” And Lorin’s like “OMG, I DON’T KNOW, OMG.” And he FREAKS OUT and SCREAMS. So Brenthor’s like “OMG, DON’T FREAK OUT.” And he tries to console Lorin, and he’s like “I’m just PRETENDING to be friends with Lysand, and Lysand is ready to lash out at Banez.” And Lorin FREAKS OUT some more and he’s like “EVERYONE’S DOING STUFF BEHIND MY BACK—AND YOUUU. WHAT ARE YOOOUUU DOING?” And Brenthor’s like “Calm down. Don’t break…” And Lorin’s like “I FEEL BAD FEELINGS. ;_;” And Brenthor’s like “*siiiigh* I’ll talk to you about your problems. (F*ckin’ teenager.)” So Lorin’s like “I FEEL GUILTY THAT TIER IS DEAD.” And Brenthor’s like “He was doing his job by dying. Yes yes, that wasn’t your fault, blaming yourself is useless, he’s in a better place, blah blah blah.” And Lorin’s like “I guess… (Whatever).” And Brenthor’s like “Fuck you, it IS your fault. Lorin, what do you see in the mirror?”
Pop the most FUCKING NUTCASE-SOUNDING ANSWER IN-POST. Lorin says he sees two people in the mirror, and one’s a badass and the other is mousey, and then he says he sees an undeserving coward that deserves to die. And Brenthor’s like “If you want to die, then die.” (Wait, dude, WHAT?) “But nobles are going to come out of the woodwork to fight over the throne if you do, since there are no other heirs. You’re going to leave us to that?” And Lorin’s like “Of course I know that. >c That’s like, the only reason I’m still alive, until I marry some chick and pop out some babies, then maybe I can kill myself.” And Brenthor’s like “If you don’t care THAT much, then go do it now. Omg, you’re so whiny and you take no initiative to fix your problems.” And Lorin’s like “NO, I promised Tier I wouldn’t kill myself. GO AWAY, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.” And Brenthor’s like “YOUR PROMISE IS STUPID, AND YOU’RE PSYCHOLOGICALLY KILLING YOURSELF. SEE YOU LATER. LOSER.” And Lorin’s like “GO AWAY.” So Brenthor leaves and decides to go run crying to Lysand about how Lorin’s going to ruin Thrunalhin. Meanwhile, Lorin looks at the mirror and has a total fucking nutcase breakdown in front of it, under the assumption that the reflection is Tier.

The Power Games: Interlude
So Brenthor is like “OMG LORIN SUCKS” and goes to pound on Lysand’s door, and Lysand’s like “OH GOD, THAT’S PROBABLY BANEZ BEING ANGRY THAT I CHEATED ON HIM WENT TO BRENTHROR’S ROOM WITHOUT SAYING.” But he opens the door and it’s Brenthor, and Brenthor comes in and he’s like “OMG, LORIN’S F*CKING CRAZY. I DON’T EVEN WANT YOUR JOB ANYMORE.” And Lysand’s like “Wait wut.” And Brenthor’s like “OMG, LORIN’S GONNA’ RUIN THRUNALHIN WITH HIS WHINY, USELESS ASS.” And Lysand’s like “lol, he’s just a teenager.” So Brenthor relays Lorin’s derkist seekrits about seeing the two people in the mirror and wanting to kill himself. So Lysand is like “…Maybe his dying father is causing him stress…. >_>” So Brenthor’s like “Okay Lysand, cut the crap. Our first alliance wasn’t genuine, so let’s make this one real.” So Lysand finally gets that Brenthor’s been tricking Lorin into distrusting him, but he’s like “Kay. So the prince hates us now? (And it’s all your fault.)” And Brenthor’s like “Yes, but you have Banez to manipulate. >D” And Lysand’s like “I’m not bringing Banez into this.” And Brenthor’s like “Between you or the prince, who would he choose? But just go and tell him to do little things.” And so Lysand’s like “I don’t know… but I’ll only use him to find out if Lorin is batshit or not.” And Brenthor’s like “You care a lot about your hot, sexy guard captain…” So Lysand is like “IT’S NOT PRACTICAL IS ALL. UHH, LET’S GET A DRINK.” And Brenthor is like “OMG, LORIN IS A BRAT.” And Lysand is like “Let’s just go to the Dragon’s Keep… (I don’t want to go places alone with you. >_>)” So they both leave together, and Brenthor’s like “LOL, I wonder what Banez will make of reports of Lysand and me going to places in private. >3”

On the Rocks
So a Brenthor and a Lysand walk into the Dragon’s Keep…. And then Lumi comes in with her coffin. And Malcom’s rocking out to himself until he hears the coffin and then he’s like “WTF IS THAT? MAY I TAKE YOUR HAT, MA’AM…?” And Fabala comes in and she’s like “OMG, CLOUDS ARE DEPRESSING, AND LORIN IS HAWT. OMG, A COFFIN.” And Travis is like “Wtf a coffin, I’m just going to hang by Fabala…” And Brenthor’s like “Omg, a coffin. Travis. =_=” And Lysand is like “OH GOD, SOME CRAZY CHICK WITH A COFFIN. BANEZ SAAAVEEE MEEEEE.” And Lumi’s like “lol, I want cherry wine. My friend wants cider. ” And Malcom’s like “Uhh, sure, brb. (OMG TRAVIS, YOU MANWHORE, WHY DO YOU NEVER WANT TO HOOK UP WITH ME?)” (SRSLY. ;_;) “Back, so uhh, who’s your friend?” And Lumi’s like “Lol, I’m going to throw his body into a volcano for the fire gods. NICE PLACE YOU HAVE. ” And Malcom’s like “(Oh God she’s crazy.) WHY THANK YOU~” Then suddenly and without remorse, the coffin jumps up and Lumi jams it down with her foot, and she’s like “nervous lol, what’s your name?” And Malcom’s like “(FFFFF—SOMETHING ALIVE IN THE COFFIN.) I’m Malcom.”
So NPC bartender gets everyone else their two ciders, pinot noir, and amontillado (took me THREE TRIES to type that right I’ll have you know). And Fabala is like “Oh hi Travis. What’s up? And hi Mr. Fat. :0” And Travis is like “I’m chasing an assassin now, it’s awesome. Omg, Brenthor.” And Fabala’s like “OMG, SO LYSAND REALLY WAS ALMOST ASSASSINATED? And Brenthor looks mean. You don’t have to pay for my--” And Travis is like “I’M GONNA PAY FOR YOUR DRINK BECAUSE I’M NICE AND STUFF. Oh, and Brenthor’s a bastard.” And Brenthor proves the point by being like “I’M NOT FRIENDS WITH A COMMONER. OH, and you’re talking about Lysand while he’s RIGHT HERE, LOL.” And Lysand is like “=_=”. And Fabala is like “D8 *failstamps self*.”
We can just assume that they finish introducing themselves, finish the fluff of their conversations, and then get on with their lives.

Artifice
So back at the castle, Lysand’s freaking out that Banez hates him forever for cheating on him hanging out with Brenthor, and he knocks on Banez’ door. And inside, Banez is depressed and ate a third of a chocolate cake, and he opens the door for Lysand and he’s like “;_;” And Lysand’s like “I need to talk to you.” And Banez is like “;_; Kay.” And Lysand’s like “I only PRETENDED to make an alliance with Brenthor. And he has guards set up to screw you on trial. And Banez is like “8C Generic conversation advancement.” And Lysand’s like “It’s okay, I’m holding off his plan to ruin you right now. (I’m sorry?)” And Banez is like “;_; Why didn’t you tell me?” And Lysand’s like “I needed to do something by myself!” And Banez is like “Kay…” And Lysand’s like “And btw, Lorin’s insane now.” And Banez is like “Wait wut.” So Lysand relays Lorin’s derkist seekrits and he’s like “Do we want someone suicidal running things?” And Banez is like “D8 Let me talk to him.” And Lysand’s like “It’s all up to you. Btw, Brenthor wants me to use you to control the prince.” And Banez is like “ASGHASDKL BRENTHOR CAN SUCK A DICK.” And Lysand’s like “What if the prince ignores me and ruins the kingdom? ;_;” And Banez is like “I’d imagine Lorin would die quietly. And I’ll talk to him.” And Lysand is like “Kay. …Why were you gorging yourself on cake?” And Banez is like “BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.” And… then things start getting gay. Lysand’s like “THEN YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I NEED YOU.” And Banez is like “?” And Lysand is like “I NEED YOU TO SURVIVE!” And Banez is like “I would give you everything. ;_;” And Lysand’s like “;_;” So Banez is like “But what do you need to LIVE?” And Lysand is like “I NEED TO FEEL SAFE!” So Banez is like “THEN I WILL KEEP YOU SAFE.” So Lysand hugs Banez and he’s like “I WISH WE COULD BE LIKE THIS FOREVER.” And Banez is like “ME TOO. SCREW GOING TO TIAELDE.” And Lysand’s like “PROMISE ME YOU WON’T DIE THERE.” And Banez is like “I’LL COME BACK, I PROMISE.” And Lysand’s like “IF YOU DON’T, I’LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU.” And Banez is like “GOD WILL KEEP ME SAFE.” And Lysand’s like “I’ll have a good surprise when you get back.” So Banez is like “<3 Do you want my body cake?” And Lysand’s like “Kay. I haven’t eaten in a while.” And Banez is like “YOU SHOULD EAT. D8” And Lysand is like “I usually skip meals, between plotting and drinking.” And Banez is like “THAT’S BAD.” Blah blah blah, Lysand drinks because he thinks it’ll help him sleep without having nightmares (Surprise: it doesn’t). And Lysand’s like “Only one night I didn’t wake up freaking out!” And Banez is like “?” And Lysand’s like “8//C The night I slept in the same bed as you.” So Banez is like “…Oh. Well… it’s chaste, so…” ( ;] ) But Lysand starts freaking out and he’s like “I NEED TO GO AND HIDE MY SHAAAAME.” So Banez is like “Okay?” So Banez will leave a letter for Lysand about Lorin’s condition in one of his books on the desk, and they say goodbye. Lysand leaves, and he’s like “omg, what’s going on with me??” (OBVIOUSLY YOU'RE TURNING GAY FOR BANEZ.) And Banez is like “I’m confused…” (YOU IDIOT, GO OUT THERE AND TAKE HIM RIGHT THERE IN THE HALL.)

Rock Bottom
So Scipio wakes up the morning after Draven beat the crap out of him, and we find that even the admin Arrow has trouble spelling Tiaelde’s name. So Scipio’s like “Uggghhh...” and starts staggering around with a hangover. Because he wants to die, I guess. And Zephyr comes over (*irritated siggghhh*), and cutting the crap immediately, Zephyr’s like “OMG, I’M SOOO HOT. APPARENTLY I’M DANGEROUS, BUT I’M JUST PROBABLY ONLY GOING TO SEX YOU UP. BECAUSE THAT’S DANGEROUS, RIGHT? Why are you on the mountain?” And Scipio’s like “Haha, you’re hot. ;]” (This is going to be painful to read, isn’t it…?) And apparently… Zephyr draws attention to her ass by describing how her hair is brushing it softly. (Yeah, this is going to be painful.) And she’s like “lol, useless!” And Scipio’s like “Hard to get, I see? What are YOU doing on the mountain?” And Zephyr’s being all annoying and catty and won’t answer his questions, so Scipio’s like “Okay, I’m lost on the mountains, happy? Get me back to Tiaelde, plz?” And apparently Zephyr knows his last name… whatever. And she’s like “Sure, I’ll bring you back to Tiaelde, if you become my pet, give me your sword, and do sexual favors for me!” And Scipio’s like “Fuck you, bitch! How do you know my name anyway?” (My favorite post of Scipio’s so far.) And Zephyr’s like “THE SWORD IS YOUR PENIS. I’M A VAMPIRE!” (Uggghhh *gets the crazy pills*) “+ lame reason for knowing your last name for no reason!” (You know, you really need to PAY ATTENTION to what you’re doing. I’d hate to have to have the same problem like with Porter again.) And Scipio’s like “SEX? SEX?? I WANT SEX! SEX NAO?” And Zephyr’s like “NOPE. Unless you convince me on the way to Tiaelde! I’M PLAYING A DANGEROUS GAME. SEXING UP WILLING MEN IS DANGEROUS, RIGHT?” And Scipio’s like “I’M SO TURNED ON RIGHT NOW.” So he starts putting the moves on her (*throws a crazy pill at Scipio*), And Zephyr’s like “Deciding not to hurt people is dangerous, right? What is your job?” And Scipio’s like “WAIT, HOLY SHIT, YOU’RE A VAMPIRE.” So Zephyr’s like “YEAH, BUT I’M HOT.” And Scipio’s like “Hm, you have a point.” (*THROWS CRAZY PILLS AT BOTH OF THEM*) And Zephyr’s like “OTHER VAMPIRES LIVE HERE. LET’S GO.” (GOD, FUCKING… AUUUGH.) And Scipio’s like “THERE’S NOT MUCH OUT HERE, YOU KNOW, BESIDES OTHER VAMPIRES.” (*bangs head on wall*) And Zephyr’s like “I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT OTHER VAMPIRES BEING HERE.” (YES YOU DID, YOU STUPID BITCH.) “I’M NOT SAYING ANYTHING ELSE.” So Scipio’s like “I’M TOTALLY RICH, AND I HAVE A PIMPED OUT HOUSE. BE IMPRESSED BY MY WEALTH! I’M ALSO LONELY ALL ALONE IN MY HUGE HOUSE. WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE. THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER.” (Even though she’s a vampire that could, you know KILL YOU.) And apparently Zephyr’s a liar or a creeper, but she’s like “OH YEAH, I WANT TO SEE YOUR HUUUGE HOUSE.” And Scipio’s like “Are you a creeper or something? COME TO MY HOUSE, PLEASE, I’M SO DESPERATE.” (AND YOU WONDER WHY YOU GET COCKBLOCKED.) And yeah, apparently Zephyr is a creeper because apparently she gathered a bunch of information on him because she knew she was going to run into this ONE CERTAIN GUY. And Zephyr’s like “SCREW BEING DANGEROUS, GETTING LAID IS MORE IMPORTANT.” (*THROWS CRAZY PILLS AT ZEPHYR*) And THANK GOD, they’re close to Tiaelde so this painful experience can be over soon. WHAT, PAGE THREE? FUCK. *GLARES AT ARROW* IF YOU LOVED ME, YOU’D END IT. So Scipio is like “LET’S HAVE SEX.” And Zephyr’s like “IF YOU DO EVERYTHING I SAY. (IN BED ;] )” And Scipio’s like “YAH! SEX NAO?” And Zephyr’s like “HAHA NO.” Oh yeah, and also, her sire, Vince, is coming to visit her. And Scipio’s like “Wait, wut. YOU FUCKING TEASE.” (DID YOU SERIOUSLY NOT SEE THAT COMING, YOU DUMBASS. STOP THINKING WITH YOUR DICK FOR A SECOND.) And Zephyr’s like “ARE YOU GOING TO GO BACK ON YOUR DEAL, BITCH? I HAVE A JOB TO DO.” And Scipio’s like “NO… *grumble* WTF IS YOUR JOB ANYWAY? I USED TO BE A KICK ASS SOLDIER.” (Pfft, with your track record, Banez probably kicked you out for disorderly conduct.) And Zephyr’s like “OMG, DUMBASS, YOU CAN’T COME WITH ME. NOW SIT IN THE TAVERN UNTIL I COME BACK TO YOU FOR SEXY TIME.” (*slams head into wall repeatedly*) So Scipio’s like “FINE, GEEZ.” And Zephyr kisses him and she’s like “I’ll come back later tonight!” (Actually, she can’t in accordance to timeline issues, so we’ll just pretend she was vague or said… a few days.) So Scipio’s like “I FEEL LESS PATHETIC. WAIT, SEX IS LOVE, RIGHT? ” as he goes down to Tiaelde. (*CRAZY PILLS*)

Silver Chains
So Seriah thinks he’s all sexy and is playing his lute on his chair, and he’s like “Hmmm… There’s only ONE way to handle the royal family…” And Ashemir comes up to his door and knocks, so Seriah opens the door and he’s like “Hey there, sexy. ;] You eager for sex?” And Ashemir’s like “=_= I brought the chains. May I come in?” So Seriah’s like “Yeah. And we’re getting a horse and cart for this thing.” And Ashemir’s like “So where are we going first?” So Seriah’s like “My bedroom Naulus, and then Feryn.” And then we discover that Ashemir even SITS like a girl, and he’s like “Oh, a plan that actually makes some damn sense. Oh, and I brought perfume.” And Seriah’s like “(Haha, this plan is insane.) Do you want to have sex pal around since you’re early? ;]” And Ashemir’s like “=_= I’m tired. Uhh… distraction: what happened to your sire?” And Seriah’s like “:<” And he says that he and his sire Lirit lived in a tower until werewolves came and killed him. And Ashemir’s sire was a teeny bopper named Anna who was caught in Cados, quarantined, and killed, and she was a cute little delightful lunatic noble, apparently. And Lirit was sexy and nice and also kinda’ crazy lonely. So they’re both like “;_; Omg, they were so awesome and saved us from our mortal lives.” And Ashemir’s like “I’M NOT GONNA’ CRY. Are you going to just rule Thrunalhin forever when you take over?” And Seriah’s like “Yeah, basically. And I’m going to establish rules and a court… (So dumbass vampires won’t eat everything…)” And Ashemir’s like “Forever and ever? POLITICS SUCK. LENIANT RULES ARE STUPID.” And Seriah’s like “Haha… I’m afraid Valmar’s going to stab me in the back. AND I HAVE VETO POWER. And are you interested in a hot, sexy council position? ;] But you don’t seem ambitious.” And Ashemir’s like “You think Valmar’s a snake, too? AND NOT AMBITIOUS? HOW DARE YOU, WITH YOUR STUPID, SEXY SMILE. YOU ASS. I NEVER HAD TO THINK ABOUT ANYTHING LIKE THIS UNTIL YOU CAME. WHAT THE HELL. SCREW YOU.” And Seriah’s like “Well yeah, because Valmar is crazy and Roman. And you don’t have to, but then you’d have to not suck to get your ideas across. Lol, you’re fiesty~” And Ashemir’s like “YES I’D HAVE TO SUCK. CONVINCING = SEX. FINE, I’LL CONSIDER IT. GOD.” And Seriah’s like “But that’s the most fun kind of convincing! And good.” So Ashemir’s like “OMG YOU ANNOY ME SO MUCH. FINE.” And Seriah’s like “Well, let’s go to sleep and get going tomorrow. …There’s only one bedroom. ;]” And Ashemir’s like “! >8C” And Seriah’s like “Look at my bed, it’s huge. ;]” And Ashemir’s like “…Right, I still have that hickey on my neck from making out with Draven.” And Seriah takes off his shirt and he’s like “You gonna’ take off some clothes? (;]) ” And Ashemir’s like “… Everything but my shirt and pants.” And he hides the hickey with his hair. So they get into bed with a lot of space between each other (Ashemir, you are NO fun) and Seriah’s like “NIGHT.” And Ashemir’s like “OMG, SERIAH NIPS. WOULD IT BE IN BAD FORM TO POKE YOU UNDER THE COVERS? NIGHT.”

Missing in Action
So in the forest of Naulus, Yeszlin’s going to Cados and she’s like “Lalalalala…” And Seriah and Ashemir smell like damp wilderness, so they’re walking together, and Ashemir’s like “OMG THAT BED WAS SO COMFY, BUT SERIAH CAN SUCK IT. SILVER IS A STUPID COLOR.” And Yeszlin’s like “I suddenly have the feeling I’m going to get totally screwed…” And Seriah’s like “Oh hey, chick! HIII!” And Ashemir’s like “…” So Yeszlin gets defensive and she’s like “WTF R U DOIN IN THE FOREST?” And Seriah’s like “We’re going to the beach. =D But our cart broke down. (lie)” And Ashemir’s like “… (Oh God)” and Yeszlin’s like “Go back to the road!” And Seriah’s like “Why can’t you help us? D=” And Ashemir’s like “… *faints*” And Yeszlin’s like “(Whoops, I didn’t mean to scare them that bad.) Is he okay?” And Seriah’s like “I CAN TELL YOU WHAT YOU’RE NOT… SAFE! >D” And he wraps a silver chain loop around Yeszlin’s neck and yanks. And Ashemir’s like “(OH GOD DON’T BITE MY THROAT OUT)” but Yeszlin turns on Seriah and she’s like “YOU BASTARD. I’M GONNA’ RUIN YOU.” And Seriah’s like “Sorry~” So Ashemir gets up, grabs a rock, and cracks it over Yeszlin’s head. So Yeszlin falls unconscious, and Seriah’s like “Nice, we nabbed the ambassador. Did you hurt your pretty little head from the fall?” And Ashemir’s like “OMG, THAT WAS INSANE, THAT WAS SO STUPID. I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PLAN MADE SENSE TO ME A DAY AGO. And yes, I'm fine. >C ” And Seriah’s like “It’s so stupid that it had to work! lol!” And so they bind Yeszlin, bleed her a little, tie a gag on her, and Ashemir sprays lavender perfume around, and he makes a joke about them working on tans at the beach, and Seriah’s like “lol! (We could have sex on the beach. ;])” So they go back to the cart, and the horse’s name is Walter IV, and they make a Yeszlin-tarp taco. So Ashemir’s like “(Oh God, I have to go back to the mountain) …Do you need help raping handling her in Issilt?” And Seriah’s like “I might. ;]” And Ashemir’s like “Kay, I just need to go to the mountain and pack some things.” And Seriah’s like “Kay. See you later, baby~” And Ashemir’s like “Yeah, sure, whatever. (Oh God, what am I doing?)”

Tipsy
Alrighty, so Analisia (a werewolf loner) goes into the tavern, and she’s like “I’m waiting for Frodo—I mean… I need ale.” And Travis comes in and he’s like “Screw Malcom, srsly. I need ale, too.” And Analisia is like “That guy smells like the forest… that’s hot.” And Travis sees her and he’s like “Attempt to score #3.” So Analisia’s like “So… what’s up?” So Travis is like “(WHAT DO YOU WANT…) I dunno…” And we discover that Analisia chews her hair (OMG, KINDRED SPIRIT.) and she gets ANOTHER drink. So they introduce themselves, and Travis is like “So… you from around here?” So Analisia’s like “No, but I’m not a wandering traveler. I just go wherever. Wait…” And Travis is like “My home’s Tiaelde, but that place is kinda’ freaky. OMG, WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON. OMG, WHY ARE YOU FROWNING?” And she’s like “(BECAUSE YOU REMIND ME OF HOOOME.) Nothing!” Blah blah blah, Travis travels around because of his job and the adventure, (“PLUS I’M LONELY, WINK WINK. BECAUSE MY PARENTS AND WIFE (I THINK) ARE DEAD. PITY LOVE ME!”) So Travis is like “DO YOU THINK PEOPLE WILL CARE WHEN YOU DIE? ;_;” And Analisia acts like it’s a perfectly normal question to ask, and she’s like “My family. …Maybe not. …ANYWAY, what do you do?” And Travis is like “I’m a bounty hunter! I’m all roguish and sexy, and I fight bad guys and make money. That’s hot, right?” And Analisia’s like “Oh ttly. I just watch over the forest.” And Travis is like “Oh, that’s hot, too.” So Travis is like “My job is exciting, but your job sounds nice too.” And Analisia is like “My job is boring… people don’t come because of the werewolves.” And Travis is like “People fear difference, and that’s bad! I think it would be hot to meet a werewolf.” So Analisia is playing with her hair, so, wait for it, Travis GIGGLES. I’ll give you a moment to visualize that. And Analisia is like “? Agreed.” And Travis is like “And people fear the unknown and stuff, cuz it’s natural.” And Analisia is like “lol, yes and no…” And Travis is like “(Omg, Analisia is soooo hot.) So… where you staying?” And Analisia’s like “(I wonder what he’s thinking about).” (I’LL GIVE YOU THREE GUESSES, AND THE OTHER TWO DON’T COUNT.) “Out in the forest, cuz I’m rugged like that.” And Travis is like “YOU’RE SO BRAVE AND HOT. CAN I SLEEP WITH SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU? TO TALK, I SWEAR!” And Analisia’s like “LOOK, I HAVE A DAGGER—OH WHOOP, NOW I DON’T. MAGIC… And sure, I’ll talk to you for the night.” (Dost mine ears deceiveth me? A male and female character talking alone in a rp that DOESN’T end in a cheap hook up??) So Travis sucks down his second drink, and he’s like “What should we do before it gets too late?” And Analisia is like “(LOL, SEX.)” (*facepalm*) “Uhh, talk! Yeah, that!” And Travis is like “… What were you thinking about? ;] (LOL, SEX.)” And Analisia’s like “(LOL, SEX.) Uhh… about stabbing you. :]” So Travis is like “…Do you want to DANCE?” (omg, yes.) And so… THEY DANCE! And blah blah blah, they talk about Ana being able to fight and Travis hasn’t danced in 10 years, and then they go for a stroll. (… … … <3)

Cumming Cunning Force
(LOL, I’M PUNNY!) So Ashemir ran back to the mountain and he’s packing his stuff, and he’s like “TIME TO GET THE HELL OUT BEFORE VALMAR SHOWS UP.” And apparently Valmar’s a total creep and was waiting for Ashemir to come back with his invisibility cloak on (Yeah, you remember that thing? I f*ckin’ hate that thing). So Valmar comes into Ashemir’s hovel and he’s like “YOU CALLED?” And Ashemir’s like “FFFFF— HI VALMAR. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHERE I LIVE? I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONE.” And Valmar steps closer and he’s like “I want to rape talk to you.” And Ashemir’s like “Wut?” And Valmar steps closer and he’s like “You don’t like following my instructions. So I’ll make you practice by raping you tonight.” And Ashemir’s like “I’ve never called you an ass to your face.” And Valmar steps even CLOSER (OH GOD, GET OUT OF THERE) and he’s like “Bullshit. It’s a shame I have to rape harm such a beautiful person.” And Ashemir’s like “!!! (No, YOU’RE bullshit!) Diplomacy skill check!” And Valmar’s like “Diplomacy fail!” and KISSES HIM and THROWS HIM ON HIS BED. (*tears out hair* DD8 ) And Ashemir’s like “WAIT, DON’T HURT ME, I’LL HAVE SEX WITH YOU!” (AUGH, GROSS!) And Valmar’s like “LOL!” and lifts Ashemir up and he’s like “You’re barking up the wrong tree!” (FFFFF--) And Ashemir’s like “JUST LET ME KISS YOU AND THEN YOU CAN DECIDE.” So Valmar starts thinking and decides that he hasn’t had honest to God sex in centuries, so even though Ashemir is a dude, he looks enough like a chick to count. (Dude… *vomit basin*) So he’s like “Okay, shoot.” And Ashemir’s like “PUT ME DOWN.” And Valmar’s like “FINE. Now KISS me before I CUT YOUR HAIR.” And Ashemir’s like “DON’T FREAK OUT, OKAY.” So he kisses Valmar. I’ll spare you the details. (*vomits in basin*) So during this, Ashemir wraps one of his bracelet+chains around Valmar’s neck, and Valmar’s like “Mm yah, that’s hot. Can you put on make-up or something?” And Ashemir’s like “Oh yah, ttly” so he starts going—AND THEN PULLS THE CHAIN AND STARTS STRANGLING VALMAR WITH IT. (HA, AND YOU THOUGHT HE WAS JUST FASHION-FORWARD.) But Valmar throws Ashemir off and he’s like “Okay, you earned 5 style points, but now you’re going to lose 5 not-raped points.” So he throws Ashemir on his bed again and SMELLS HIS HAIR (AUGH!) and LICKS HIS EAR (*vomits again*). OH GOD, VALMAR’S GOING TO RAPE ASHEMIR, OH GOD, VALMAR’S GOING TO RAPE ASHEMIR, OH THANK GOD, ASHEMIR HAD HIS AXE RESTING AGAINST HIS BED AND NAILED VALMAR IN THE BACK WITH IT. So Valmar’s armor gets split, and Ashemir jumps off the bed and pulls up his pants and grabs a perfume bottle and throws it at Valmar, and he’s like “GTFO!” And so Valmar lunges at Ashemir and he’s like “WHORE, I’M GOING TO DESTROY YOU.” And Ashemir grabs a candle on his desk and chucks it at Valmar and SETS HIS ARM ON FUCKING FIRE. Then he grabs a few books and his lantern and BOLTS THE FUCK OUT. (RUN, ASHEMIR, RUUUUNNN!) And Valmar pulls the axe out of his back; that’s a badass, and he throws it at Ashemir and nails him in the leg. So Ashemir’s like “FFFFUUUCKKKK, DAMMIIIITTT. SO CLOOOSE.” So he gets ready to trip Valmar up with the chains again, but Valmar doesn’t take that shit and kicks Ashemir in the family jewels. (DUDE. SERIOUSLY? NOT COOL.) And he draws a blade on Ashemir’s throat, and Ashemir’s like “>8’C” but then Valmar raises the blade to his scalp and then Ashemir’s like “DD8> I’LL SUCK YOUR DICK FOR REAL, PLEASE DON’T CUT MY HAIR.” But Valmar cuts a small lock off and punches Ashemir in the face, and he takes the hair and he’s like “Bitch, if I ever see you again, I’ll fucking scalp you to make a Hannah Montana wig (I GET THE BEEEEST OF BOTH WOOORLDS) and kill you. Gtfo my mountain,” and he spits on Ashemir (Dude, seriously?) and leaves. So Ashemir stops to recover and gets really scared and indignant and pissed off, and decides that he’s going to cry to Seriah about nearly being RAPED. (Seriously wish I could be joking about that.)
(Patrick and I will just take comfort in the fact that we didn’t write My Immortal or RaptorxHuman smut. WE’RE GOOD PEOPLE, WE SWEAR.)

I Feel Dirty
So Ashemir, after crying like a little pansy, gets the hell out of there but decides that he needs to wash the icky Valmar cooties off of him, so he goes to a pool by the mountain and strips down to go SKINNY DIPPING, BECAUSE THAT’S THE WAY TO DO IT. Anyway, Draven shows up because he’s going to meet up with Valmar to go to Yina, but anyway, he’s like “Wut, there’s packs and bloody clothes and-- *nosebleed* Oh hai Ashemir, wut r u doin?” And Ashemir’s like “WTF-- PFFT, WHATEVER, IT’S JUST DRAVEN. Uhh… Valmar happened. BRB, TEARING APART CLEANING SCALP.” And Draven’s like “Wut? Why clean so serious?” And Ashemir’s like “VALMAR TRIED TO RAPE ME. ;_; OH GOD, I KISSED HIM TOO” and then he starts washing his mouth out with nature’s Scope. And Draven’s like “WTF, VALMAR. D8< Anything I can do for you, bby?” And Ashemir’s like “;_; Kick Valmar in the balls. I’m running off to elope hide with Seriah now.” And Draven’s like “OMG, WHAT IF I HAD HELD DOWN ASHEMIR ON THE MOUNTAIN PEAK? I’m SO out of Valmar’s army. >C” And Ashemir’s like “NO, STAY. WHAT IF HE STABS SERIAH IN THE BACK?” And Draven’s like “Shiiiiiiiiit. Fine, I’ll stay. Tell Seriah that I think he’s sexy.” And Ashemir’s like “Okay, turn around so you don’t see my mannakedness. I also ruined Valmar’s armor.” And Draven turns around and he’s like “LOL, nice. I’m gonna’ go yell at Valmar.” Oh yeah, and he doesn’t have his weapons on him now. So Ashemir goes and puts his bloody pants on and starts combing his hair like a girl, and he’s like “Don’t yell! Keep this on the DL! …Wait wut, your weapons.” And Draven’s like “S’okay, I hid them. OMG VALMAR MAKES ME SO ANGRY. Want me to cum come with you to Seriah’s?” And Ashemir’s like “Whatever.” And Draven’s like “Kay. It’s a date escort.” And Ashemir’s like “Psyche, stay here instead.” (YOU F*CKIN’ TEASE.) But he hugs Draven and he’s like “JUST A HUG. >8C” And Draven’s like “What, hug? Kay. Bye.” So Ashemir’s like “Kay, bye.” And then they gooo…

Deserted Hell
(THIS IS REALLY LONG, BUT WORTH IT.)
So Ashemir goes into The Mountain Goat tavern, and he’s like “;_; It sucks to be me. At least I smell like apples.” So he sits down and Analisia is there and she’s like “LOL, that’s a DUDE! Or an ugly chick.” (*snaps fingers* Honey, Ashemir TRANCENDS gender!) So then Markus (Malcom’s small child brother) comes in and pays for a room, and he goes to Analisia and he’s like “Hi.” And Travis comes in and he’s like “My hometown is kinda’ freaky. Oh hey, there’s A-she-male Ashemir.” (COUNT IT, I’M GOING TO PUN HELL, BABY!) So he sits down and he’s like “lol, you got beat up.” And Ashemir’s like “>8C I STRANGLED A WHORE. I’LL TOLERATE YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE HOT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” And Analisia’s like “OMG small child, you’re so small! (Oh and lol, I see you Travis. ;])” So Markus is like “It’s cool. Do you know those guys?” Back at the other table, Travis is like “It’s cool, someone paid my debt like a sucker. Wut, strangled?” And Ashemir’s like “YEAH, SOME WHORE BROKE INTO MY HOUSE SO I STRANGLED HIM. …Travis, wth do you do?” And Travis is like “I’m a bounty hunter! I can catch your rapist. ” And Ashemir’s like “(FUCK.) NO. STAY OUT OF IT.” Back at the other table, Analisia’s like “Do I know them? Yes and no. Let’s get drinks!” So they introduce themselves, and Markus is like “(MY VAMPIRE SENSES ARE TINGLING, I THINK.) Yeah, let’s get drinks! ” And Analisia’s like “YEAH, ALRIGHT. ” CUE ZEPHYR STRUTTING INTO THE TAVERN SHOWCASING HER NATURAL VAMPIRE SCENT. So she decides to go over to Ashemir, and she’s like “LOL, YOU GOT BEAT UP. AND YOUR HAIR GOT CUT.” And Analisia’s like “OMFG I SMELL A VAMPIRE BITCH.” And Markus is like “ I’m just gonna’… go sit at the bar.” So he does, while Travis is like “UHHHH, who are you? (What a bitch.)” So Ashemir’s like “DDDD8< FUCK YOU AND FUCK VALMAR AND FUCK YOU AGAIN. GTFO.” So Zephyr’s like “I’M ZEPH. AND VALMAR TOLD ME EVERYTHING BECAUSE HE’S STUPID, AND HIS TROOPS ARE STUPID. I WANT YOU TO RELIVE THE PAIN. >” So Analisia comes over and she’s like “Battle face on. >8C Heeeeyy Travis, who’re your frriiiiends? ” And Travis is like “(Wait wut, Valmar? OH SHI—THEY’RE VAMPIRES. FFFF--) OH HEY, ANA. YEAH, THESE ARE MY FRIENDS… TOTALLY… (OMG VAMPIRES.)” And Ashemir’s like “(FUCK A WEREWOLF). FUCK YOU, ZEPHYR. YOU’RE AN IDIOT BITCH.” So Zephyr’s like “LOL, JK! My friend was eavesdropping and told me! And Valmar’s stupid and you’re a badass! DID I MENTION THE VAMPIRES HAVE A LEADER OUTLOUD, TOO?” And Analisia’s like “(I know Valmar.) lol, vampires are sloppy. Vampire ;]” and she jumps the ‘annoying Ashemir’ bandwagon. And Travis is like “(Wow, Zephyr really sucks at shutting up. OMG, NO, ANA, DON’T MAKE IT WORSE.)” And Ashemir’s like “OMG, BITCH DID NOT CALL ME A VAMPIRE. AND ZEPHYR! DDD8< !!” and bitchslaps Zephyr’s and he’s like “VALMAR’S OUR LEADER (LIE). SHUT UP. OMG.” And he freaks out and decides to leave, but Zephyr doesn’t take being bitchslapped, so she goes and shoves Ashemir and spits at him and is like “WHORE, DON’T EFF WITH ME. D8< GTFO BEFORE I TELL VALMAR HE SHOULD RAPE YOU FOR REAL THIS TIME.” So she leaves and Ashemir’s like “>8’CCCC” But Analisia’s like “Lol, Ashemir. You can come back to the table.” And Travis is like “Wait, wut. Invite vampire back… wut?” And so Ashemir’s like “>8C” but he goes back and he’s like “WE’RE NOT GONNA’ TALK ABOUT VALMAR ANYMORE. (OR I’M GONNA’ CRY.)” And Analisia’s like “Sure, whatever. Travis, gimme your ale.” But then Markus comes back and he like, heard everything, so he’s like “OMG, VAMPIRE. WHY DO YOU SMELL LIKE APPLES?” And Travis is like “(Omg, I just processed that the vampires have a leader) Oh… sure.” And Ashemir’s like “(I’M GONNA CUT ZEPHYR SO HARD—OMG, A SMALL CHILD, IT’S SO SMALL, I WANNA TOUCH IT.)” (‘Touch it’, Ashemir? ;] ) Blah blah blah, they introduce themselves again, and Ashemir’s favorite food used to be apples, and Markus’ favorite foods are candy and carrots, and Ashemir liked toffee. And Analisia’s like “Oh yeah, tell me when you need to bite a bitch so I can look the other way or something.” And Travis is like “…Ashemir, wth do YOU do?” And Ashemir’s like “Poet.” (LEAST MANLY JOB, EVERRRRR.) And Analisia’s like “lol. ….I’m bored.” So Markus is like “(OMG, ASHEMIR’S A POET.) …Analisia, wth do YOU do?” And Travis is like “(Hey, vampires are cultured. Who would have knew!) Recite poem plz? (lol, I’m going to poke Ana.)” And Ashemir recites one of his emo poems about his life, and he’s like “Analisia is a werewolf”, basically, so Analisia is like “*punches Travis* WAIT, ASHEMIR, WHORE DID NOT JUST CALL ME A WEREWOLF, OMG. Btw, I’m a woodsman and watch over nature and all that good hippy stuff.” And Markus is like “YOU’RE A WEREWOLF IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.” And Travis is like “I MUST BE THE ONE TO COMFORT ANALISIA ABOUT NOT BEING IN A PACK. Btw, hot poem.” And Ashemir’s like “WAIT, WTF DID I—oh. Well now we’re even, bitch. And none of my poetry is published. >_> It’s mine. (And I’m self-conscious. ;_;) lol, nature/civilization…” (Pansy.) And Analisia is like “=_= Whore, I wanna cut you. Humans need to not be retarded and not over hunt or cut down trees.” And Markus is like “HAHA, WE’RE ALL WEIRD. …Except Travis. He’s normal.” And Travis is like “I’ll ttly pay you for sonnets (for Analisia).” And Ashemir’s like “Bitch, it’s Zephyr’s and Valmar’s fault. And humans need to hunt and cut down trees. AND OMG, MARKUS IS A SMALL CHILD, HE’S SO SMALL.” And Analisia’s like “Whore, we’d kill each other. AND IT’S THE HUMAN’S PROBLEM.” So Markus is like “Do do do…” And Travis is like “Moderation is good! Then everyone’s happy.” And Ashemir’s like “Bitch, it’s Zephyr’s fault for outing me. And lol, fair enough. …=( Travis made me sad. I’m gonna’ look at Markus.” And Analisia’s like “Lol, Zephyr. Kay, I won’t kill you if you aren’t a murderous douchebag. Shake on it?” And Markus is like “D8 HE’S LOOKING AT ME, WHY.” And Travis is like “So Ashemir, have a place to stay?” (Travis! Ana’s right there!) And Ashemir’s like “Omg Zephyr makes me angry. >C Fine, we’ll shake on it. And, Travis, wut? No… I’ll be okay. (WHY ARE YOU BEING NICE TO ME?)” And Ana’s like “OMG, Ashemir’s hand gives me the heeby jeebies. Oh yeah, Markus, we totally cut you off, huh?” And Markus is like “ *takes breath* What jobs do werewolves have, how old is Ashemir, what kind of criminals does Travis catch, has he caught anyone recently?” And Travis is like “I’m looking for a chick assassin. Ashemir can room at the tavern, or stay with me.” (TRAVIS! ANA’S RIGHT THERE!) And Ashemir’s like “374. And no, I’m just going to leave after this. >_>” And Analisia’s like “Our important jobs are exactly like the humans’, and everyone helps everyone. ” And Markus is like “No, I haven’t seen an assassin, and OMG, 374 IS A LONG TIME, DO YOU LOSE COUNT, AND OMG, WEREWOLVES ARE COOL.” So Travis is like “(Oh thank God Ashemir rejected my offer.) Do YOU two have any place to stay? (I’M JUST NICE AND LONELY. ;_;)” And Ashemir’s like “No. …wth do YOU do, Markus? (I STILL DON’T GET WHY TRAVIS IS BEING NICE TO ME.)” (IT’S BECAUSE HE’S NOT A JERK LIKE YOU, YOU HERMIT.) And Analisia’s like “No, screw this mountain, even if Ashemir is cool. HEY ASHEMIR, WANNA BE BFFS AND TRAVEL TOGETHER?” And Markus is like “No, I’m staying in the tavern. I’M AN ARTIST!” (Other least manly job everrrrr) “So I travel and paint stuff for people.” And Travis is like “YEAH, LET’S BE BFFS (WITH BENEFITS) AND TRAVEL TOGETHER.” Blah blah blah, Markus paints portraits and landscapes, and Analisia wants to buy one, and she says that berry paste rocks as a paint, and everyone loves Markus. And Ashemir’s like “=_= Fine, we can travel together.” And Analisia’s like “You can eat robbers, I don’t care. Leech.” And Ashemir’s like “*perks*. …Dog. =_=” And Travis is like ‘YEAH! Bffs! …Markus should stay away from the mountain.” And Ashemir’s like “;_; I MISS THE MOUNTAIN.” And Analisia’s like “Lol, Ashemir’s funny when he’s sassy.” And Markus is like “? What’s on the mountain?” And Travis is like “Beauty is deceptive.” So Ashemir’s like “LAWL (VALMAR’S A JACKASS, OH GOD I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING.)” So they all start laughing (except Travis *SHUUUUN*) and Ana’s like “ =) You have a pretty laugh Ashemir. It’s too bad you’re a douchebag. ;] @travis =)” So Markus is like “Run into you all later?” And Travis is like “Yeah, ttly. @analisia =) <3” And Ashemir’s like “o//o … >8//C … o//o (UHHH, WHAT DO I SAY TO COMPLIMENTS AGAIN? SCREW IT.) I’ll be in Issilt, basically.” And Analisia’s like “Lol, now I can bother you. >D LEECH. (Oh wow, I’m tired.)” And Markus is like “;_; I have to stay here and run errands.” And Travis is like “(I WANT TO COMFORT ANALISIA. With my body.)” And Ashemir’s like “LIKE YOUR CONVERSATIONS WOULD BE MEANINGFUL. DOG.” So they all say bye to Markus and then they leave. AND THEN ASHEMIR AND TRAVIS AND ANALISIA TRAVELED UNTIL ANALISIA AND TRAVIS WENT TO SLEEP. AND ASHEMIR WAS LIKE "SHOULD I KILL THEM? ... ... ...NAH." AND THEN HE DITCHED THEM SO HARD.

Dancing with Wolves
So Travis and Analisia wake up the next day in the forest sort of near the base of the mountain, and Analisia’s like “HII” And Travis is like “(Ashemir is gone. =( ) HII.” And Analisia’s like “omg, I can’t believe we trusted a vampire while we were sleeping, and that everyone’s cool with me being a werewolf. Food?” And Travis is like “lol, all we need is a werecat. We can hunt deer.” And Analisia’s like “Pfft, werecats are lazy and horny. HUNTING CHALLENGE!” So she turns into a wolf and starts scaring deer, I mean barking. And Travis is like “OMG, HER WOLF PELT IS SOOO HOT.” So he goes to hunt with her and pets her, so Analisia’s like “(WTF DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?)” and she goes and finds a deer. And Travis is like “This is awesome, it’s like I have man’s best friend, AND a girlfriend at once! I DON’T WANT TO SHOOT THE DEER, YOU KILL IT.” So Analisia’s like “FINE.” So she jumps it and kills it, and then she changes back into a human and starts praying for its spirit like the hippy wereanimals do, and Travis is like “DO YOU LIKE YOUR VENISON MEDIUM-RARE OR WELL-DONE? ” And Analisia’s like “LAWL, humans have weak stomachs, I like it RAW AND BLEEDING.” Clearly this is a romantic evening. Evidently, anyway, because Analisia’s like “Travis, wth do you want out of this relationship?” And Travis is just like “Mmmm, food—WUT? UHH… (I WANT YOUR BODY. WAIT, WHAT WERE YOUR PERSONALITY TRAITS I ADMIRE ABOUT YOU AGAIN? OH SHI—I CUT MYSELF).” ( >=/ … </ /3 *unships* ) And Analisia does more spiritual shit with the deer’s heart, and she’s like “Travis, wth do you want out of this relationship? =/ ” And Travis is like “Oh, we have religious differences. BUT MY HEART TELLS ME THAT I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.” (Oh cut the crap, you were just thinking about her physical attributes one post ago.) So Analisia is like “That’s going to be HAAAARD. ;_;” and she kisses Travis, and she’s like “(Oh, why did I just do that?)” (Yeah, why did you? Apparently Travis can’t pinpoint what he likes about your personality…) And they’re both like “OMG, THIS FEELS SOO RIGHT.” (*throws crazy pills at them both*) And Travis is like “I KNOW I’VE ONLY KNOWN YOU FOR TWO DAYS, BUT I LOVE YOU.” And Analisia’s like “DUDE, TOOOO FAST.” (*lowers pill-throwing arm* … =_= I’m still watching you two, though. ESPECIALLY YOU, TRAVIS. >8CCC ) And Travis is like “Now that I’ve made this totally awkward, I’m going to get some firewood.” So he gets firewood and he’s like “’Love’ isn’t a bad word! She must have trust issues. It totally isn’t me just thinking with my dick and thinking it’s love!” And Analisia’s getting pinecones and stuff, and she’s like “Do I love Travis? And what do I love him for again? And when I go back to the pack, I can’t take him with.” (THAT’S GOOD.) So they come back, and Travis makes a fire, and Ana got berries and stuff. And Travis is like “Sit with me by the fire? ;]” (OMG, I COULD SMACK YOU.) And Analisia’s like “You know, we don’t really know each other…” (HOLY CRAP, SOMEONE’S SPEAKING SENSE HERE!) “You aren’t curious about my culture, but you also don’t kick me away.” And Travis is like “Because I know about werewolves, and you’re fun and caring and protecting!” (THERE WE FUCKING GO, HERE’S OUR PROGRESS.) And Analisia’s like “You’re a kind soul! You can ask questions about the real me!” So Travis is like “Why are you a loner?” And Analisia explains that she went and tried to fight a group of vampires by herself, but ran back and led the vampires to the pack, and so some werewolves died, and the alpha banished her, but she can come back soon. And she’s like “I want to be welcomed back. ;_;” And Travis is like “I’ll always stay beside your body you!” And Analisia’s like “But what do we do about our traveling together?” And Travis is like “We can do my job! Except, together.” And Analisia’s like “I… guess. Sure. And then I’ll be better at you at it, lol! …So, after my sob story, what do we do now? (I guess I could try to get to know you, but fuck it. I’ll just kiss your cheek again.)” (*hits head on wall*) So they cook up their breakfast, and Analisia’s like “I need to get drinking water… (and bathe! WAIT, TRAVIS IS AROUND).” And Travis is like “Kay, go get some water.” So Analisia goes and transforms into a wolf to wash herself and comes back. And Travis is like “Oh snap, you’re wet. Have my cloak. (OMG HER SHIRT IS WET *NOSEBLEEDS* )” (Actually no, BUT HE COULD HAVE BEEN.) So then they eat, and yay Travis is a good cook, and Travis is like “Now what do we do?” And Analisia’s like “We can always go to your cabin ( ;] ) or you can tell me what you did before you became a bounty hunter.” (HAH, MORE FUCKING PROGRESS.) So Travis’ mom died in childbirth and his dad died in a barn fire when Travis was seven (JESUS TAP-DANCING CHRIST, MAN), and his dad and grand-dad were hunters, so he became a hunter, hence the last name. And Analisia’s like “I changed my last name because it was stupid!” Oh yeah, and Analisia spits some water in Travis’ face, and he’s like “omg, I’ll tackle you.” And she pours the whole canteen on him and she’s like “Can’t catch me! ;]” And he’s like “IS THAT A CHALLENGE?” and runs and tackles her. (Come on, Ana, you weren’t even trying!) So they roll around a little and make out, (Okay, Analisia’s just being a tease now) and Analisia’s like “Travis, what are you thinking about?” And Travis is like “Sex. You. I’m tired, even though it’s just morning.” And so they fall asleep on each other. (Still feeling >=/ about this now.)

Nothing Better to Do
So Zephyr is practicing using her giant-ass sword in her room in the mountain, and then Vin… Vincet…Vincencio (*unties tongue*) comes by and he’s like “HUG!” And Zephyr’s like “What’s up? LOOK, I DECORATED MY ROOM, AREN’T YOU PROUD OF ME!” And Vince is like “I wish I could hang with you more, but I have children to teach and a sexy warlord to serve.” And Zephyr’s like “YOU PROMISED ME WE’D BE TOGETHER FOREVER. ;_;” She also thinks that she’d make a MUCH better general than Valmar and wants to overthrow him/beat him up/however the fuck that’s supposed to work. And Vince is like “It’s your fault we’re in different areas.” And Zephyr’s like “Well I don’t like it! D< Why don’t you fight anymore? VALMAR’S SO BOSSY.” And Vince is like “Fighting suuuucks. I’m tiiirrred of it. So what’s up?” And Zephyr’s like “Stuff, and stuff, and OMG SCIPIO’S FUNNY.” And Vince is like “Now I know you’ve sexed up a lot of men before, but—” (WAIT WAIT WAIT, HOLD IT, BACK UP. ….WHAT? ‘mate with them’ DUDE, I KNOW she’s 18, but the way I’m reading it, she looks like she’d be like, 14. And she ACTS 12. If that’s not pedophilia on SOME SORT OF LEVEL, then I don’t know WHAT is.) “but if you’re lonely, then whatever, I’ll just let these deep-seated issues keep growing.” And Zephyr’s like “Valmar is laaaame!” (Bagging on Valmar count: 3) “I’m boooored! I want to PLAY with someone!” (YOU SEE? YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY SHE ACTS 12?) And Vince is like “Why don’t you leave his army, then? WHAT DO YOU PLAN TO DO?” So Zephyr’s like “(I’M NOT TELLING YOU MY PLANS.) Because he follows Seriah, and Seriah is sexy! And because he’d punish me, like he did Ashemir, omg that was so crazy, omg. You know Ashemir, right?” And Vince is like “Hmmm, nope. Lol, you should know that appearances aren’t everything.” (Ashemir: Isn’t that the truth.) So Zephyr’s like “D8 IF VALMAR LETS ME, CAN I DITCH HIM TO HANG WITH YOU?” And Vince is like “Only if you aren’t a dumbass and cover your scent. Your room is all ready in mah house.” And Zephyr’s like “(SCREW VALMAR, I’M GOING ANYWAY.) Can I bring Scipio? And will I get to meet our sexy warlord?” And Vince is like “Yeah, ttly, once your work’s done. Whatev’s, I’ll send Seriah a note.” And Zephyr acts like a 12 year old and starts clapping. SHE’S EXCITED, CAN’T YOU TELL?

[Ashemir Draemis]

And now... It's Beginning to Snow a la Firesaber:

Fabala: Lalaaaa~
Lysand: That song makes me sad because it reminds me my dad died 16 years ago. :l
Fabala: OMFG. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE DEAD FATHERS?
Lysand: People die.
Fabala: STOP WHINING AT ME!


The Morning After... Stuff...
(YOU CAN'T MAKE ME DO THIS ONE SO SOON. WAKE ME UP WHEN IT'S OVER.)
(Basically, Scipio and Zephyr had sex. EWW on account that Zephyr acts 12.)

Tainted Ground
So in Yina, Valmar is hiding out with Draven and his short, fierce soldier Tartus, and they’re wearing wereanimal pelts and waiting to attack the worshippers in Yina (what worshippers? No one ever goes in there…) And apparently back at the mountain, Draven had been all “You’re gross for trying to rape Ashemir! D<” And Valmar had been like “Well then you should have caught him when you first had the chance. Loser.” And Draven’s like “*scribble* I’M GOING TO HAVE TO WASH MY CLOTHES AFTER THIS. ARRG.” And Valmar’s like “PATIENCE, DAMMIT.” And Draven’s like “WHATEV’S.” So Tartus signals them and so they goooo. (Ignore Tartus’ description in this thread—I could have sworn Pat said he was 5’6”. OR MAYBE I’M JUST CRAZY. But Tartus still seems like an adorable, violent, short spitfire to me.) And Tartus finds a werecat, SO HE PUNCHES IT IN THE THROAT AND KILLS IT, THAT’S A BADASS. So Draven’s like “So, what’s the gameplan?” And Valmar’s like “Stick together as a warmachine of death, and we’re going to rape kill all the worshippers.” And Draven’s like “Kay.” So they meet with the second group, who Brutus commands. And Draven’s like “OMG, WILL I BE ABLE TO RP, TOO?” And Valmar’s like “Oh right, you’re here too. Uhh… go and kill NPCs now.” And Draven’s like “UUGGHHH…” but he does. Gratuitous violence… Gratuitous violence… Oh yeah, they killed elders and children, too. And Valmar’s like “Okay, awesome, we killed like 34 people. Kick ass.” And then he SETS FIRE TO THE WHOLE AREA.

Return from Yina
So the vampires return to the mountain to party over their success in Yina, but Draven’s like “Screw this,” and breaks off. But then he gets hopelessly lost, and Valmar comes and he’s like “Hello, little boy. Are you lost?” And Draven’s like “ >8C Effin’ caves piss me off.” And Valmar’s like “It’s okay. Let me lead you to my bedroom outside.” And Draven’s like “>8C I still hate you. I’m hungry…” And Valmar’s like “But your work is so sexy. Let’s go eat.” And Draven’s like “I ONLY EAT ANIMALS.” And Valmar’s like “(GOD, YOU’RE SO WEIRD.) Fine, we’ll eat deer and then drink booze and talk about football.” And Draven’s like “Kay, sure. Why are you following me?” And Valmar’s like “Because I want to rape you I want to be bbfs.” And Draven’s like “Wut?” And Valmar’s like “Let’s kill all the furries. I’m a hardass, but only because I care.” And Draven’s like “(EFF YOU.) Are we outside yet?” And Valmar’s like “Basically.” And Draven’s like “You lead. Because you’re SOOOO good at it /sarcasm.” And Valmar’s like “(Oh, I’ll lead… when I’m raping you).” So they find a deer, and Draven TAKES THAT THING OUT TO DINNER. So while he’s feeding, Valmar’s watching like a creeper. And Draven’s like “Why you watchin’ me like a creeper?” And Valmar’s like “I’M NOT THAT HUNGRY. So, tell me how long you've been a mercenary.” And Draven’s like “550 years. Whhyyyyy?” and does what I can only interpret as stripping down a little for Valmar. And Valmar’s like “JUST CHECKING…” And Draven’s like “Brb, I should go wash all the blood off before getting booze with you.” And Valmar’s like “Yeah, me too. Here’s your payment. TTYL.”

Wasting Time
So Draven’s in the Mountain Goat in Tiaelde waiting for Valmar, and he starts the thread buzzed, BECAUSE THAT’S HOW YOU DO IT! And Markus comes down because he couldn’t sleep (AWWWWW!) and he watches Draven from the mirror. But Draven sees and he’s like “lol, come on over! WENCH! SOMETHING STRONG FOR ME. ” And Markus is like “D8” but he goes over and they introduce themselves, so Draven’s like “OMG, MARKUS SELDER.” And Markus is like “DD8 NO. (lie) …Yes.” And Draven’s like “Your brother’s looking for you. SO WHAT’S UP?” And Markus is like “DDD8” and he seems to not exactly know the condition of Malcom, but he thinks Malcom wrangled Draven up to murder him one way or another, and he’s like “I’M VISITING GRAVES. MALCOM’S DEAD. (OMG WHY CAN’T I PUSH THE CHAIR OUT, AUUUGHHH!)” So Draven’s like “D8 Don’t run away! I won’t tell Malcom; he’s a douche!” And Markus is like “D8 OH GOD DON’T TELL HIM.” And Draven’s… he’s pretty drunk and he’s cursing and ranting and raving, but he’s like “I WON’T TELL HIM!” And Markus is like “(OMG, I’M SO SCARED I COULD ALMOST THROW UP…) Kthnx.” And Draven’s still pretty drunk and he’s like “You can use my last name.” And Markus is like “I don’t know your last name. D8 Stop drinking; I feel uncomfortable!” And Draven’s like “Hunter, and kay, fine, God! I’ll stop! Happy? >8C” And Markus is like “DDD8 Don’t be passive-aggressive! You can keep drinking; don’t be unhappy with me!” (Ashemir: FFF—DRAVEN, STOP TRAUMATIZING THE SMALL CHILD.) And then Valmar comes into the barFFFFFFSHIIIIIIIIIT and he’s like “Hello Draven. And hello, little boy. I’m Vicktor and there might be candy in my pants pocket.” And Draven’s like “Oh God, it’s Valmar.” And Markus is like “OMG TALL PERSON, HE’S SO TALL. DDDD8 I THINK I WET MYSELF.” And Valmar sits down and he’s like “Okay, let’s talk about hot blondes and football. And seriously, there’s candy in my pants pocket.” And Draven’s like “LOL, drinking! ” And Markus is like “8CCC I should go to bed. Yeah, that.” And Valmar’s like “Nooo… you’re safe with us. SERIOUSLY, CANDY, POCKET, NOW.” And Draven’s like “LOL, men! ” And Markus is like “8CCC Uhhh… WOAH, LOOK AT THE TIME, I GOTTA GO, BYE!” And Valmar’s like “Damn. So, what an odd child.” And Draven’s like “LOL, you’re ugly. ”
(Best place to leave off EVER.)

May I?
So Ashemir finally arrives at Seriah’s house in Issilt, and he’s a mess and all covered in blood still, and Seriah opens the door and he’s like “ Hey sexy bi– Wtf happened to you?” But Ashemir goes inside and puts his things down while Seriah is like “(Omgggg, tell meeee).” So Ashemir retells the story of him and Valmar, ending on “HE SAID HE’D KILL ME, I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DOOOO. ;_;” And Seriah’s like “(OMG, F-ING BITCH VALMAR, ASHEMIR’S MINE.) I’ll just have a little chat with Valmar and verbally rape him…” And he hugs Ashemir, and so Ashemir starts crying like a woman. So Seriah’s like “I know this isn’t the most tasteful thing to bring up, BUUUUT did you hear anything sketch between Draven and Valmar?” And Ashemir’s like “No. ;_; Draven thinks you’re sexy, btw, but I’m making him watch Valmar.” And Seriah’s like “<3 Poor baby, would torturing a werewolf make you feel better?” And Ashemir’s like “;_; Maaaaaybe…” But before they do that, Ashemir gets a temporary wardrobe change, and then they go down to the dungeon basement. And Yeszlin’s chained up by a contraption that can adjust the length of chain she’s allowed, and she’s like “omfg, stupid vampires. D<” And Ashemir’s like “Tough for you, bitch!” And Seriah’s like “Hiii~ <3” And Yeszlin’s like “LEMME GO. D<” And Ashemir’s like “Lol, no.” And Seriah’s like “You’re not very nice~ Now tell us about yourself.” And Yeszlin gives her name, but she’s like “I’LL TELL YOU NOTHING! D<” And Ashemir’s like “DON’T CARE. TORTURE NAO?” And Seriah’s like “Lol, Yeszlin’s funny~ Have at it!” And Yeszlin’s like “I’LL ATTACK YOU. D<” And Ashemir’s like “YEAH WELL SOMEONE BEAT YOU TO THAT, BITCH, TELL ME SOMETHING THAT SCARES ME.” And Seriah’s like “Play nice~” And Yeszlin’s like “I SWEAR, I’LL ATTACK YOU.” And Ashemir’s like “…*step*” So Seriah’s next to the chain contraption and he’s like “(Huh, I wonder how I’ll approach Valmar later…)” And then Yeszlin jumps Ashemir and she’s like “RAWR!” And Ashemir’s like “RAWR!” And Seriah’s like “Oh snap.” So Yeszlin and Ashemir start clawing each other and pulling each other’s hair, and Seriah’s like “Catfight! ;]” But Ashemir slams Yeszlin’s head down before he starts strangling her with his chain again, and Seriah’s like “Hey guys, I’m still here~” So Ashemir starts playing the choking torture game with Yeszlin, choking her and then giving her air and then choking her again, while Yeszlin struggles. And Yeszlin’s like “GET THE EFF OFF.” And Ashemir’s like “D<” and pulls harder, so Yeszlin begs him to stop, and then Ashemir stops and goes back to Seriah. And Seriah’s like “Feel better?~ And we’ll see you later, sweetheart~” And Ashemir’s like “A little… (Yes).” So they go back upstairs, while Yeszlin’s like “;_; It sucks to be me.” And Seriah’s like “You can stay with me as long as you want ( ;] ) And I’ll talk to Valmar.” And Ashemir’s like “Thnx. *HUG* (OH GOD, WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?)” It’s also established that Seriah is the sort of person that waits for hot blondes things to come to him.

Misdirection
So Harrier finds the area where Yeszlin was kidnapped, and he’s like “D8” but then he smells werecats, so he’s like “D<” And he howls to assemble the pack, so Indigo comes, and they’re like “D8”. And Kahjit comes and he’s like “D8”. And Baba comes and he’s like “I KNOW YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT RUINING THE WERECAT CHIEF; DON’T DO IT.” But Harrier having an advisor is apparently useless, because Harrier is like “RAAAAGE! WERECATS DID IT, CAN’T YOU SMELL IT?” I’M GOING TO MESS CHEY UP.” And he bleeds on the bag discarded from Yeszlin’s capture so he can carry it around as a wolf. Then Tuari shows up and he’s like “ D8 It could be a lone werecat that did it.” And Indigo’s like “We have to do something. D<” And Baba is being annoying and has a feeling that the vampires are behind it FOR NO REASON, and he’s like “Be reasonable.” And Kahjit’s like “Chey’s still responsible for lone werecats. =/ (Is it kind of ironic that our ambassador was kidnapped?)” And Harrier’s like “CHEY FAILS. BABA, HOW ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS WASN’T DONE BY WERECATS? RAAAAAGE!” And Indigo’s like “Yeah, let’s go harass Chey!” And Tuari reveals himself to be the more pansy brother, because he’s like “D8 Werecats can be scary to fight!” And Baba’s like “Think logically! Do you think Yeszlin cares about her own life? Wait…” And Kahjit’s like “Following evidence = we ARE thinking logically. >=/ Let’s ask Chey to let us search Feryn.” And Harrier’s like “Talk to Chey? OH I’LL TALK TO CHEY. AND I’LL RIP HER THROAT OUT IF SHE REFUSES TO LISTEN. WE’RE GOING TO FERYN, BOYS.” And the twins are like “Yeah!” And Baba’s like “Uhh… I’ll talk to Chey. Even though I’m just the advisor.” But having an advisor for Harrier is useless, because Harrier is like “No, I will handle negotiations. >8C But you can come.” And Kahjit’s like “I’ll bring a small force in case shit hits the fan.” And Tuari’s like “We can come, even though we’ll be completely useless, right? ” and Baba’s like “Tuari can’t, because he’s still injured from that bear. Loser.” And Kahjit’s like “If the healer says he can, he can. =/” And Harrier’s like “>8C I’m gonna’ smack some bitches.” And the twins are… really annoying, and then they leave. So they decide to meet the next morning in order to journey to Feryn and smack some werecat bitches.

Doctor's Note
So Mishaw (the werewolf healer) pokes her head out of her tent, but then fuckin’ Tuari shows up, and he’s like “Hey, check out my shoulder and tell me I can go with Harrier to Feryn!” And Mishaw’s like “Wth happened to you? What about Feryn? Into my tent we go!” And Tuari’s like “Yeah, there were bears, and keep it on the DL, but we think werecats kidnapped Yeszlin.” And Mishaw’s like “Oh snap.” And Tuari’s like “Look at my shoulder! I want to go to Feryn, even though I’ll probably be completely useless!” And Mishaw’s like “lol, stop whining.” So she puts some oil/salve on it to clean the wound, and Tuari’s like “I’M NOT WHINING!” (YES YOU DO. YOU ACT 12. THAT’S GROSS.) “OMG, we ALL shouldn’t go to Feryn! Then the werecats could attack us!” (*losing patience* Dumbass, ALL the werewolf guard aren’t going.) And Mishaw’s like “It’s okay, us non-warriors can kick ass and take names, too.” And she’s draining Tuari’s wound of yellow pus. Hardcore. And Tuari’s like “EWWW, GROSS. IT’S WEIRD FOR THE WERECATS TO ATTACK.” And Mishaw’s like “Mmm, yeah. Lol, it’s your own fault for not cleaning your wound.” And Tuari’s like “Yeah yeah, whatever. I can go right?” And Mishaw’s like “Yes. Don’t be dumbasses.” And then Tuari hugs her and continues to act like he’s 12, and Mishaw gives him some Medieval painkillers. And Tuari’s like “LOL, Baba is OLLLD!” And then he scampers off.

Moonrise
So Zoshi (a LAWFUL GOOD paladin chick) is going up the mountain to kill some motherfuckin’ vampires, and then Lumi’s dragging her coffin up along the trail. So Zoshi’s like “I’M LAWFUL GOOD?” and Lumi’s like “LOL, THE COFFIN’S NOT MINE! Well… Uhh… I HAVE NO FANGS, SEE?” And Zoshi’s like “=_= I’m lawful good.” And Lumi’s like “lol, I sleep in the coffin. What are you doing here?” And Zoshi’s like “I’M LAWFUL GOOD!” And Lumi’s like “Fighting vampires by yourself is crazy!” But Zoshi’s like “I’M LAWFUL GOOD!” And they introduce themselves, and… we can assume that Lumi split off, and that Zoshi poked around but gave up.

The Power Games: Pressure
So Lysand has another mysterious nightmare, and he’s like “omg, sleeping troubles. ;_;” (DUDE, GET BANEZ, SERIOUSLY.) Then Brenthor comes to Lysand’s door and he’s like “>8CCC Lysand needs to tell me his plans, NAO.” So Lysand opens his door and he’s like “Oh, hi Brenthor.” And Brenthor’s like “WE NEED TO DISPOSE OF BANEZ AND LORIN; THEY’RE DANGEROUS. But Banez is going to Tiaelde. To die.” And Lysand is like “(omg I’m tired. @_@) Banez isn’t a danger… let’s focus on the prince.” And Brenthor’s like “MMMYES, WE SHOULD DISPOSE OF THE ROYAL FAMILY AND SIT OURSELVES ON THE THRONE. >D” And Lysand is like “…What?” And Brenthor’s like “Yes, we kill the king, and then prove Lorin is insane, and then Banez can’t do anything about it while he’s in the mountains.” And Lysand’s like “(Oh God D8) Brenthor, that’s crazy. ” And Brenthor’s like “IT’S BRILLIANT. We just kill the king, and make Lorin even more insane after his father is dead, because he’s all stressed and stuff and thinks everyone’s out to get him. You can make him crack, can’t you, Lysand? >D” And Lysand’s like “UHHH, GOD DOESN’T LIKE MURDER. (STOP THINKING ABOUT ASSASSINATIONS, OMG, THIS ISN’T GOOD.)” And Brenthor’s like “LOL, you committed murder. We’re going to hell anyway, soooo…” (That’s a whole post of dialog, btw.) And Lysand’s like “No I didn’t; I’m Lawful Neutral!” And Brenthor’s like “God knows what you did! Confessions do nothing!” And Lysand’s like “GASP, YOU’RE A PROTESTANT WHORE! Your plan still sucks, though!” And Brenthor’s like “AND WHY DOES MY PLAN SUCK?” And Lysand’s like “DUDE, the nobles won’t accept us on the throne. And when Banez gets back, what then? And if we can’t dispose of Lorin and he goes batshit, what then? But you fail, BECAUSE THE PRINCE DOESN’T RUN THE COUNTRY, I DO.” *DRAMATIC* And Brenthor’s like “>C WELL… YOU’RE IN AN ALLIANCE WITH ME, SO YOU MUST BE FAILING WITH THAT, BITCH.” And Lysand’s like “LOL, you need me more than I need you, whore!” And Brenthor gets REALLY close to Lysand, and he’s like “Bitch, you run crying to Banez all the time! Are you trying to dominate me?” (Oh yah, you dominate that, Lysand. ;] ) And Lysand’s like “Being bffs with Banez gives me moar powar. And I’m already dominating you!” (Yah, you keep dominating that ass. ;] ) And Brenthor’s like “DOMINATE THIS! >D” and GRABS HIM AND MAKES OUT WITH HIM. (OH GOD, OH GOD, I WAS JUST KIDDING. DDD8 JK! JK!!!!) So Lysand’s like “!!!! DDD8” and punches Brenthor in the stomach, and Brenthor’s panting like a bitch and he’s like “Yeah, that’s what I thought. I’ll be in touch. To rape you.” And then he leaves. And Lysand’s all “DDD8” and mentally traumatized. (OMG, YOU GUYS NEED TO STOP FULFILLING THESE SICK JOKES. DO YOU ALL EVEN NEED ME ANYMORE?)

Crazed Innocence
So Lorin had thought about killing himself because Brenthor sucks, and he decides to go see Banez. (Oh great, the crazies are going to get together, that’s promising.) Banez is looking at more locations on Angel Haven and hides it before he opens his door, and he’s like “Oh hi Prince Lorin.” And Lorin’s like “;__; I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DOOOO.” And Banez is like “(You don’t SOUND insane…) What’s up?” And Lorin’s like “BRENTHOR TOLD ME THAT LYSAND’S TRYING TO KILL ME, AND YOU TRIED TO KILL LYSAND, AND BRENTHOR’S WATCHING HIM, BUT BRENTHOR HAAATESSS MEEEEE NOOOOW AND TOLD ME TO KILL MYSELF.” And Banez is like “ Wut. No. OMG, FAT SAID WHAT? D<” And he sets Lorin straight on what’s really going on, and he’s like “ILU, I’D DIE 4 U.” And Lorin’s like “;_; Really? Brenthor said that Lysand is with the vampires, and there’s a locked box under his bed.” (OMG, STOP IT WITH THE ‘BUT BRENTHOR SAID’.) And Banez is like “Yes, ilu, and no, Lysand is not siding with the vampires. =/ Is there something IN the box?” And Lorin’s like “I dunno…” And Banez is like “Lysand isn’t trying to kill you. But WHY would Fat tell you to kill yourself?” And Lorin’s like “;_; I FEEL GUILTY TIER’S DEAD, I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE AND WANT TO DIE.” And Banez is like “DD8 *HUG* You’re not a failure. I felt sad too when my loved ones died, and I wanted to kill myself, too! See? See how well I connect with you??” (NOOO! STOP BANEZ, HE’S INFECTING YOUR HAPPY!) And Lorin’s like “OMG I FEEL SO CONNECTED WITH YOU. WAIT, WUT, YOU WANTED TO KILL YOURSELF? WHY?” And Banez is like “;_; My family called me crazy when I told them what I saw when I was feverish and belittled me and made me the center of gossip and made me miserable, and then my knight Osmond died, and it all sucked. ;_;” And Lorin’s like “;_; What made you not kill yourself?” And Banez is like “Signs from God! And then things sucked less in the capital. But what can I do to make YOU not kill yourself? =( ” And Lorin’s like “I don’t know. ;_; I have nothing to live for. I could just let Lysand make all the decisions and then hang around until there’s heirs to the throne.” (Good GOD this kid is depressing.) And Banez is like “</ /3 =( =( =( .” And Lorin’s like “I should go…” and then he leaves, but he still feels crappy. (GOOD TO KNOW WE GOT NOTHING DONE OTHER THAN MAKE BANEZ DEPRESSED. D<) So Banez recaps the conversation to Lysand in a letter, hides it in a book, and then gets ready to march to Tiaelde. (…I’m sorry, this thread wasn’t very funny. D8)

Unwelcome Company
So Draven sneaks into the castle, all conspicuous in black clothing and trying to find the library. And he’s like “Uh oh, I’m lost… Guess I’ll keep going…” And Lysand is totally NOT HAPPY with the fact that Brenthor made out with him and that Banez is gone, so he’s PMSing and sees Draven. And Draven’s like “Uhhh…” and runs off, but Lysand is like “!! >8C *faster business walk* STOP BEFORE I EAT YOU.” So Draven systematically checks every locked door down the hall until he comes across someone’s chambers and hides in there. And Lysand’s like “OMG, INCOMPETENT GUARDS,” so he follows Draven and unsheathes his rapier. So Draven’s like “(Crap.) Uhh, here I am! You’ll let me go, right?” And Lysand’s like “(OMG HE’S ARMED, I TOTALLY DIDN’T EXPECT THAT.) WHY ARE YOU HERE? >8C You better not try to kill me!” And Draven gets his sword, and he’s like “Don’t flatter yourself. =_= I’m going to the library, for information and stuff.” And Lysand’s like “A LIKELY STORY…” And Draven’s like “You’ll let me get it and leave, right?” And Lysand’s like “LOL, No. You’re being really effing suspicious.” (FINALLY, REASONABLE GROUNDS TO BE SUSPICIOUS!) And Draven’s like “You’ll let me get it and leave, right?” And Lysand’s like “LOL, NO. Tell me what you’re looking for!” And Draven’s like “OMG, FINE. Marrus Hunter! GTFO my way!” And Lysand’s like “…Who? Waitaminute, who are YOU?” And Draven’s like “Omg, Marrus is my twin! Now bitch, GET OUT THE WAY!” and he tries to stab Lysand, but Lysand blocks it and he’s like “OMG, GUARDS!” So then… Draven slashes Lysand’s shoulder as he jumps over Lysand, and then he takes off again. And Lysand’s like “OMG, BANEZ NEEDS TO STOP LEAVING BECAUSE SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENS.” And the guards come and take off after Draven, but he’s hiding behind… uhh… something. (Seriously, it doesn’t say exactly what.) And he runs off and finds the library finally, but Lysand is like “OMG, HE’S GOING TO THE LIBRARY, GUARD, COME WITH ME!” And Draven’s like “I totally didn’t think that he’d follow me into the library! This book is the one I want!” And Lysand busts into the library, and he’s like “Come out. D<” And suddenly and without remorse, Draven uses his vampiric speed to stand next to Lysand with a dagger against his throat (Banez: DDD< ASGDFKLSHK), and Lysand’s like “Oh shit.” So the guard leaves, and Draven’s like “Okay, I’m sorry about cutting you like a bitch, but I need this book.” And Lysand’s like “Wth are you?” And Draven’s like “Oh yeah, I’m a vampire.” And Lysand’s like “(OH GOD, A VAMPIRE. DDDD8) What are you going to do to your twin, turn him into a vampire, too?” And Draven’s like “LOL, no. I want to kill him. And don’t be afraid of me, because I could have killed you already if I wanted!” (Oh, that’s comforting…) CUE THE WORST TIMING EVER. Lorin comes into the library, and he’s like “OMG, LYSAND, YOUR SHOULDER, OMG, GUY WITH GOLD EYES LIKE MY DREAM, OMG, I KNOW HIM FROM THE DRAGON’S KEEP, OMG, I THINK I WET MYSELF, WHAT DO YOU WANT? DDDD8” And Lysand’s like “OMG, PRINCE LORIN, GET BACK, HE’S A VAMPIRE.” And Draven’s like “Oh snap, it’s the prince. AND I JUST WANT THIS BOOK, WHAT’S SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND?” And Lorin’s like “DDDD8 OMG, A VAMPIRE, WHAT DO YOU WANT THE BOOK FOR?” And Lysand is like “SCREW VAMPIRES, SRSLY.” And Draven’s like “I only attack in self-defense! Attack me right now!” And both Lysand and Lorin are like “*quirks brow*” But Draven is like “This book will tell me where my brother is!” (Because… it’s magical. I guess. >_> ) And Lorin’s like “KILLING FAMILY ISN’T COOL MAN. D8” And Lyand’s like “I’LL SO KILL HIM IF YOU TELL ME.” And Draven’s like “OMG, WHY DO YOU CARE? I’M JUST A VAMPIRE! AND MY BROTHER CAN EAT A DICK. I KNOW TRAVIS.” And Lorin’s like “HEY, HEY, YOU’RE COMMITTING ASSAULT AND ROBBERY. DON’T BE CALLING ME A RACIST. D8” So he tells Lysand to stand down, and Draven says that his brother has murdered people and needs to die. So Lorin’s like “Kay, you can read the book, but you need to read it in here and put it back when you’re done.” And Lysand’s like “WTF ARE YOU, THE LIBRARIAN? HE’S A VAMPIRE! Ow, this spike in blood pressure isn’t good for the bleeding…” And Draven’s like “>_> He should see a healer. Before he passes out.” And Lorin’s like “…Crap, yeah.” And Lysand’s like “I DON’T WANT A VAMPIRE HELPING ME, HE MIGHT EAT ME.” And Lorin’s like “SHUT IT, WE’RE GOING TO THE INFIRMARY.” And Draven’s like “ I’m helping!” So they go and deposit Lysand in the infirmary, and Draven’s like “(….Blood.) Prince Lorin, you should know about my brother.” And Lorin’s like “ Um, okay. Lysand, I wanna’ talk to you about your mysterious locked box later.” And Lysand’s like “@_@ Sure.” So Lorin and Draven go back to the library with a guard, and Draven’s like “Marrus was banished from Cados, btw.” And Lorin’s like “What does he want? D8” And Draven’s like “NOTHING, HE’S A CRAZY BASTARD. AND HE’LL RUIN THIS KINGDOM FROM THE INSIDE OUT BY RAPING KILLING YOU. HE’S AN IRREDEEMABLE SCUMBAG.” And Lorin’s like “There’s two of you; why can’t there be two of ME? ;_; …How did YOU get in?” And Draven’s like “>_> Weak spot in the guard shifts. Might want to take care of that before Marrus comes to rape you.” And he starts walking toward Lorin, and Lorin’s like “D8” while the guard is like “D8< Go around!” So Draven goes around and leaves the castle, and Lorin’s like “D8 …Right… need to talk to Lysand… I’m so F’ed in the A…”

Locked Box
So Lorin’s in the library, and he’s like “@_@” for a while until he leaves and sees Lysand in the infirmary. And Lysand’s like “;_; It sucks to be me—Oh hi, Prince Lorin.” And Lorin’s like “D=” And Lysand’s like “I’m fine. Omg, I can’t believe you let that vampire live.” And Lorin’s like “@_@ I don’t know, but we have to look out for Marrus now. Btw, I found a locked box and door in your room. What’s that about?” And Lysand’s like “I’M NOT TELLING.” And Lorin’s like “TELL ME, I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING. D8” And Lysand’s like “NO. ….Fine. > ” And Lorin’s like “;_; I JUST WANT TO FEEL SAFE.” And Lysand remembers his ultra-gay conversation with Banez where Lysand said he wanted to feel safe, so Lysand’s like “;__; Okay, I’m persuaded.” So the box gets brought in, and Lysand has a key on a necklace which he uses to unlock the box. It’s also revealed that Lorin used to take up a little lockpicking when he was younger. Anyway, in the box there’s a picture of Lysand’s mother and father and him as a baby, a swan pendant, a diamond ring, and a key. Also, it’s revealed that the queen was a total badass and took an assassin’s arrow to the lung to protect the king when the prince was a small child. Anyway, Lorin’s like “What’s the key for?” And Lysand’s like “…It opens the locked door.” And Lorin’s like “What’s the door lead to?” And Lysand’s like “The bedroom that I’ll totally do Banez in my father died.” (… I PROBABLY should have read the entire post before thinking stuff like that.) “And there’s a window that’s the last window he ever looked out of. Plus there’s a secret passageway into the throne room in there.” And PRAISE THE LORD, the king might actually recover from his mysterious illness in a month! (TOO BAD HE’S GONNA’ GET KILLED BY VAMPIRES.) And Lorin’s like “Secret passageway? ” And Lysand’s like “For advisor convenience, and escape I guess. I’ll show you where it is.” And Lorin’s like “(Haha… I thought it was for like… assassinations and stuff.)” And Lysand’s like “LORIN, YOU MUST TELL ME WHAT BRENTHOR TOLD YOU, AND YOUR DERKIST SEEKRITS!” And Lorin’s like “Kay” and recaps Lucid Wish and Unlikely Confidant. And Lysand’s like “Brenthor’s just confuuuused! Everything is fiiiine! It was all just a misunderstandiiiing! (LIELIELIE) But if you kill yourself, then things won’t get better.” And Lorin totally buys the lies, and he’s like “THERE’S NO ONE MY AGE TO HANG OUT WITH. IT SUCKS TO BE ME. ;_;” And Lysand’s like “After the dark, there’s dawn. That will make you feel better, right?” And Lorin’s like “Yeah, yeah, whatever. >_>” And Lysand’s like “Do you know what makes a man great?” And Lorin’s like “.. Persistence?” And Lysand’s like “LOL, no, that’s insanity. AND DON’T DISMISS MY ADVICE.” And Lorin’s like “>8C ….Love?” And Lysand’s like “(WHAT IS THIS, A DISNEY MOVIE?) Maaaybe. Let’s go for a stroll in the garden! ” And Lorin’s like “ Wut. Lysand, are you sure you aren’t going crazy from blood loss?” And Lysand’s like “I DON’T WANT TO BE IN THE INFIRMARY ANYMORE.” So Lorin’s like “Okay…” And the box gets returned under Lysand’s bed, and Lysand’s like “Okie dokie.” And Lorin’s like “Let’s go.” And Lysand is like “The flower are pretty. <3” And Lorin is like “Yeah. I’m sick of being stuck here. ;_;” And Lysand’s like “You can visit other countries while you go do stuff.” Blah blah blah, Lysand used to travel places with Brenthor when they were friends, but Lysand and Lorin wouldn’t leave Cados to live somewhere else, but Lorin wants to get away for a while. And Lysand’s like “Banez could escort you (and me) places when he’s back. …Hey, have you ever read about a heaven on earth? >_>” And Lorins’ like “Not really… Yina, I guess?” And Lysand’s like “>_> I wonder if God would let us there anyway. Like the Garden of Eden, where did that go?” And Lorin’s like “Well, God DOES put stuff places and expects us not to go there or eat from stuff…” And Lysand’s like “Whatev’s. (Banez will probably make me look for it anyway.) So what did Draven tell you about Marrus?” And Lorin’s like “That he’s going to raaaape meeee. ;_;” And Lysand’s like “Poppycock!”
THE END.

Death's Presence
So Aria’s back from collecting a grand total of like, twelve werecats, and she goes to Yina for a break, but then she sees it burned and sees the corpses of the worshippers. And Aria’s like “OMG, WUT. DDDD8” And she sniffs around and smells werewolves, so she’s like “OMG, WEREWOLVES. DD8<” And apparently EVERYONE Aria looks at has their mouths open in a dead scream (srsly, find other descriptive positions, HARHUNT IS BORED WITH THIS IMAGERY), and Aria takes an amulet of Bast’s image from one of the worshippers that has blood on it, for proof to Chey, I guess. And then she’s like “OMG, MOURNING FOR THE DEAD IS HUMILIATING” (…wut.) and then she runs off to Feryn.

Puss in Boots
(Alright, let’s see what we got going in Cados’ marketplace—HOLY SHIT, THAT’S A LOT OF WRITING.) Basically, Chota is broke, a lying little bastard, an idiot for not blood-marking his clothes (except his boots, go figure), and has to find them in an alleyway where someone peed on them. Loser. (SERIOUSLY, TOO MUCH TIME BEING WRAPPED IN YOURSELF.) So Elliot comes and he’s like “Uhh, hi.” And Chota’s like “Oh, I’m just… getting high! ; With the rats.” And Elliot’s like “(OH, YOU’RE A WERECAT). Lol, a rat peed on your tunic. Here, have a coin you poor bastard. I don’t want to deal with crowds.” So Chota’s like “SCORE. I’M GOING TO LEAVE-WAIT. GOING TO LEAVE-WAIT. I’m a bowyer, BUT SCREW MY PROFESSIONAL TRADE, BEING A BUM IS BETTER. I’LL SHOW YOU HOW TO AVOID CROWDS.” (Uhh, who the hell had the patience to teach you anything?) And Elliot’s like “(Lol, not a very good bowyer if you have to beg for money) Okay.” But first, Chota goes and buys a new tunic, then comes back and is all “I’m soooo hot, look at the muscles on my legs~ (OH, YOU’RE A WERECAT.)” So they introduce themselves, and Elliot’s like “Honey, a dark tunic would look sooo much better on you~” And Chota’s like “My skin is sexy. I go to taverns a lot. Anyway, where you off to?” And Elliot’s like “>_> The Stubborn Boar, why not.” So Chota is like “Yeah! It’s… uh… this way. ” So then he climbs a pile of crates and grabs a sign bar, climbs on that, and jumps onto the roof. And Elliot’s like “Kay” and follows. So then they go and do parkour Assassin’s Creed-style on the rooftops. And Chota tries to insult Elliot’s manhood by trying to get him to cross a clothesline like an idiot, but Elliot’s like “lol, no, find another way. Bitch.” So Chota makes Elliot climb down a ladder and then go across to a barred window. After some more roof-jumping, they get onto the street again in front of the Stubborn Boar, and Elliot beats Chota there and he’s like “lol, you’re still on the roof.” (Whoo, Elliot!) So Chota’s like “>8’C (You cheated.)” And Elliot’s like “Lol, loser. I feel bad for how pathetic you are, so I’ll buy you a drink.” So then they go into the tavern.

The Usual
So Elliot goes into the tavern and gets an ale, playing it as more f*ckin’ mysterious than it is, and then he thinks about cheating Elliot of money by getting a more expensive drink, but Elliot comes in and he’s like “I have a spending limit, bitch. So do you just suck at your job, or do you just suck at your job?” And Fang lends little to the roleplay at first by describing the most unnecessary action of Chota just listening to other people; I guess to fill up space, God knows why. So Chota’s like “Oh pity me, I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘advertisement’ so people won’t buy my bows! And my father died, so I feel obligated to keep his business! (Apparently lie!)” And Elliot’s like “Maybe if you spend less time up on the roofs… Also ‘advertisement’ (But, you know, I’m a grave-robber so… >_> (But if you died, I’d steal your body so hard)).” (Haha, Lord knows he has nothing else of value on him.) But Chota’s all f*ckin’ whiny and he’s like “I don’t WANT to make a demonstration about my bows!” And apparently Chota’s father isn’t actually dead. So Elliot’s like “Whatever, man! Go beg in alleyways, see if I care. So, you hear anything juicy lately?” And Chota actually ends up deciding to be an information broker for the moment (*new interest in Chota* Hawt. Do this more often!), and offers to share interesting news to Elliot at a price. And Elliot’s like “Haha, eff you. No more free ale for you.” And Chota’s like “3= WELL, YOUR LOSS. So, you hear anything interesting?” And Elliot’s like “NOOOOOTHIIIING. But really, there’s like an army gathering and stuff.”

Playing with Fire
So Chey is at Bast’s Waterfall, and she only wrangled up eleven werecats (so that comes out to like 23), so she’s like “;_; I’m a failure. No one follows me.” AND THEN GUESS WHO SHOWS UP? Anyway, Harrier is RAGING, and he follows Chey’s scent and charges her and pins her up against a wall, and he’s like “WHORE, I WILL RAPE CUT YOU IF YOU DON’T TELL ME WHERE SHE IS.” And Baba comes and GRABS HIS ALPHA AND THROWS HIM TO THE GROUND (Dude, do you WANT him to look like an idiot??) And Kahjit grabs Baba and throws him off, and he’s like “(DON’T UNDERMINE OUR LEADER’S AUTHORITY IN FRONT OF THE WERECATS!)” And either Tuari is an idiot (not surprising) or Arrow is purposefully making Mishaw seem incompetent at her job, because Indigo points out that Tuari is NOT fit for traveling, but anyway, the twins come. To be useless. Greeaat. Anyway, Chey’s like “Who are you talking about?? D8” And Harrier’s like “OMG, WE KNOW YOU KIDNAPPED YESZLIN. AND BABA, YOU EVER THROW ME AGAIN, I’LL CUT YOU LIKE A BITCH. D8<” And Baba’s like “Bitch, I taught you everything you know. D8<” And Kahjit’s like “(BABA, SAVE IT, SRSLY.)” And Chey’s like “I HAVEN’T TOUCHED YESZLIN. DDD8” Anyway, Aria comes, and she’s pissed and waves the bloody amulet in Harrier’s face, and she’s like “YOU KILLED THEM, YOU BASTARD!” And she reports the destruction of Yina to Chey, so Chey has a flashback about her old student while they were messing around in Yina or something, and she’s like “OMG, YOU DESTROYED YINA, HOW DARE YOU, YOU BITCH!” And Harrier’s like “MY BLOOD PRESSURE… IS GOING TO EXPLODE…” But Chey also calls Yeszlin a mutt, so Harrier’s like “*EXPLODES* WHORE, I’LL END YOU! DDD8< WEREWOLVES DIDN’T TOUCH YINA.” And Baba’s like “D8” And Kahjit’s like “D8” And Aria’s like “DD8< LIAR. GTFO. WE DON’T HAVE YESZLIN.” And Chey’s like “BITCH, PLEASE. YOU’RE A WHORE.” And Harrier’s like “OMG, WE DIDN’T TOUCH YINA, YOU STUPID WHORES. AND WTF, THERE WERE THIRTY WERECATS IN YINA, THAT’S SUSPICIOUS. BABA, STOP BEING USELESS AND NEGOTIATE.” Anyway, Baba says that if the crimes were done by renegade wereanimals, then they need to hold responsibility and bring them to justice, and then suggests that the evidence they have is wrong, for no reason. And Kahjit’s like “Evidence isn’t wrong, that’s why they call it ‘evidence’. >=/” So Aria’s like “We should look into the Yina massacre. I HAS MY DAGGERS OUT.” And Chey’s like “I HAS MY DAGGER OUT TOO. GOING TO YINA IS A TRAP.” And Harrier’s like “NUH-UH, I HAS HONOR. I’m going to Yina!” And Baba’s like “Me too! I’m a priest, apparently!” And then Ami (THE WERECATS HAVE A (aspiring) GUARD CAPTAIN NOW, WHOO.) And she’s like “I have katanas! Look how Asian I am! And WAAAHHH, FIGHTING IS WROOOONG! KILLING EACH OTHER IS WROOOONG! I agree that the werecats didn’t do anything wrong!” And Kahjit’s like “Well no shit you think you didn’t do anything wrong. >=/ But it’s not as though werecats have strong loyalty anyway.” (OOHHH, BUUUURNED.) “Are we forgetting that Yeszlin is still here?” And Harrier’s like “OH, RIGHT, YESZLIN.” And Aria’s like “I’ll stay here with Kahjit while he looks, while you all go to Yina.” And Chey’s like “I’m repeating information!” And Harrier’s like “Yeah, all that.” So Harrier and Baba leave, and Ami’s like “I WIELD KATANAS! RAWR! I’M BLOODTHIRSTY! I’M SO BLOODTHIRSTY! I DON’T EVEN SEE WHAT’S GOING AROUND ME IN BATTLE AND I’M IMAGINING KILLING THE WEREWOLF CAPTAIN RIGHT NOW, THAT’S HOW BLOODTHIRSTY I AM! Inattentiveness and general dumbfuckery are good traits in a general, right?” (*multiple facepalms* REMIND ME WHY CHEY APPOINTED THE CHICK WHO TRIES TO TEACH HER SOLDIERS FUCKING NINJITSU AGAIN? And wait, wasn’t she against the violence just the round before? PICK A PERSONALITY.) And Kahjit’s like “See ya.” So everyone breaks off, and Ami is an idiot.

Confrontation
So, Draven sends Ashemir a love letter saying that Marrus is creepin’ around in Issilt. Two seconds later, we’re treated to a fight scene where Draven is getting the snot beaten out of him by Marrus. Marrus stabs Draven in the side with a dagger that’s coated in poison, which is like… deadly to vampires. (I don’t know, just go with it. @_@) So Marrus throws Draven at the door, and Ashemir’s like “Lalalala, I’m writing, and I TOTALLY don’t find Seriah playing his lute sexy, in the least. Nope. OH SHIT, SOMEONE’S AT THE DOOR.” And Seriah’s at his desk atm, so he’s like “wtf was that?” So Ashemir opens the door and finds Draven and Marrus, and he’s like “Oh snap.” And Seriah’s like “WELL, I’m going to have to kill Marrus now.” And Draven’s like “;_; Marrus is scary.” And Marrus is like “GIVE HIM TO ME TO RAPE. >D” And Ashemir’s like “LOL no. >C” And Seriah’s like “He’s MY agent, whore.” And Marrus proves to be the most anti-climactic bad guy in history, because he’s like “Okay then!” and walks off. Granted, under the threat he’ll come back later when Draven’s at the point of death, but come on! Anyway, Ashemir gets Draven inside, and he’s like “wth did he do to you?” And Seriah’s like “Something about poison. I can invent the first blood transfusion if that’s cool with you guys. =D” And Draven’s like “;_; Vampire poison that slows our healing to human speed, and then kill us if the wounds don’t.” (But that doesn’t make sens—…Right, we’re letting this go.) And apparently the blood transfusion idea won’t work (LAME), so Ashemir yanks the dagger out, because APPARENTLY DRAVEN DIDN’T PULL IT OUT THE FIRST CHANCE HE GOT. And Seriah puts some makeshift bandages on Draven, but Draven is being a total pussy and he’s like “;__; I’M USELESS, GO ON WITHOUT ME, I’M NOT IMPORTANT, I SUUUCK.” And Ashemir’s like “GOD, COULD YOU TURN ME OFF ANY LESS? D<” But he pushes Draven down and starts sucking the poison out through his dick wound. And Seriah’s like “(;_; Can I get poisoned, plz?) You need to keep an eye on Valmar, so uh, no, we aren’t going to let you die.” And Draven’s still being all whiny and he’s like “THAT HUUURTS.” And Ashemir’s like “(I’m SO not cleaning this up…)” And Seriah’s like “(I’m SO not letting Draven bleed on my bed.)” And Draven’s like “Are you done sucking me, Ashemir? Go get me a sandwich.” And Ashemir’s like “I can’t taste anything.” Also, Ashemir does not swallow. (OKAY, OKAY, I’M DONE. *shields self*) Anyway, Seriah’s like “We’ll get you food later,” and he sets the couch up for Draven while he gives Ashemir supplies to clean Draven’s wounds. And Draven’s like “I clean mah own wounds?” And Ashemir’s like “LOL no. I’m the nurse, here.” So Seriah’s like “Soooo, why is Draven’s brother trying to kill him?” And Draven explains that Marrus blames Draven for being turned, and turning him broke his brain and made him batshit insane. And Draven’s like “Oh yeah, and he doesn’t hide himself. OMG, I FEEL SO HOT.” And Ashemir’s like “GREEAAT. OH SHIT, YOU ARE HOT.” And Seriah’s like “=_= Stupid whore better not expose us.” And Draven’s like “;_; I SHOULDN’T HAVE COME HERE, I’VE JUST BEEN A PAIN IN THE ASS TO EVERYONE.” And Ashemir’s like “So what! You might regret ANYTHING you do! Now shut up and let us throw you on the couch! (OMG Draven’s refusal to eat humans is annoying!)” And Seriah’s like “(lol, Ashemir pep talk) Onto the couch you go!” And Draven’s like “;_; I visited the castle, and everyone’s racist, so I don’t care about not eating humans now. >c” And Ashemir’s like “Uhhh YEAH, everyone’s racist.” And Seriah’s like “=_= Vampires need to NOT poke around the castle while we’re staging a revolution.” Blah blah blah, Draven recaps Unwelcome Company, and Lysand basically makes him want to eat humans. (DAMMIT LYSAND.) Oh, and he also said that Lorin released him without ordering his destruction, so Seriah’s like “(Well that’s nice, but we’re still going to have to kill him.)” And Draven’s also like “What would this poison do to a wereanimal?” And Ashemir’s like “We don’t have the resources to test it.” (It also doesn’t matter because since wereanimals are LIVING, you’d just use REGULAR POISON.) Seriah is also like “Don’t go back to the castle and alert them more. >c But you could give them false tips on where are troops are.” And Draven’s like “I’m tiiiired!” So he konks out, and Ashemir’s like “…So what now?” And Seriah’s like “We take turns watching for Marrus the Douchebag.” Outside, Marrus is looking through the window, and he’s like “I’m here to raaaape youuuuu!” And Ashemir’s like “ASHGLKSAKL.” So Seriah’s like “>C” and goes outside with his sword and he’s like “DON'T YOU BE THREATENIN' MY HOES.” And Ashemir’s like “Mmm, yah, you threaten him, Seriah.” And Marrus is like “LOL, are you going to fight me for Draven? He’s useless!” And Seriah’s like “Still got value to me, whore! And I’d like it if you were DEAD.” And Marrus is like “But I need to document my wooooork! *whine* Give me Draven, plz?” And Ashemir’s like “BLOOD MAKES THE ROSES GROW!” And Seriah’s like “Fuck you. =)” And Marrus is like “WELL HE’S GOING TO DIE ANYWAY. YOU’RE DUMB.” And Ashemir’s like “YOU’RE A BITCH.” And Marrus steps RIGHT NEXT TO SERIAH, so Seriah STABS him, and he’s like “BITCH, I’LL CUT YOU (AGAIN)!” And Marrus again proves to be the most anti-climactic villain EVER, because he’s like “Oh, you cut me. I’m going to leave now.” And he leaves. And Ashemir’s like “I HOPE IT RAINS ON YOU.” So Seriah’s like “>_< I don’t like that guy dicking around in my ‘hood.” And he and Ashemir go back inside, presumably taking turns watching Draven and looking out for Marrus. (ALSO I GOT THE 4000TH POST.)

Battlefield 1: Red Greeting
(REALLY LONG, BUT VITAL TO THE PLOT.)
So at the base of the mountain, Banez is waiting for the wereanimals with his troops, but we can all guess why they aren’t showing up, now, can’t we? Anyway, he orders around some commanders and brings his sexy bitches Simon and Cruz with him along with nine nameless NPCs to just search for signs of vampires. Meanwhile, Valmar is totally Black Knight from Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance-status with his black armor and red cape on the mountain outside, and his sexy bitch Brutus is reporting to him while his sexy bitch Tartus is in the caves ready to blast Banez with a motherfucking FLAMETHROWER. So Banez’ group enters the cave, and Valmar’s sexy bitch Alexis gets the siege weapons ready (AGHASKAHSLG WHAT?? UNFAIR.) And Zephyr’s there (*groans*) and she’s like “lol, humans are dumb!” Anyway, in the cave, there’s like a… wall mouse trap of spikes, in the rock… and it crushes a human soldier’s arm, so Banez is like “OKAY, screw this cave, we’re going home!” But Alexis tells the siege weapons to fire, and Tartus is like “BITCHES DON’T GET TO LEAVE. D<” and fires up the flamethrower. But knights block dragon breath with their shields all the time, so Banez is alright and his group runs out to the sounds of Banez’ army getting raped. And Zephyr’s like “Where’s the mercenary you hired?” And Valmar’s like “I dunno… tapping hot blonde ass or something. He doesn’t like hurting humans.” And Zephyr’s like “PFFT, LOSER.” And then Valmar’s trebuchets fire EXPLOSIVE SHELLS (FFFFFFFF—UNFAIR!!), and Banez is like “WTF ARE THOSE?? DD8 RUN AWAY!” And Banez goes temporarily deaf from the explosion, so his sexy bitch Simon gets him to mount his horse and assumes his hot, sexy position as second-in-command. And Valmar’s like “They’re retreating… TIME TO RAPE!” And Zephyr’s like “”. So Brutus’ force meets the human one, and we’re treated to Simon VS. Brutus. And there’s like… vampires with crossbows killing retreating soldiers, and they’re all vampires, so they’re just raping the human soldiers; it’s not even fair. But Valmar’s like “CLASH, CLASH, BOOM, SCRAPE, GENERAL VALMAR HAS COME TO RAPE,” and HIS force comes down the mountain to double-team Banez’ force. Back with Simon and Brutus, Simon’s like “WHORE, let us alone! D<” And Brutus is like “NO, YOU,” and throws a knife at Simon, which Simon dodges by placing himself on the ground. So Zephyr thinks she can take like six guys at once, but my soldiers aren’t THAT retarded, so she can’t and gets hit in the side, and Cruz tries to shoot her in the face. But Valmar goes and rapes those guys and starts chasing after Cruz, but Banez sees Cruz and he’s like “CHARGE!” and goes to stab Valmar in the face and trample Zephyr. But Valmar CUTS OFF BANEZ’ HORSE’S LEGS and he’s like “TIME TO RAPE BANEZ.” And Zephyr’s like “YAY, RAPE!” And to Banez, Valmar’s like “You’re stupid!” And Banez is like “ =< OMG I DIDN’T KNOW THAT I DIDN’T KNOW.” And Valmar’s like “>D Lol, you and your kingdom are fucked.” And Banez is like “D< THEN I’LL SAVE IT.” Initiate Banez VS. Valmar. Back to Brutus and Simon, they’re rolling around on the ground trying to stab each other, until Brutus throws Simon into a tree, and Simon tries to stab his throat, and then they’re BOTH trying to stab each other’s throats, and Simon trips Brutus and tries to get his halberd, but Brutus doesn’t take that and STABS Simon’s leg and pulls him back to him, and climbs on top of him (OH GOD, HE’S GOING TO RAPE SIMON.) and he’s like “I’M GOING TO RAPE EAT YOU. >D” (SAME DIFFERENCE, THERE’S PENETRATION AND AN EXCHANGE OF FLUIDS.) But then TRAVIS COMES! And he knocks Brutus out and saves Simon, and he’s like “OMG, WHERE’S BANEZ?” And Simon’s like “D8 I DUNNO, MAN.” So Travis is like “ARG. YOU ESCAPE, I’MMA GO FIND BANEZ IN THIS MESS.” Back to Banez and Valmar, Zephyr is watching, but then Banez’ sexy bitch Trevor comes over and he’s like “GONNA’ SPLIT YOUR HEAD OPEN!” And Zephyr’s like “DODGE, OW, MY SHOULDER.” And she lifts her stupidly huge sword up and Trevor’s like “Jukie! …Jukie! …Jukie!” And Zephyr’s like “You’re a coward!” And Trevor’s like “Lol, not my fault you suck!” And Zephyr’s like “Humans sneak around and cheat!” And Trevor’s like “Uh, hello? This battle?” THEN GUESS WHO SNEAKS UP ON TREVOR? Tartus comes and jumps Trevor and starts choking him like a bitch, which frees up Zephyr to watch the fight again. So Banez and Valmar are blocking and striking, until Valmar hits Banez in the back, and then they’re fighting some more, and Valmar’s like “YOUR KINGDOM FAILS.” And Banez is like “NO, YOU.” And Valmar is like “NO, YOU.” And Banez is like “Humans are awesome!” as he strikes Valmar in the back of the knee, and Valmar’s like “You’re a worthy opponent. That’ll just make raping you more satisfying!” So Banez is like “!” and goes in to hit the inside of Valmar’s elbow, and they’re fighting some more, and Valmar’s like “Too bad you aren’t a vampire!” And Banez is like “!! BITCH, YOU WON’T TURN ME. D<” But Valmar hits Banez again in the back and tears his armor bad, and Banez falls on the ground and it hurts him to move, but he still tries to stay on the defensive. Back to Trevor and Tartus, Zephyr is like “I could slit Trevor’s throat if I had a dagger! I didn’t come prepared because I TOTALLY didn’t expect close combat during a BATTLE!” (And you think you can take Valmar on? Really? She also has a barbed whip, BECAUSE NO FEMALE CHARACTER IS COMPLETELY EQUIPPED WITHOUT ONE.) So Banez and Trevor are both like “Oh God, we’re gonna’ die…” And Tartus snaps Trevor’s neck, and Valmar’s like “Last words before I rape you? >D” AND THEN TRAVIS COMES! And he shoots Valmar in the hand and saves Banez, and they start escaping. And Travis is like “FFFF- YOU ATTACKED THE VAMPIRES?” And Banez is like “NO, they attacked ME!” And Travis is like “Oh snap!” And they escape into the forest, where Simon and Cruz are. Cruz hangs back to snipe out a few pursuers like a badass before escaping. Back to Valmar, Zephyr’s like “OH SNAP, that arrow got you good!” And Valmar’s like “D< WHO THE HELL WAS THAT.” So Tartus starts going after them, and Zephyr’s like “That’s Travis. Ashemir was hanging out with him. Did I mention Ashemir was hanging out with the enemy?” (FFFFFFF--!!!) And Valmar’s like “I’M SO RAPING ASHEMIR LATER. Go capture Banez and bring him to me alive,” (WHAT DO YOU WANT HIM ALIVE FOR?? D8 ) “I don’t care what you do to the ranger. Just like… rape him or kill him, or whatever you people do.” So Zephyr goes to follow Tartus into the woods, and then Valmar makes a big pep talk to the vampire army about not hiding anymore and taking over the humans and blah blah blah their needs.

Nowhere to Run
So Travis brings Simon and Banez to his cabin in the forest near Tiaelde’s mountain, and Travis strips Banez down (mmm, yah) to tend to the wound on his back. Simon proves to be self-reliant and goes to patch up his calf injury himself. The rest of Banez’ men have marched on to get the hell back to Cados, and Banez is like “;_; How did you know we were getting raped?” And Analisia walks in and she was like “Cuz we were nearby and heard. Btw, I kept your men safe from vampires as they fled the other way.” And Travis is like “Yeah, what she said.” And then he puts an oil salve on Banez’ body wound, and he introduces everyone. And Banez is like “Well, I totally owe you two sexual favors now. Btw, that’s Simon.” And Simon’s like “(Heh, Analisia’s hot.)” So Analisia’s like “So, uh, why did you attack the vampires?” And Travis is like “WE’LL STOP THE VAMPIRES! *RIGHTEOUS!*” So Banez recaps Troubling Matters and recounts all the unfair weaponry that the vampires have, and he’s like “The wereanimals didn’t come. ;_;” And Analisia’s like “OMG WHY DIDN’T THE WEREWOLVES COME? D8 WHAT IF MY PACK IS HURT? WE NEED TO CHECK ON THEM.” But Travis is like “But… vampires ready for war! We need to go back to Cados!” And Banez is like “D8 I have to go back to Cados. Then we check on werewolves.” So Analisia and Travis are like “Kay, Banez, we’ll escort you. Because you’re fluffy.” And Banez is like “<3” But OHHHH SNAP, Tartus is outside, and he brought three guys with him, plus Zephyr (*groans*), so yeah, it’s basically 4 guys, 2 injured, versus 5 guys. And Travis is like “Analisia’s accountability is sexy. I have weapons on my table.” And Banez is like “I want my breastplate, but I can’t wear it. ;_;” And Analisia and Travis are like “Leave it, it sucks now.” Blah blah blah, they organize themselves, and Travis is like “Ana, you should get a better weapon. ;_;” And Analisia’s like “Travis, I turn into a wolf. =_=” but gets a short sword anyway, and Travis is like “Oh, right.” Anyway, Travis is like “We’ll go to Riyer, and then ride to Cados like a rapist is behind us.” And Banez is like “And let’s disguise our scent! D8” So Analisia gets some smoke sticks and makes her reverse-harem smell like werewolves. And then Simon and Analisia look outside and they’re like “Ruh roh, vampires” And Analisia’s like “Travis, you elope escape with Banez out the window.” But Banez is like “D8 Crucifix” and grabs the crucifix hanging above Travis’ bed. Outside, Zephyr is like “Oh no, I smell a werewolf. It’d be better if we had silver on us!” And Tartus is like “DON’T ATTACK UNTIL I TELL YOU, SRSLY. YOU WHORES, GO SURROUND THE HOUSE.” Back inside, Banez tells Simon to hold the fort with Analisia, and Analisia’s like “Lol, Banez make sure Travis doesn’t get stabbed.” And Travis is like “Lol, Simon, don’t be pantin’ after my gf.” So Simon’s like “Lol. =D” So they split off, and Analisia starts poking around outside the front door, and she’s like “OMFG, VAMPIRES. PLUS ZEPHYR??! DD<” And then… things get a little hectic. So Travis and Banez go out the window, but a vampire named George (Snrrrrrkk.. his name is George. X3 ) attacks Travis, and Zephyr runs off to attack Banez, but Banez blocks and holds the crucifix out at George, and George is like “”, and Analisia’s like “ZEPHYR BITCH, MUST KILL! TRAVIS, GET OFF YOUR ASS.” So Travis gets off his ass and kills George, and Simon is like “OH SHI-- *WHISTLES*” And Tartus is like “DDD< WHORES, I TOLD YOU NOT TO ATTACK.” But he and his sexy bitches Demitri and Harris triple-team Simon, but Simon’s like “OH GOD!” and closes the door and barricades it with Travis’ table. And another sexy bitch Maxis attacks Travis (Wait… but… the math…), after a little fighting, he gets stabbed in the throat and decapitated. (There, that’s better.) Back to the catfight, Analisia jumps Zephyr, and Zephyr’s like “Oh hai. (I’m screwed…)” (AND YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE ON VALMAR?) And Analisia’s like “Look, I’m moving my daggers. Woosh, woosh… You’re a slut!” And Zephyr’s like “Oh no, my back is to the cabin!” And then she… does a backflip or something, I guess, because then he has her back to the open (FUCK YOU AVI, AND FUCK YOU ZEPHYR, YOU’RE NOT ANIME CHARACTERS. *STRANGLES*). And Analisia’s like “HAHA, I’M GOING TO STAB YOU.” But Zephyr dodges, and she stabs Analisia in the side, AND tries to knock a dagger from Ana’s hand, AND THEN she… jumps at Ana and I guess we have to assume she’s attacking in SOME form, because it doesn’t actually say. (Also, TOO MANY MOVES IN ONE BATTLE POST.) And Analisia’s like “Oh no, I’m stabbed, but eff you, I didn’t drop my dagger!” And she rolls under Zephyr when the stupid bitch jumps and then gets up to drop a Chuck Norris kick to Zephyr’s side. (TAKE THAT YOU STUPID BITCH.) Back in the house, Tartus jumps through a window and jumps Simon, but Simon works some halberd magic and throws Tartus into a wall, but that lets Demitri and Harris in, and they dogpile Simon. (And then their clothes disappeared… oh wait.) And Simon’s like “D8” and grabs a dagger that used to be on Travis’ table and stabs Harris in the throat and he’s like “OH GOD, HELP.” AND THEN TRAVIS COMES! And he shoots an arrow in Harris’ face, but Demitri throws Simon into the stove and starts raping beating the snot him. And Banez is like “DD8 MY SEXY BITCH SIMON!” and runs to help him. Back to the catfight, Ana’s like “Oh noes, Simon. BANEZ, DON’T GET HURT, YOU’RE FLUFFY. D8” And then… Zephyr slashes and pushes Ana onto her back, and then stabs down while she grabs Ana’s shirt and… shoves her back again? (Dude, STILL TOO MANY MOVES IN ONE POST, THIS IS JUST GETTING CONFUSING.) And Ana’s blocks the sword swipes, and she’s like “Lol, you suck!” Blah blah blah, Zephyr still does way too many attacks per post than is acceptable and starts monologing about every little thing, and in the middle of it, she thinks that even though she’s short, she’s sexy (EW EW EW, YOU LOOK 14 AND ACT 12. YOU’RE NOT MENTALLY FIT FOR ANYTHING OF THE SORT. (SCIPIO’S A PEDO AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED.)). So Zephyr punches Ana in the face, and then Ana decides that she’s sick of only landing a kick on Zephyr when Zephyr gets away with all sorts of BS moves, and turns into a wolf to TEAR ZEPHYR THE FUCK APART (At least, I wish. “Little tears in her clothing”? Seriously, Marquis? GO FOR THE BIG GUNS. TRY TO TEAR THE BITCH’S FUCKING HEART OUT WITH YOUR TEETH. SOMETHING!!) At any rate, Zephyr’s like “I’M GONNA’ GET RAPED! DD8” and kicks Analisia off, and Analisia’s like “RRRRR…. D<” Back in the house, Travis is like “GOING TO KILL DEMITRI!” But Tartus comes THE FUCK OUTTA’ NOWHERE, and he’s like “ARG, GOING TO KILL YOU.” And Banez comes up behind Demitri and goes “DECAPITATIIOOOOOON!” And Simon’s like “;_; Ow.” And Travis and Tartus fight a little until Travis punches Tartus and throws him into A MOTHERFUCKIN’ FIRE. And Banez jumps right on that and traps Tartus in the fire using the table with Travis’ help, because THAT’S HOW THEY FUCKING ROLL, BURNING VAMPIRES ALIVE. I wish, anyway, because Tartus climbs up the chimney like a backwards Santa Claus, WHILE STILL ON FIRE, and takes off running away from the cabin. So Zephyr sees Tartus running and goes to follow him, but then she throws a silver dagger at Analisia. (--WAIT. WAIT FOR ONE COTTON-FUCKING-PICKING MINUTE. YOU ESTABLISHED AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS FIGHT THAT YOU WISHED YOU HAD SILVER WEAPONS. YOU JUST PULLED THAT DAGGER OUT OF YOUR ASS. AND THEN THE ONLY HIT ANA REALLY ONLY GETS ON YOU IS ONE ROUND-HOUSE KICK? (And let’s not kid ourselves, the chest attack was described as FUCK NOTHIN’.) *readies pimp hand and strikes Blue with it* >8C ) And so Analisia gets hit with the stupid knife and goes over to the cabin and collapses, and Banez is like “Oh noes, Simon. D8 Oh noes, Analisia!” And Travis is like “FFFFFF--!!!” and tries to treat Analisia, but Analisia has to be all macho and treat it herself, and she’s like “I’M GONNA FUCKIN’ KILL ZEPHYR.” And Travis is like “Okay people, we need to GOOOOO.” And Banez is like “D8 Kay.” And then they GOOOOO!

[Ashemir Draemis]

Fallout
So Lysand is looking out a window and is watching a grand total of TWENTY soldiers come back to the castle, and he’s like “OH GOD, BANEZ ISN’T THERE, I’M NOT GONNA’ CRY-- ;____;” And… it’s kind of soul-crushing. Cut to the advisor’s lounge after all the soldiers recap Battlefield 1 to Lysand, Lysand is like “Well, this sucks.” And Brenthor’s like “This sucks?? This SUCKS?? This FUCKIN’ sucks! Vampires are everywhere! The wereanimals didn’t show up!” And Lysand’s like “And who’s fault is THAT, Mr. I’m Going To Take Credit For Stuff I Didn’t Do?” And Brenthor’s like “Banez’! OH, BUT BANEZ IS DEAD. LOSER.” And the minor advisors are like “*look at Lysand* 8C” And Lysand’s like “(OMFG I’M GONNA KILL YOU, FATASS.) YOU’RE AMBASSADOR, YOUR FAULT.” And Brenthor’s like “NUH-UH. BANEZ SUCKS FOR GETTING KILLED.” And some douche advisor is like “HOW DID WE NOT KNOW THERE WERE SO MANY VAMPIRES?” And Lysand is like “(OMG, KILL.) DUMBASS, THAT’S WHY WE WERE INVESTIGATING IN THE FIRST PLACE.” And Brenthor’s like “Oh snap, we have to prepare for war.” And Lysand’s like “Yeeep.” But one idiot advisor’s like “NAHHHH, THE VAMPIRES WILL JUST STAY THERE.” And Lysand’s like “Uh, no.” And Brenthor’s like “Omg, their numbers will get bigger and they’ll go to Cados.” And another idiot advisor’s like “NAHHHH, they won’t attack Cados!” And Lysand’s like “OMG, YOU GUYS, STOP BEING DOUCHES, WE AREN’T ABANDONING THE OTHER CITIES, SRSLY.” And Brenthor’s like “I AGREE WITH LYSAND.” (OH MY GOD.) And Lysand’s like “But we do need to keep most of our dudes in Cados…. >_>” And Brenthor’s like “Yeah…. I’mma try to talk to the wereanimals again.” And Lysand’s like “Yeah, you go do that.” (IS ANYONE AS SHOCKED AS ME THAT THEY’RE GETTING ALONG?) And yet ANOTHER idiot advisor’s like “DUUUR, ATTACK THE MOUNTAIN?” And Brenthor’s like “NO.” And Lysand’s like “Okay, we can’t do anything else until Lorin and sexy bitch Cruz are here.” And Brenthor’s like “I’M GONNA GO NOW. I can’t plot to kill Lysand and take his position if there’s no more kingdom!” So they goooo, and Lysand goes to his room and starts mourning over Banez some more. (*soul crushed*)

Desperate Wish
So Lorin has another nightmare where the sexy vampire drags him to what I can only assume is hell, while he seems to have an unconscious flip-flopping. Anyway, he goes and drinks himself silly again and goes into Brenthor’s room, where Brenthor is like “MUST… SAVE… KINGDOM… Who’s there—OH GOD DAMMIT, NOT AGAIN.” And Lorin’s like “;___;” and just starts crying from the get-go. (At the very least, we’re not pussyfooting around the fact that this is a ‘baby Lorin’ thread!) And Brenthor’s like “Oh nooo… what’s the problem? =_=” And Lorin still proves to have the more epic slurring EVER, but he also starts acting like a fucking nutcase and referring to himself as the third person while lamenting on failing Tier. And Brenthor’s like “(Why is this happening to me?) How did you fail Tier?” And Lorin’s like “I SAID I’D MAKE THE WORLD HE WANTED. LORIN WOULDN’T BE SCARED. LORIN’S PERFECT.” And Brenthor’s like “Wtf, crazy.” And Lorin’s like “TIER COULD THINK OF SOMETHING TO DO IF HE TRIED.” And Brenthor’s like “>_> There’s nothing to think of, really.” And Lorin’s like “I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE.” And Brenthor’s like “(You’re a whiny, pathetic, spoiled--) Stop crying and look at yourself. >c” But Lorin’s still a fucking nutcase and he’s like “BUT I DO. I ONLY SEE HALF OF MYSELF. IS LORIN EVEN REAL?” And Brenthor’s like “(OMG I WANT TO STAB YOU.) YES, YOU’RE REAL. YOU’RE RIGHT HERE. If you’re not Lorin, who the eff are you??” And Lorin’s like “I DON’T KNOOOOW. ;__;” And Brenthor’s like “@_@ Think about it when you’re… you know, not drunk. Uhh… there there. *hug* This is how you comfort someone, right?” And Lorin’s just like “*SOOOB*” Then Brenthor gets Lorin some water and is like “Must… not… throw water… into prince’s face… And don’t throw up on my floor again.” And Lorin’s like “;__; You’re probably working, and I’m just being lame…” And Brenthor’s like “I’ll escort you back to your room. (Omg, did I just offer to do that—Fuck.)” And Lorin’s like “Kay… ;_____;” And Brenthor’s like “Yeah. And I’ll stay with you a while. (GAH, I HATE MYSELF.)” And Lorin’s like “Kay. ;___;” And so Brenthor escorts Lorin back to his chambers.

Albatross
So Lysand is practicing his mad rapier skillz (lol) on a dummy in the training room until he reopens the wound on his shoulder. Oh, did I mention he’s shirtless and has a sexy scar from the last stab he got? Ooohhh yeahhhh. So Brenthor comes in and he’s like “Tobias, wtf r u doin?” And Lysand’s like “ Training. =_=” And then Brenthor is looking at Lysand’s body (Banez: DD< ) and he’s like “(I’m TOTALLY not attracted to Lysand. Nope. Not in the least.) You should be in the infirmary.” And Lysand is like “(EWEWEW Brenthor kissy germs!)” (Ashemir: ;_; *shares spoon for ice cream*) “I’M NOT GOING EFFIN’ BACK TO THE INFIRMARY. WAR, MAN!” And Brenthor’s like “You’re a dumbass.” And Lysand’s like “Screw you! I have like a misericorde, sexy dagger. Cuz I feel helpless. ;_;” And Brenthor gets closer than is necessary and he’s like “(HELPLESS, EH?) Oh snap, the blade is thin. Hide it on your belt behind you.” And Lysand’s like “(That’s nice, now go away.) UHH, I DON’T REALLY FEEL HELPLESS. I’M A MAN!” And Brenthor’s like “(Ominous foreshadowing!) You should practice against me!” And Lysand’s like “=_= You’ll stab me for real. Fine, whatever…” Initiate Lysand VS Brenthor rapier practice battle. Brenthor’s like “My daddy paid the best instructors to teach me!” And Lysand’s like “Suck it, daddy’s boy!” So they’re fencing, and Brenthor’s like “Lol, you’re dumb. Fencing = chess!” And Lysand’s like “Lol, I beat you at chess!” And Brenthor’s like “Talking is boring!” And Lysand’s like “Yeah, yeah, Lorin’s going crazy, going to ruin the kingdom, whatever Brenthor.” And Brenthor’s like “OMG, YOU’RE KILLING YOURSELF, AND YOU’RE THE ONLY HOPE THIS KINGDOM HAS.” And he knocks Lysand down with an elbow to the chest, and Lysand is like “@_@ …. Yeah, you say that now. Then you’ll stab me later.” And Brenthor’s like “Omg, vampires suck.” And he gets close to Lysand again (FFTTFTFTFT STOP THAT!) and he’s like “But you’re going to break under my body.” And Lysand’s like “NO I’M NOT. Ow… Sitting up hurts.” Lysand also hasn’t been sleeping during the night because he needs Banez’ body. And Brenthor’s like “UH-HUH!” And Lysand’s like “(OMG BRENTHOR D8<) Lol, the commonfolk don’t realize the stress we go through!” And Brenthor’s like “Oh, you think you’re going to fail.” And yeah, Lysand’s like “I haven’t been sleeping because I need Banez’ body. And when I do sleep--” And Brenthor’s like “What? WHAAAAAT?” And Lysand’s a total ham and he’s like “THE SHADOWS COME CRUSH ME.” And Brenthor’s like “>8C So tired of all the crazy people in this castle. That’s what you get for not dealing with your problems. You better not explode all over the kingdom (save it for Banez).” And Lysand’s like “NO I DON’T. And I wouldn’t explode the kingdom. >8C I’m leaving.” And Brenthor’s like “YOU’RE A VAMPIRE ON THIS KINGDOM.” (wut.) And Lysand’s like “YOU CAN’T TAKE ANYTHING FROM ME.” (…wut.) So Brenthor leaves, and they’re both like “Annoying prick. >8C ”

Playing Catch Up
So apparently Tiaelde has been captured by Valmar’s forces, and Seriah comes to discover this, so he’s like “Wtf?” And he goes to the Mountain Goat to wait for Valmar, and he’s like “OMG, VALMAR, FFFF—” Back outside, Brutus is like “OMG, I can’t believe that ranger cock fang-blocked me!” And Valmar’s like “8DDD Yaey, Seriah’s here.” But Brutus is like “>_> But you took Tiaelde without his order.” And Valmar’s like “Nah, it’s cool. ” But he goes to see Seriah’s fuckin’ pissed, so he’s like “; Hi Seriah. You like?” And Seriah’s like “ =) Oh I like… HOW YOU FAIL. >8C” And Valmar’s like “D8 But the humans were poking around here.” And Seriah’s like “YOU GAVE US AWAY, AUUUGH. –But I won’t TOTALLY eat your ass for this (even though I’m so pissed right now). How’d the battle go?” And Valmar can do math apparently, because he’s all like “We killed 86% of the humans! +No wereanimals showed up.” And Seriah’s like “That’s nice, BUT WE HAVE TO GET TO CADOS LIKE NOW.” And Valmar’s like “That’d be like 4… 3 days. Also, I have plans to attack the castle.” And Seriah’s like “Don’t forget we know about secret passageways. We’ll talk about the gameplan in the Dragon’s Keep when you assemble everyone outside the city. I’ll bring my hoes Draven and Ashemir with me. Draven got creamed.” And Valmar’s like “ What to Draven?” And Seriah’s like “Oh, family issues… You can talk to him later. Oh, btw, DON’T FUCK WITH ASHEMIR OR I’LL CUT YOU, BITCH. HIS TAIL IS MINE. YOU TALK TO ME IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.” And Valmar’s like “(omg tattle tale!)” Because, yeah, this is grade school. “YEAH, NO. IF HE PISSES ME OFF, I’LL DO WHAT I WANT.” And Seriah’s like “BITCH, YOU ARE MY BITCH, AND YOU’LL DO WHAT I SAY.” And Valmar’s like “(Omg I can’t believe how big a deal you’re making about this, I only tried to rape him! I’m so getting that harlot later for leaking info to a werewolf) Fine, he can come back to the mountain.” (N… not mentioning the other stuff to Seriah is sketch. DD8) “I’m only your bitch…. >_>” And Seriah’s like “Yeah, but you’re my top bitch. =3” And Valmar’s like “Okay, I’ll meet you later where we’re supposed to. =_=” And Seriah’s like “Oh yeah, btw—” and gets all conspiracy tone and he’s like “Kill ALL the royal family, even the prince.” And Valmar’s like “I WILL KILL EVERYONE!” And Seriah’s like “*facepalm* Nonono, turn the nobles that surrender, kill everyone else.” And Valmar’s like “Oh okay, yeah. Can I go now? I kind of need to get ready to march.” So Seriah’s like “Yeah, CARRY ON!” So then they carry on.

Stratagem
So everyone in the castle is having a war council, and apparently Lysand’s getting less and less sleep, and apparently Lorin had another fucking nutcase breakdown in which he punched his mirror. So Lorin’s like “Sooo… where are the vampires marching?” And Banez’ sexy bitch Cruz is the standing captain now, so Cruz is like “By the coast, because we have forts that will engage them!” And Lysand’s like “Nuh-uh! They’ll travel straight to Cados!” (Because the forts… won’t decide to lob shit at them?) And Cruz is like “The vampires can’t lose any more than they have. =/” And Lysand’s like “They’ll just march around the fort! Where are our forces stationed?” And Cruz is like “=_= Because the forts won’t decide to lob shit at them? Uhhh… our forces are stationed in posts and in Cados?” And Lorin’s like “Kay, whatever. Cruz, get your scouts and look around for the vampires and their siege weapons.” And Lysand’s like “@cruz YOU’RE AN IDIOT. ARE THERE ANY FORCES WE CAN CALL ON?” And Cruz is like “;_; Don’t yell at me!” And Lorin’s like “@_@! Everyone calm down! Lysand, stop being a little whore!” And Lysand’s like “(I’M SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED AND I WANT BANEZ.) Fine, God.” And Cruz is like “@_@” So Lorin’s like “Sooo… are we done?” And Lysand’s like “So how long do we have before we all die?” And Cruz is like “@_@ Three days or so.” So Lorin’s like “Kay. Go send out your scouting parties and see what turns up.” And Lysand’s like “@_@ omg, I’m outta’ here, srsly. I need sleep.”

Venturing Out
(Mishaw is getting healing supplies. Lumi and Zoshi show up.)

Minnows Off the Dock
(Alonza and Venara hang out.)

Dealing with the Devil
(Valmar comes to persuade Brenthor to join the vampires, because they're both evil and stuff. Brenthor tentatively agrees to help Valmar. Then Brenthor becomes a vampire. Everyone's fucked. Basically.)

Waiting Game
(Ashemir's hanging out in Issilt. Analisia bops on over to visit after ditching Banez and Travis. Ashemir and Analisia become total girlfriends, and then Leon comes over after watching them like a creeper. After he decides to leave, Ashemir and Analisia have some total character development time.)

Not So Pleasing Vacation
(Zephyr thinks it's a good idea to hang in Issilt. Analisia comes to pester her, then Scipio comes over. Then Ashemir comes over. In case things couldn't get more tense, despite Ashemir's valiant effort to deflate it, Travis rides in to throw a crucifix at Zephyr. The action breaks up faster than all hell, and Travis and Ana leave.)

A Possibility
(Seriah comes back to Issilt and updates Ashemir on Valmar and the war status. There's so much sexual tension you could drown in it.)

Beneath the Floorboards
(Seriah decides to chat Yeszlin up in his basement. Yeszlin doesn't give any useful information and throws a wine bottle at him instead.)

Full House
(Seriah and Draven talk about stuff. Ashemir listens into their conversation from the desk like a hot blonde creeper.)

No Rest for Heroes
(Travis and Banez and Simon come back to the castle. Lysand soils his pants with joy before Travis rides off into the sunset. THEN LYSAND AND BANEZ MAKE OUT. YAAAAAY. CUE LYSANDXBANEZ FANSERVICE.)

Battlefield 2: Slash and Burn
(Cruz brings his men to burn Valmar's seige weapons and picks up Leon on the way. Shit hits the fan when Leon starts burning Cruz' men, and the vampires are alerted to their presence. Cruz is taken captive, and Leon works out a plan with Valmar to give the humans false information.)

Perfect Machine
(Valmar makes Vieko his bitch boy I mean secretary I MEAN spy.)

Blind Prejudices
(Aria follows Kahjit around while he sniffs around for Yeszlin in Feryn. I know this isn't exactly correct to the timeline, BUT THE WEREANIMALS ARE SO DAMN SLOOOOOOW.)

the Quiet before the Storm
(Pretend this is at the beginning. The VERRRRY beginning.
Aria and Ami are sparring.)

A Lack of Purity
(Basically, the wereanimals go to Yina and cry a little and blame the vampires for no reason, then remember that they have no reason to think that and break off to send parties to the humans, because yeah, they totally forgot about meeting the humans at the mountain.)

Unexpected
(Ana and Travis go to Naulus, and Kahjit meets them. Yaaay, heartfelt reunion, until Ana crushes Kahjit's soul. Then Harrier comes and he's all ">8C" and hears Ana's report about the mountain battle.)

Good News: Obstacles
(Leon goes to the castle and gives a bad report to Banez, claiming that Cruz is dead and that the vampires don't have siege weapons.)

Ignorant Report
(Vieko goes to the castle and gives a better report to Lysand, who treats him like a whore.)

Apostles Creed
(Father Arzen, Fabala, and Mishaw hang out at the church. Yaaaay.)

Running Water
(Father Arzen, Markus, and Fabala hangs out while Father Arzen blesses the water of the moat. Yaaay.)

Living in Sin
(Lysand buys a book from the slums, and he's thinking about sexing up Banez all sketch-like.)

Bad Back
(Banez goes to Mason to get a new breastplate. Mason is curious as to what's going on.)

The End is Near
(The vampires have a big meeting about how this shit is going to go down.)
(THREAD ACTIVE.)

(Oh and btw, don't post comments, as I will need the space.)